hi! i've been dating someone with a TBI for 4 & 1/2 months. not only are we faced with the injury (which happened a year or so before we met), but a 7 year age gap, and about 250 miles of distance between us. it may seem as though all the odds are against us, and sometimes they really are. but we preserver.

we're hitting some serious rough patches lately, especially after he met my best friend this weekend. she thinks he's lazy and full of crap which is not fair to him or myself, and rather ignorant of her.

i sometimes find myself not able to understand him. communication is difficult, as neither of us understand the other fully.

i guess what i'm looking for is some support from others out there who are also dating someone with this condition. i feel alone.. no understands the immense amount of love i have for my boyfriend despite all of the above. and equally, i feel i shouldn't have to explain it. what do i do to keep all the negativity at bay, short of cutting everyone off? i'm getting to that point..

Welcome to NeuroTalk. Relationships with a brain injured person can be tough. Your GF's opinion is not uncommon. I suggest you read the bottom of the Vitamins sticky at the top. It lists two or three online resources for you to look into. The "You Look Great" YouTube video series is a must plus the TBI Survival Guide is full of good information.

Has your BF had a NeuroPsych Assessment ? If he has, you need to read the report so you can understand what his functions and dysfunctions are. It is common for TBI people to have a hard time forming deep emotional relationships. Some struggle with expressing any kind of emotions. Depression is not uncommon.

We have had a few on NT who were in relationships with TBI individuals. I don't know of any offhand right now.

Keep asking questions and hopefully we can help you understand.

My best to you.

You might want to post this, again, on the caregivers' thread. There are people there with TBI partners.

You sound like a very loving person.

Hi there

Facebook also has groups for people with PCS and I think some might even ben dedicated to caregivers.

This is a good place too, but can be very slow -- depending on the forum. But you are very kind to support your boyfriend and I know that brain injured people can be hard to be around -- at diffferent times in their recovery. I know I was hard to live with, but my hubby was a rock.

Keep asking your questions and looking for answers.

poetrymom

thank you all for your responses and guidance.

mark, i hadn't asked in the past but thank you so much for mentioning that. it prompted me to ask a few more questions last night, which helped me in understanding more. he's never really forthcoming with details regarding the injury. i'm not sure if that's because of his struggle with communication or just his displeasure in talking about the accident. i'm sure it's a combination of both.

for now, i'm back to researching, taking mental notes, and keeping him calm and happy. we've had a rough last 5 days and after researching in depth yesterday, we had a really fantastic and serene night.

thanks again for the help!

with open eyes, ears, mind & heart,

SB♥

Scarlet Begonias is one of my all-time favorite songs.

I have been recovering from PCS and other effects of a mTBI that I sustained in an MVA for over 4 years.

It's sometimes very difficult to even analyze what's going on inside to then be able to articulate it to another person. I think one of the common reactions of TBI patients is to deny what's happening as well, at least to some extent.

My SO took very good care of me and still does. I'm very lucky to have him in my life. We had met only 6+ months before the accident... if we had known it would have taken this long for me to get as well as I am now (I'm probably still not even 80% better...) then I'm not sure he would have stuck around.

You just never know when things will improve... sometimes they can improve to 100% overnight. And sometimes they never fully improve. And sometimes they get worse.

He's lucky to have you and it sounds like your friend is just ignorant. But most people are very ignorant about the effects and behaviors brought on by a TBI - c'est la vie. Stick with him if you can I'm sure he needs and appreciates your support.

Do people with long term (3+ months) sometimes recover 100% overnight?! However unlikely, it would be a nice thing to hope for!

I just went through a difficult breakup with the first person I ever loved, and a major component was the concussion (there were other factors too). I don't think she understood my reaction to it, and how anxiety is a symptom, and was really upset by how I handled everything initially. She was supportive in many ways despite that, but I went off into my own little world and she was exceedingly busy and we just drifted apart over the course of the first 4 months or so.

After I got worse things sort of came to a head, and I decided that I needed to get away from the stress of thinking about this concussion and how it was affecting my life and our relationship, and she'll be abroad for about 6 months anyway doing fieldwork, and it wasn't fair to expect her to stay in a long distance relationship just because she's afraid of what it might do to me.

Anyway, yeah, PCS can be a tremendous burden on relationships...

scarletB,

In my opinion, I would consider it very important to know all the details of his injury. If you hope for a long term relationship, his history needs to come out. You can be much more support for him if you understand.

These injuries are often very complex. Researching the symptoms and then trying to diagnose his condition without him being open about his injury puts a heavy burden on you and strains the balance of your relationship.

Statistically, 80% of relationships/marriages interrupted by a brain injury do not make it. I am not trying to rain on your parade. I just think it is important for him to be open with you so you can be proper support.

My best to you.

that, i was not aware of. i guess when i think of a brain injury, i think irreparable damage. i'm not getting my hopes up. though, his family did say that his mood swings for the better when he gets ready to come spend time with me. and i'm more than happy to have him and help him be less stressed. should things turn for the worse, i'll soon have the knowledge to deal.. it's just having the patience that comes at a price, of course. so far, so good.

thank you for the support i'm happy to know your situation has turned out better than before. i hate to admit, i was ignorant as well. especially when someone i've known since childhood tells me that he is not good enough for me. it made me second guess because i hadn't known more about him or the TBI. he talked about it, but not in detail. and when i admitted my wrongs he says, "see, i told you!". i feel awful and guilty still.. but we've since repaired the issues between us over the week.

so sorry that happened to you :/

i can certainly relate to the difficulties.. especially when it comes to actions and reactions. sometimes people's expectations are already hardwired because of societal influences. when those expectations are not met, it causes friction. but it's overcoming those expectations and not being so tightly wound when it comes to them, being a little more easy-going and understanding. i hope your ex at least learned that much, regardless of the distance factor. those things come with the territory of loving someone with brain traumas. i've definitely learned that so far.

i hope you don't let the PCS stop you from loving. nothing heals better than that and there are plenty of us out there who'd be more than happy to supply it.