I've been dealing with a lot since my injury last May. That is an understatement, but need to give a shorter version of the story because I'm exhausted by it all at the moment.

My TBI had/has effects physical (such as constant headaches, vision/vestibular balance issues, sleep deprivation, weakness and fatigue, memory and cognitive issues, speech etc. etc.) and the fun mental/emotional side (hyper-sensitivity, mood changes, severe depression, anxiety, re-triggering old PTSD, and now suicidal intrusive thoughts when at my most exhausted points which happen way more frequently and with more intensity of late..). Odd sum up, but that covers some bases. I've started back at work (well back in October actually) but only still at 3 days/week, 12hours total.. kind of plateaued at moment, but PT has helped me make some incredible advances and work has been mostly supportive, so I keep trying to remain positive and grateful. Trying. One day at a time stuff here..

Anyway. My partner has been here through it all. And beyond the troubles of this past year. We've been living together for over 8 years and he's seen a lot and helped me get through other things (like said mentioned PTSD and my already existing Major Depression). The depression is something I was diagnosed with and medicated for at the age of 15, and went through a decade (of horror in my opinion) of medication medleys as they tried to find something suiting. He was someone who helped give me strength and support to finally come off of the medications and I have been very proud to say I've been handling my depression effectively on my own since 2008 now. It was no easy feat, but a worthy one to get my life back.

Ah but, this was before the injury and what has felt like a starting over in some senses. Reliving some old wounds. Letting the ghosts out again, as my rehab med doctor actually has referred to it as (using Ghostbusters as a metaphor for what happens with head injuries.. made me laugh, but yeah man.. that's on point). So the ghosts are out... Now what.. And that I'm even considering medication at all, means I'm really feeling my life is at a real threat if you had any idea what I had gone through before.

Point of why I was writing though was lost thinking I needed to say all that first...

I need support. I need real solid support right now. I love my partner dearly and do not doubt that he cares for me. Yet, it's been in moments of telling him (in extremely vulnerable revealing, broken down self pathetic moments) what I need to help me, that I've been getting resistance instead of kindness. And that tends to be (because at that point I'm in some bad place as it is) a real hard shove into the dire zone.

Intrusive thoughts pour in, flood gates open. Not feeling equipped to deal (like, physically intact.. mechanisms damaged). My one person who I trust has turned on me (or so it feels in that moment). Those we love affect us the most. And he has been the most understanding and helpful, yet has also been the last interaction before I get pushed into that dark place. Where very recently I almost didn't catch myself or "win" the battle over the need to end it out of despair. It was frightening.

And yes, yes I'm seeing a psych doctor and I actually called and made a sooner appointment that we both went to yesterday to address this all. But, then today.. or even last night after the appointment.. He says or does things so insensitive or seemingly thoughtless as they counter all that was just said (even by HIM) in the appointment. Even the doctor suggesting to just give physical comfort (like an embrace) in times of need versus thinking he has to say the right thing.. yes, yes.. that would be amazing.. and he agreed but instead, in the moment, saw me getting upset and said I'll give you space and left the room.. and also got angry for me not having answers to his questions on how I felt right away (side note: I have issues with words and speech when exhausted and had multiple appmnts that were draining that day and I did all the driving and he knew all of this.. and this was something discussed too :/ but now forgotten?) so these responses immediately escalate my feelings 3fold and I have no way to express myself (it's awful being trapped in yourself)..

Maybe you get what I'm saying using this as an example.. but things like this.. quick escalations due to lack of patience or "seeing" me or proper communication or lining up... where to me, it will seem so simple.. All he has to do is stop, slow down the moment, put a comforting hand on me or say he loves me or that it's going to be all right.. something positive and calming.. yet will do these things that are polar opposite to that effect. And I feel even more crazy. Why would you stir the pot now? Now?

And we'll have a good heart-to-heart once I'm done all my hyperventilating and near death whatevers and heart race comes down and we're both calmer.. and I can find words again later (sometimes the next day) and it seems like he gets it but then it alllll happens again. like some weird broken record twilight zone..

I want to be clear: I don't want to die or harm myself (average, well-rested -hah- or "grouped" self).. it's when I get either physically, mentally, or emotionally fatigued or overwhelmed, it's as if my brain literally just gives up and says f-this.. and pulls some lever or hits some self-destruct button. It's terrifying. Because then exhausted me is using every last bit of energy to fight this. Play a reel of all my loved ones to try to cancel out the self harming violent images coming at me or mutter mantras/some positive messages that are harder and harder to remember or for myself to hear..

