[NatEng]

Hello, I could use some relationship advice or just some support from people whose significant others have PCS, or from people with PCS who have significant others.

My boyfriend suffered a brain injury 2 years ago and now suffers from PCS. He and I started dating 7 months ago. I have only had one other relationship, which only lasted 3.5 months and was terrible. So I don't have much experience with being in a serious relationship, let alone with brain injuries. Often he says or does or doesn't do things that are frustrating. But since I did not know him before the injury (he and his mom have both told me that he has changed since the injury), I don't know if these things are brain injury things or typical things that any bf could do that would frustrate their gf because they are a result of us being of different sexes. So I often don't know if I am justified or if I'm being unfair by being upset with him. A few months ago he found a list of typical post-brain-injury symptoms, such as lack of focus, difficulty controlling anger, etc., and edited it to only include symptoms that he experienced. We looked at it together and talked about it a bit. But some of the symptoms were things that non-injured people feel sometimes, too. So it adds to my problem that I don't know if his actions are injury-related or otherwise. I like to think that I'm much more supportive of him than many other women would be, but I don't know if he feels the same. I consider myself a kind person who is much more willing than many other people to sympathize, empathize, and give the benefit of the doubt to others.

I love my bf and I want to help him be happy. Sometimes I know that I can't always help him, and sometimes he shuts me out when he is in his darkest moments. Which bothers me very much because he has confided that he had suicidal thoughts when he was first injured. And I feel that if he doesn't talk to me about how he is feeling that he could slip back into thinking that way. I also can't help but take it personally when he doesn't want to confide in me because I feel that we should be able to talk to each other about anything.

When I was fourteen my father was diagnosed with depression. One of the symptoms that he exhibited was the desire to sleep all the time. Or, rather, the preference of sleep over other things going on in life. My bf often says that he wishes he could go back to sleep during the day to escape the reality of his life. One of these realities is that he is almost constantly experiencing a headache of varying degrees. He says other things that make me worry that he has depression. He has admitted to me that he has been depressed since the injury, but he says he's not clinically depressed. I don't understand how there could be a difference, though. Maybe someone can enlighten me.

If anyone has some insight for me, I would truly be very grateful. Thank you for reading.

[Mark in Idaho]

NatEng,

Welcome to NeuroTalk. Sorry to hear about your friend.

It would be very helpful to understand your ages. PCS can have a different course/prognosis based on age.

As you noted, some PCS symptoms can occur in people who do not have PCS. It is hard to help you sort this out because you are not specific about his symptoms and behaviors. He may recognize some of his symptoms but it is likely he does not understand all of the symptoms he may have.

It would likely help if he had a NeuroPsych Assessment done. With this assessment, he could get a better understanding of his condition and hopefully learn coping strategies and work-arounds. It would be good for him to have a better understanding of his depression issues. Depression is very common with PCS, especially for younger people.

You can start to learn about these issues by reading the Vitamins sticky at the top. At the bottom of the first post are some useful links. The TBI Survival Guide and the Brain Line Lost and Found article are very good.

If you are going to have a successful relationship with him, he will need to understand his limitations and struggles. I have lived with PCS since I was 10 years old. I wish I had 1/10th the knowledge when I was in high school and college than I have now. It would have saved me a lot of heart ache. The doctors did not give me nor my parents any guidance so my life and academics were a roller coaster.

I'm sure you've been told you can not change a man. Many women struggle to believe this. But with PCS, it is all the more valid. If he is going to grow and change or improve as a person, it will have to start with his understanding of his condition and then desiring to make changes in his life. The emotional volatility can make life miserable, especially for those close to the PCS sufferer.

Personally, I don't think you can change his depth of depression. He needs professional help for that. Trying to make him happy will just be frustrating to you both. Believe me. I have lived the PCS depression roller coaster.

I could say more but don't want to overload you. Read the TBI Survival Guide and Lost and Found. The Survival guide is 84 pages if you choose to print it out. Then you can read and highlight the important parts. Some part will not apply but you will have many Ah ha moments as you recognize symptoms.

Please feel free to ask anything. There are lots of good people here.

My best to you.

[bobbyr]

I can't relate to your boyfriend on any PCS level. I had and still on occasion have physical symptoms. The symptoms that you describe are things I have experienced just being a human.

The red flag is the depression. Seems to me that your bf has alot going for him good girlfriend, good support system yet he is dealing with depression. If thats the case its possible he is indeed dealing with PCS.

I suggest having him see a doctor to treat his depression.

[NatEng]

Thank you both for replying.

He is 23 and I'm 24. He has had a NeuroPsych assessment done, he's seeing a psychologist who is doing Biofeedback with him, as well as working on teaching him relaxation techniques. As far as I can tell my bf is pretty well aware of what his symptoms and limitations are. Lately, he has started to realize what activities aggravate his headaches, and that he should avoid them. However, this includes screen time (mainly computer), which is hard to avoid nowadays.

I guess my main problem is how to be a better supportive partner for him. He lives with his family right now, with whom he does not have a good relationship at all. There is always plenty of arguing going on in the house. Due to their poor relationship, when he decides that a task or situation is too much for him, I feel that he does not communicate enough about how he is feeling and why he cannot live up to their expectations. This results in the family getting angry with him and thinking he is rude or lazy.

I don't want him to feel like he is suffering alone or that he doesn't have somebody to be there for him. Which is why I was concerned with getting frustrated with him when I shouldn't be. I want to be that person for him.

Mark, thank you very much for the links that you pointed me to. I found them very helpful and enlightening. Don't be worried about overloading me, I'm on here to learn. And I will suggest to him that he talk to somebody about feeling depressed. I've experienced what depression can do to a family, so getting help as soon as possible is important.

[Mark in Idaho]

NatEng,

A high stress living environment make his opportunities for mprovement very difficult. Does he have an option to live on his won ? What does he do ? Is he employed or in school ? All of his activities need to be considered as potential stressors. You and he both need to work at learning how to moderate his life and daily activities and interactions so the stress levels stay low.

Are his family members open to learning more about his condition ? Would they read the Lost and Found articles on BrainLine ? The YouTube "You Look Great" series is also very informative. John Byler did not even know he was injured until others noticed his behavior. He has done a great job with "You Look Great."

Do you know what the Biofeedback is ? Is it classic old school biofeedback for lowering pulse and BP or a qEEG based neurofeedback or neurotherapy ?