Drank 9 beers yesterday starting at 1;30pm before my hair appointment then stopped by whole foods for a quick beer there before heading home to cook tacos for hubby before he left for his gig, he plays jazz guitar for the big band here called the Sky liners. He looks good in a tux!
Then proceeded to drink the rest over the next 6 hours while being on line in a chat room for a lot of that time. The SMART recovery chat room. A place for people who want to stop their addictions. So was hypocritical being there contributing while slowly getting drunk.
sigh
today is a new day. My binging is getting out of control. I am getting out of control. I really need to quit drinking. I will have to lie to my psych doc again which I hate doing. My weight is up so that is not good. But I know that I can bring it back down if I want to, have done so many times before. Yo yoing is hard on this body. I am working today seeing 2 clients.
I need to get going, woke up at 1130 and am still in my jammies.
I feel fine this morning.
I took 1 mg of klonipion last nite and 100mg of benadryl so that I knew that I would sleep.
There are 2 beers left in the house. I am not going to drink today.

My husband drinks and buys me my favorite beer. I need to ask him to not do that. Drinking seems to be the most obvious common interest that we share...need to live life and have fun with out alcohol.
My life is boring and drinking is something to do.
I have no life.
I will stop drinking until my new york trip with my folks. I should stay dry until my florida trip with hubby middle of August...that is always a drinking weekend, where we drink bush whackers and hang out at the tiki hut bar right next to our room overlooking the water. Pensicola beach. WE eat and drink and have fun, walk on the beach at night. Looking forward to this.
A friend of ours daughter is in new york with her girl friends having a wonderful time on the high school graduation trip for 2 weeks. She saw phantom of the opera last night. She loved it!!!! We have seats up close so I am excited to see the show. New york will be fabulous!
bizi

Got up early for me 6;15am, before the alarm. set at 8am. I threw in a load of clothes. Am starting to think about my trip to new york on saturday. IT is going to be hot there and I don't have too many clothes rather shorts that fit. I have a bunch of shorts that are too small. and one pair that I really like that fits just right since I put on 5 pounds. 146 this am. I am going to wear running shoes as we will be doing a lot of walking thru museums and such. Going to see 2 shows, phantom of the opera and the king and I. Looking forward to the trip. Jeff will be here to guard the house while I am gone. WE have had some issues with the house. Had a leak when we came home for our trip to Indiana. part of the driveway had been wet when it had been with out rain for some time so we knew something was up. So a plumber came out and thought the leak was coming out from underneath the slab so we called leak detectors they said it was right at the edge of the slab so we did not have to break the concrete( thank the universe for that). WE had a foundation man come out, he wants to do work on the house, dig/bury pylons 12-14 feet deep to stabilize the foundation, it has shifted 1inch difference from 13 years ago to 1 3/4 inch now. We have a large water oak tree in the back yard that needs to go and should have our neighbors large live oak tree trimmed that is hanging over our property, that should be done by an arbourist which is expensive.Both those issues with the trees are contributing to the foundation issues. We also have a large oak tree in the front yard (we just trimmed that tree for $1100)that could use a barrier placed between the house and the tree to prevent roots from going to the house and stealing water thus further destablizing the foundation. An inspector friend of mine came over and said we have a sink hole that is large that needs to be filled in. And our circuit breaker/fuse box for the whole house is unsafe. That should be our main focus right now. There are a lot of upgrades that need to happen if we are going to sell the house. We have aluminum wiring that should be copper, original galvinized pipes that have the life span of 45 years or so....that is the age of the house, built in 1970.
There is a large yard that we have been neglecting, over grown bushes and trees and flower beds out of control. In the house the kitchen is dated and jeffs bathroom is in need of refinishing.
The whole house/yard is in need of attention.
We need to decide if we want to stay there or sell the house as is.
WE are in a good neighborhood so could easily sell the house.
I would like a newer small patio home with a small court yard to take care of.
I don't think we can afford all of the updates that need to happen.
Will keep you posted.
bizi