Annnnnd... so I come back to an odd place where I actually start to question if the person who is my support, my rock, my grounding.. is actually a factor in keeping me unsafe.

And that is terribly upsetting. Yet, it plays out the same way each time. I say what things might help (nothing huge: things like, asking for positive affirmations either in the flesh or in notes or through devices.. which after being defensive first then happens for a day or 2 maybe a week and then falls off.. and for me to bring it up again I really feel like I'm forcing something unnatural or difficult for him which in it's self is disturbing to me..

I start thinking these things never were hard for him before and my self esteem really can't handle this in the moments of contemplating life and death (I don't say that though as I don't want to seem manipulative but man.. I feel like why would he pick this as a time to get defensive and fight about saying I Love You, when he sees me in tears and beside myself falling apart and knows it's beyond me because it's related to the injury and now knows I'm "unsafe"???)

Now the flip side. The other part of me can't believe he's put up with any of this at all and for so long. It must be incredibly difficult for him to watch me go through this and to be going through it too in the ways it affects him and us. There are some limited resources, but there is no real Guide Book or instruction manual here. I know that I shift suddenly and without warning it will seem to him (to both of us, plainly, as it happens that way sometimes the exhaustion just suddenly hits). The amount of patience, kindness, sweetness, all that goodness that he has given, I wouldn't be surprised if he's just about out. I'm exhausted by the whole thing I know he is too. And I feel awful asking anything of him. From two places.. yes, one being a little sore thinking how pathetic I have to ask him to say these things more often (and that's a spiraling place to go and get oneself worrying over your relationship..sheesh) but also in my asking he thinks all he's done before didn't count or wasn't noticed or wasn't enough. And maybe there's some truth to the last one.. maybe it wasn't enough if I'm asking for more.. or as I've told him, it was wonderful so I'm asking for more! It worked.. it calmed me immediately or it made me feel loved or grounded or fill-in-the-blank here but it did the trick and quick and genuinely.. and so I'm letting you know it was effective and I appreciate it and I'm asking if you'd do it some more.. help me... But he's the type that likes to decide things for himself, not be asked so is that what this is all about? hahaha that would be some ridiculous.. don't lose me over being stubborn dude.. but sadly, he may one day. :/ Sadly for me, for us.. he means the world to me.

And so I only told him about my self-harming thoughts about two or so months ago because it had gotten to that point of absolutely needing to tell. People in my life need to know to help me stay safe. As embarrassing and scary as that was to admit, I understood that. I didn't say anything for so long because I didn't want to burden or worry him further or seem like I was trying to control him or our relationship. (I've known people like that and I feared that being misinterpreted.) So much so that I don't feel like I advocate enough for myself or I don't know.. I don't have the strength is perhaps the truth of it now.. I don't have the strength or endurance to keep at this, repeat, repeat.. breaking more each time.

What do I do?

I know he wants to help.
What stops him? He's just too tired now too?
I kind of feel like if that's the case, he should just admit that. Allow me to know the real situation and that I need to find some other support or living situation for now. This is really dangerous right now. I wanted him to fully understand which is why I had him come with and meet my psych doctor. Grasp the full reality or seriousness of this all. Anyone else would have tried to commit me if they witnessed my breakdown last weekend. Glad he knows me well enough to have not, but I worry he also down plays it too much..


And regardless of how dire it seemed or not, if I knew my partner was considering death and had certain asks for behaviors of mine to help them feel safer and loved better in life, I'd try to fulfill them if they weren't harmful to myself or anyone else. And if they'd been asking for years (and still does) for more things to look forward to (even little stupid things..) then I would do them.. plan some.. That I would tell them every chance I got that I love them and why (because I do do that :/) and that I would do silly things like put positive messages around the home to be found or do other small gestures that could go a long way... Things he had done a long time ago or grand things he's done for others recently but still hasn't for me because I don't know.. it won't fix it all? so it's not worth it? I'm not worth it? I think that's where I go.. And this was me not even getting into the marriage thing.. I .. I guess I just needed to vent here.

Haven't slept. It's probably not clear what I'm asking and it's impossible to tell a whole story in a sum up on one of these things I realize, but thanks for letting me type into space.

When do you know if you're asking too much of someone? Maybe go back to my title's suggestion...