Hi, I haven't posted on here for a long time but I still read the posts. I have ATN, I have had it since 2004. In Dec. 2006 I underwent mvd surgery in Pittsburgh, I was told I had a 40% chance of it working but hey that;s better than zero. Long story short it failed I was directed to pain management and was put on the Fentanyl patch to help with the constant pain. I take neurontin and bacoflen also. I was put on disability by my workplace because of the patch and have been on it since May of 2007. Now for my problem, my daughter who is 28 and will be getting her master's degree in social work in Jan. has been in total denial about my condition from the very beginning. She was even present during my surgery! She tells me I am not in pain all the time no one ever is. That I use my pain as an excuse I need to get over it on and on. She makes my life so miserable. I have depression due to my condition and her and she tells me to get over it. This is a person getting her masters in psych and interning at the local veteran's hospital!! I have tried numerous times to get her to go online and read what ATN is, she will give me the excuse she is to busy and has other things needed done. I gave her one of my Striking Back books to read same excuse there and after having it for two yrs and not reading it she finally gave it back to me. I just don't know how to handle her, I would probably move away from where we live but she has three girls and I can't leave them tho my time with them is limited due to the pain. Anyways if anyone has any suggestions on how I'm supposed to deal with her I would love to hear it. She really is driving me crazy! She even now has diagnosed me as being bipolar even tho I don't have the symtoms other than the depression and I have seen psych and was diagnosed by them for depression. She thinks she knows more than them and has even told me she believes she is smarter than a medical doctor! Last week we ended up in a screaming match with me defending myself to her and listening to her trying to act superior to me and dismissing everything I said. I am at my wits end! They are my only family here and it doesn[t help my stress level to be treated like this all the time. Help! Any ideas??

I'm so sorry that your daughter doesn't accept what is going on with you and thus can't be supportive. It doesn't sound to me like there is any way you will be able to convince her right now (perhaps the more you try, the more she will resist). I wonder if you can just accept (as frustrating and sad as it may be) that (for whatever reason) this just is the way it is right now, and acknowledge to her that you and she don't agree about this. ("I know you don't believe.... but this is what I am going through" - and/or "this is what the doctor's have told me...." "so I guess we just aren't going to agree about this"). Then try to focus on other things you can agree on, like your grandchildren or things you like to do together. I hope you can find peace with her seeming irrationality and enjoy what you can in the relationship. Maybe in time she will see things differently.

Oh my god, this must be just heartbreaking for you. I'm so sorry. Your daughter has absolutely no right to make a psychological assessment of you when she refuses to understand a medical condition. She is NOT EDUCATED ENOUGH to make that assesment. Tell her that. Tell her that you will accept her opinion AFTER she earns her license (Which requires 3,000 hours at 20 hours a week and after that is a hellish test that only 50%-60% of the people pass).
I remember when I was that age, I thought that I knew everything - I was too young to realize that experience was the best manner with which to view life, and I suffered for it. I am so sorry. To be absolutely frank, in my early thirties I had an aquaintance who had broken her back in two places, and required vicodin for her pain. I would not try to comprehend chronic pain - I think that I was simply too scared to 'get' that person could live life suffering like that, and instead judged her for her medication use. Here I am years later, dependent on much stronger medications, and I feel SO BAD for having thought of her that way. Lesson learned.
There are times in my life that I have mirrored other people's behavior back at them as a way for them to learn - and of course, they totally resented me for it, but I felt better for having done it. I'm not saying that this is the best method out there, at all, but could you see yourself giving her the same superior tone that she gives you, but around, say, how young, ignorant, and inexperienced she is? That's one thing that I can think of - fight fire with fire, as they say?
Otherwise, you can take the road of zenlike acceptance, and remove your emotions around it, and approach her with peaceful love (that would be hard for me), but it may be a healthier route.
Finallly, this problem sounds so large, it would be great if you could get her to attend therapy with you. If she is indeed taking up psyche as her major, she will be required to take therapy herself as a requirement of graduation. Maybe that will help, down the road.
I have one more question. Is it possible that she is confusing Trigeminal Neuralgia with Fibromyalgia? I have had one more than one person in my life do that.
I am so sorry that I can not be more helpful - I would do anything to help you solve this problem, but my own imagination won't offer up anything else. Maybe someone wiser than me will come along and help with a better answer. In the meantime, please know that you have the support of the people here on this board, so please don't ever feel alone with this condition. I know that it could never replace the love of a daughter, but it's something.
Lily

Hi!
Sorry to hear about this... Tell her from me that trust me .. it really hurts.. just 'cause you can't see it doesn't mean its in my mind or not real. (had a boss one time tell me "you don't look hurt"). Maybe with time she will accept this, or meet someone else that has it, perhaps with a stranger it would be more acceptable/understandable.