G-BOMBS: Greens, Beans, Onions, Mushrooms, Berries, and Seeds

“G-BOMBS
” is an acronym that you can use to remember the most nutrient-dense, health-promoting foods on the planet. These are the foods that you should eat every day, and they should make up a significant proportion of your diet. These foods are extremely effective at preventing chronic disease and promoting health and longevity.


edit- **Copyright © 2004—2015 DrFuhrman.com, Inc. All rights reserved.**

WE watched the imitation game, about alan turling, inventor of the first computer that helped us to win the WW2.
We really enjoyed the movie.

What a disaster of a day for my diet!
I ended up drinking 5 fattening beers over the course of 7 hours.
I ate half a pizza, nuts and 2 servings of ice cream and a bag of coconut chips.
I am stuffed.
sigh
I have been drinking heavily......September 1st is another 100 day challenge. And time to lose this weight that I regained....
heavy sigh
bizi
I guess I could have eaten the whole pizza......
edited to add that I just got done eating a portion of the left over stew....
hope I can sleep tonight!

Bizi, please don't beat yourself up about this.

"Two steps forward, one step back" is normal I think - it sure was for me and alcohol.

Your honesty is something which I really value.

Bizi,

Don't worry, you know you can be strong - you will be again soon enough.

Dave.

Hi bizi,

Thanks for mentioning the movie. I will try to find it. Looking for a few to watch. (I have a very hard time finding movies of interest.)

I have some days of over-eating, too.
I used to deal with stress through sports-- basketball, running, bicycling, fencing, etc. I cannot do those activities now and ... sometimes I calm/comfort myself by eating (the wrong things).

We all do follow-through with our dietary regimens, whenever we are truly ready to do so.

I used to be very hard on myself. I find self-compassion more helpful to me than berating myself.

Have a fun day today!

DejaVu

I have told you that I am bipolar 1 and Have been taking medications for 20 years.
I saw my psych doctor today....told her that I was not happy with my meds. that I was not ok and that I was feeling unmotivated and tired and depressed about my life in general. I stopped doing the things that I used to do. and that I was very concerned about my memory issues, have been for years!
So this is her plan.
Increase the lamictal. decrease the geodon, stop the klonipin and start with trazadone for sleep. WE are doing this over the course of a month.
eventually lamictal 300mg a day, geodon only 80 mg a day.
she wants to see me in a month.
Let me clarify this.
When I saw her in april I was AF and pretended to be good so I can get my meds refilled and out the door..
I asked to increase the lamictal. (It is my mood stabilizer and It has antidepressant qualities)
Last visit I asked to decrease the geodon but she said she wanted to wait for a year of me sober.....
this time it is her idea to reduce the geodon due to my memory issues. lol

WE are going to the beach friday thru sunday. pensicola. To celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary. I have almost packed lol!
I drank 4 twisted teas tonight early so I think I should sleep alright.
We will be drinking bush wackers in florida. Thiink frozen chocolate rum drink!
Will wait at least 3 weeks Alcohol free before I have my tsh/thyroid test run....don't want to screw up the results with alcohol.

I am anxious about doing this change....don't want to get manic.
She wants to see me again in a month. And I told a friend of mine about the medication changes and she said I could call her if I needed to any time.
She is a licensed therapist and I trust her. Also told my husband about her if he needed to talk to her.
I have wanted to try to decrease my geodon for some time now. She said that sometimes with higher doses the lamictal can be dulling, so will keep my eye on that.
I want to feel better and be motivated to do the things I used to do!

My psych doctor said that perhaps I was in denial about my drinking. I told her I knew that I should not drink.
we shall see.....
bizi

Hi bizi,

I hope you have had a good day.

Wow. Med changes! The three changes seemed like a lot to adjust to and to know which med change is doing what -- within a month.

