I should have seen it coming a mile away. I completely overdid things this week and last night I had a complete melt-down.

I hosted a 15 person formal sit-down dinner on Christmas Eve. I was so tired from all the preparations, I did something I knew I shouldn't have done. I had diet pills and took one. I had absolutely ZERO energy, but had to entertain 15 people and saw no other alternative.

Between the stress and work involved (and most likely the diet pill), I started having lots of problems with confusion. I'm sure folks thought I'd been sippin' on the special egg-nog, but I was completely alcohol free.

I ended up taking all my Christmas decorations down and put them away AFTER cleaning up the party mess. Why? Because the 'clutter' of Christmas decorations was making me feel very anxious.

Yeah- I'm a nut.

I didn't get to bed until 2 a.m. The next day, I had three naps and went to bed at 7pm.

I woke up on Wednesday, thinking it was Thursday- so went into the office. I took Provigil to perk me up and was BEAT by the end of the day. Since I'm supposed to be in the office on Thursday, I went in yesterday as well. I took Provigil again to help me get through the day. By the end of the day, I thought my head was going to explode and my teeth would fall out of my mouth from all the teeth grinding.

On the train ride home- I started jerking. I had to work really hard to keep the jerking from getting out of control- and so that added even more stress and exhaustion.

As soon as got off the train, I started crying and then went into a complete melt-down as soon as I got home. My poor husband felt very helpless as he watched me crying uncontrollably and jerking. I asked him to let me be alone in a dark room for a while. Somehow, his hovering over me made it worse.

I took my klonopin (actually took 2) and within an hour or so, I'd stopped jerking. I had the biggest pity party for myself last night, that I've had in a long time. I told my husband that I didn't want to do this anymore and was feeling very despondent.

I *HATE* the idea that I can't live a normal life right now.

I feel so useless. All the things that used to make me feel that I had value are gone.

I want my value back.