Thank you all, she has been an absolute pain in the butt about this from the get go and now that she is going to college it is much worse. Don't think I haven't covered all the arguements with her, she just continues to patronize me. I was informed the other nite that again I can't be there xmas morning when the kids open their presents. She told me I could bring my gifts over xmas eve when I come to dinner. I guess I should be happy the last two years I was told not to come at all. Last year she told me "Lots of people spend xmas by themselves so it won't hurt you" I told her they are probably people who have no family or family that lives near them and I have grandchildren. She said "Well I don't know what to tell ya". Her husband doesn't like any of us and she doesn't want to rock the boat with him. So I guess I'll be alone again this xmas...

Dear Robyn,
It is everybody's right to expect to be treated with dignity and respect. This applies for everybody in your life, including family. I would tell her that unless she chooses to do this, you will have NO contact with her. You will only be willing to speak with hear once she learns this. Just because she is family, it doesn't earn her the right to be emotionally abusive to you.
In the meantime, join as many social groups as you can, and make some friends that are worth having, who DO treat you with dignity and respect. They are out there, and you can find them. Make them your chosen family, instead of the ones who treat you badly.
This is what I would do, in fact, I have already done it with a few family members.
You deserve pace of mind, and to be valued.

Lily

I'm very sorry to hear about the way your daughter treats you. I agree with Lily's suggestion that you create your own "family" - finding activities that you love is a great way to develop friendships.

I don't know whether you might be able to retain some kind of relationship with your daughter and grandchildren by lowering your expectations of that relationship and getting your own needs met by a "family" you create with friends. I guess that would depend on her. It certainly isn't good for you to stay in a relationship where you aren't respected and treated well. No one deserves that.

Unfortunately where I live there are not really any activities available I would be interested in and the only support groups or meetings is AA. I don't have an addiction so it wouldn't work for me. We have declared an uneasy truce for the time being, I'm just going with the flow so I get to see the kids on xmas eve. She texted me today and said her inlaws spent 50.00 more on her two kids with her husband but less on the oldest since she is from a previous relationship. I can't believe she can berate me all the time but won't say "Boo" to her husband and his parents treating the eldest like the red headed stepchild." She lets her husband emotionally and occasionally physically abuse her but I'm the bad guy when I get involved. She will "punish" me by not allowing me to see them for months when I get out of line. She enjoys that power but I'm the crazy one. Lol! It's a no win situation. I've been to counseling over her and they said I just have to be patient and wait for her to grow up. She's 28 with 3 kids, the kids will be grown up before she will be. Sigh.....It's just so discouraging especially at this time of year. between my pain acting up and being alone at xmas i just want to pull the covers over my head!!

Robyn,
That she lets her husband abuses her says alot actually - she cannot make him the bad guy - she has to see him as good in order to keep the relationship, so she has transfered her negative feelings onto you. At least that's what I would say if I were a therapist, but I am only married to one. But when I read that about her husband, i had an "Aha moment" about all of this.
Stay patient, she REALLY has some growing up to do, and I hope that it doesn't take too long. I have a feeling that when her marriage (or whatever it is) deteriorates, that she will come running into your arms. once you are done helping her and loving her, tell her how much she has hurt you, and that you will not tolerate it again.
Ugh, so sorry, we are here to support you.
Lily

Dear Robyn,
I just wanted to come on this forum and wish you a Merry Christmas - there are many ways to celebrate it, so take yourself out to a special movie and dinner, get yourself somewhere where others are celebrating, or, if you are well enough, volunteer at a soup kitchen. On either day. You need not spend the rest of it alone.


We are here for you sweetie!
Lily