Geodon has been known to make people feel a little "jazzed up," so if your concern is about possibly experiencing some mania, that decrease may help, especially when coupled with a Lamictal increase.

As you know, Lamictal is a mood stabilizer which also helps to guard against bipolar depression. In general, it does not cause people to feel "jazzed up."

I don't fully understand the klonopin and trazodone exchange, yet I am sure she has explained it to you. Both are used for calming/sedation, yet they act a bit different. Everyone is different, so will see how you feel with these changes. pdocs tent to try trazodone when they don't want a client habituated to klonopin and/or if a client is reporting depression. Klonopin can contribute to depression; yet, it can also help quite a bit with hypomania/mania and anxiety.

Trazodone is a tetracyclic antidepressant, by the way. In lower doses, it is used to help with sleep. In higher doses used as an antidepressant.

I wonder if you can have some klonopin to use (as needed) if you start feeling some hypomania/mania while away? This helps some people to stay more level when starting to feel hypomania/mania. (Many years ago, some doctors used high dose klonopin to control mania, when other meds were not yet available.)

One of my friends deals with bipolar 2 and she carries klonopin with her. There are tabs in her car, tabs in her desk at work and she will not travel without it. She does not use it daily, but uses it immediately when she feels hypomania coming on. She can intervene in a serious episode by taking (adding) klonopin every 6-8 hours for 2-3 days.

Since you are on Geodon, a switch to a more sedating med in that class would take awhile. It's possible a sedating "prn" (use as needed) med may make you feel safer about any potential for mania? Just a thought.

Do you feel like the changes are quite a few changes within a month?

People tend to spend more time in direct bright sunlight (and the days are longer) in the summer. These added hours of bright light can set off some hypomania/mania for some people.

Some people swear diet adds to depression or mania. Some report a low carb, high protein diet setting off hypomania/mania. These same people report high carb meals trigger a depression.

Another one of my friends deals with bipolar 2 and when he goes to a large concert, where the noise is loud and the crowd is rowdy, he gets high (not on drugs) and stays high for several days. A loud concert will shift his mood in a major way.

Mood stabilization is multi-factorial.

As for memory issues: Sometimes memory issues are really concentration issues. It's difficult to retrieve info if it was not fully entered into the system.
Sometimes, it's a true memory issue. If you'd like a better idea of what's going on for you, a neuropsychologist can do tests which help to sort this out.

A 19 year Anniversary! Congrats! Many couples do not make it for 19 years. I hope you and hubby have fun this coming weekend!


DejaVu

Dear dejavu,
thank you thank you for your thoughtful and informational advice about my meds.

The reason she wanted to switch from klonipin to trazadone is my alcohol usage. She was uncomfortable using them together. I have enough back up klonipin if I need it.
The changes are really slow which I think could be faster. like increasing the lamictal from 200mg-225 for 1st week then 250 for 2nd week then 275 for for 3rd week and then decrease the geodon by 40mg in the morning(I take 80mg twice a day.)for 4th week then decrease it to 80mg once a day. and increase lamictal to 100mg.
5th week decrease klonipin .5mg(i take 1mg to sleep) and add trazadone 25mg(which I can increase to 50mg if needed). keep lamictal at 300mg in divide doses and geodon 80mg once a day. 6th week decrease the klonipin to .25mg then 7th week .13mg then 8th week stop klkonipin.
But I see her again in 4 weeks.
So first the change in lamictal then the change in geodon then the change in klonipin..
She wrote out every thing for me so that will help keep it all straight.
I hope this sounds like good judgement to you. I think we could increase the lamictal more quickly and may do that on my own once I research that.

She listened to me and made my desired changes. So am happy about that.
Little unsure if 50mg of trazadone will put me to sleep. We shall see how this plays out.
I am hoping for improved mood and will wait to see if the memory improves...probably not reasonable on such short duration in changes.
thank you for your support!
bizi