I'm struggling at present with severe depression, anxiety, new medication & relentless muscle spasm so I've not yet written Wide -O I will but when I'm in a better frame of mind.

I've had a restless night, but DB seems ok. I've given him info on his mankind groups with some "I" groups being held tonight. I contacted one of the organisers from when he first set out on that journey last year as reaching out for help. I can't be the glue that holds him together 24/7. I've pointed DB in the direction and can only hope he goes to the session tonight.

DB colleague taken a turn for worse, now has pleuracy as well as Lemierres & will be in hospital for at least another 10 days. DB will visit him today, we are saying prayers, this is a rare & frightening condition with very little know about it. They have drained 2 litres in less than 12 hrs & apparently there's still a lot more.

On a positive note, he's started meditating again and after the medication mix up of the weekend seems more himself. Wish he would take up his drums again, they sit alone in the front room and I'm sure if he could just get back into it he might find himself.

No worries, and I'm sorry to hear you're not doing so well. No rush, I'll be interested to read it if & when you feel like it.

Drums... definitely. The thing that kept me going the last 4 years was switching to the piano and falling in love with music all over again. It's what is keeping me sane. (I'm writing this just before I'm leaving for my piano lesson).

Something like joining a local band to play at parties etc., wouldn't that be a good thing? A band allows you to not just continue under your own motivation, you have to be there to practice even if you don't feel like it. Despite what people might think, live music is very much appreciated these days, warts and all.

Anyway, like I said, no rush. One thing I will say though is that I think the drinking/not drinking isn't really part of our problems. I had decided in rehab that the change was on me, not on the people around me. I had told her (and my friends) that I would feel very uneasy if they stopped drinking because of me. And that wasn't a ploy or something, I would truly have felt bad. The only thing I asked was to not drink whisky around me, but she's more into wine and gin anyway, so that wasn't a big sacrifice. I also promised that, if it would be too hard, I would mention it. It turned out not to be a problem for me.

I will buy her wine in the shop, I will serve guests, it's OK. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, nor "left out". It's just something I don't do anymore. And I know it's not on her mind, because I remember her putting a glass of beer in my hand at a party as she had to go refresh. (insert "Hold My Beer" jokes) I was laughing, told her it wasn't the brightest idea, and she went "oops".

DB sister G phoned last night, DB wouldn't answer phone, it was after 10 & 6th sense told him it was G. So I answered (have to could have been my mum needing help). Anyhow, G was sober, I spoke with her for over an hour. Rehab is booked, 3 months, seems to be a rural environment, there are 2 ponies, a dog and of course a number of therapy rooms and beds etc. just waiting on the 1 bed to be available for her. Her SW has been in daily contact and I believe she has been reducing the amount she was drinking in readiness for admission. I truly hope she can pull this off, she and DB lived horrific childhoods, what they experienced is enough to turn anyone's stomach. If you've ever read the book "a child called IT" well it closely mirrors what they endured.
DB grateful I spoke with her, I've told her she can call me any time she needs to, I've said she is loved, and worthy of that love. Mostly I just listened. I can't be her glue as well as DB. But for whatever reason, she feels I'm the only one she can talk to (when she is sober) maybe it's because I don't judge, maybe I don't offer alternative facts or justifications as to why things happened. I can only accept they happened.
Feeling very drained, had my bloods n X-rays taken a little while ago, sitting in coffee shop waiting for energy to drive car home. Had 3 hrs sleep again last night.
The positive today, is DB has gone to the gym before seeing his GP, and has agreed to ask for 20mg Brintellex anti-depressant script renewal. Big step forward for him!!

Pam,
Great news about DB's sister. Very possible DB was a good influence for her to go forward and do the same. He should be very proud of himself. I'll bet she does feel close to you; especially since she knows you have been there for her brother and while you can't carry her; it's good she knows you are there should she need to talk, especially to someone who completely understands.

I'm sure you are completely drained. Hope you get some well needed sleep tonight.

Gerry

Oh Gerry, if only. DB sisters (& mother) never liked or have felt close to me. The eldest sister (K) is the one who wrote me to say DB will be better when I'm dead - you offered up the moon pie. I still love that.

G the next sister (older than DB by 3 yrs) I tried hard to get along with her, but their culture always got in the way, the fixation with the mother being the conduit for all communication & how all life revolved around her. I always held back at home before going out with them, I would walk to the club 2 or 3 hrs later on my own. My back was my excuse, the reality was I just didn't have anything in common with them other than DB & sitting drinking in the club fawning over the old girl did nothing for me. (She passed away in 1998)

In 2008, we had to go to back the UK for my court case, I was very unwell. I didn't go out on the Saturday night, but got a call at 11pm, it was G - sounded drunk, said T had been bashed at the club. It was February (winter) freezing, I got dressed & walked down to the club (about a mile) went in DB with dad, no sign of T but they knew he'd been hit. I said I'd go check on him and G, walked there, another 1/2 mile, by now it's after 12. As I arrived I heard this blood curdling scream from round the corner. I recognised the girls scream, walked round and sure enough it was their eldest daughter, DB niece being beaten by her current partner. I grabbed her, somehow held him off and frog marched her home, she hanging off my waist & legs sobbing, nose spread across her face, him trying to pull her back. Somehow I got her to the door and shoved her inside, barred his entry & told him to go home, sober up & we'd talk the next day. I cleaned her & her father up & I walked back home, got in about 3am. Dad, DB and others were up, told them what had happened & we could all get a few hours sleep & go in the morning.

So 7am we're all down at G house, the phone ringing incessantly it being this boy Avron. Somehow it became me who was answering the phone, it was me that rang the police and it was me that had to go outside to confront the boy & tell him police were on their way & I suggest he leave us all alone. His words to me were, "why do you care, they all hate you, they can't stand you" I said, well I'm married to DB so they are stuck with me , she is my niece & your behaviour intolerable, please leave. He threatened to hit me, he was in his car, I have a vivid memory of me doing the chicken dance in the middle of the road and singing the song. I'm not a tall person, in those days I was 163 cm (now 159) I weighed then 56kg (123lb) All this while I was so unwell, DB is upstairs in the house with his sister G, she's saying to him, I'm having a bad day & everyone accepting it as if it's normal. Dad & T tending to the daughter/grand daughter. Looking back now with what I know, G alcolholism had her firmly in its grasp.

Do you know what, not once, not a single time has anyone in the family ever thanked me for what I did that night & the next day. None have said it was brave, good on you for helping us all, nothing, nada. Yet I know if I hadn't intervened that night he could well have killed her, certainly he tried again the following week after we left fracturing her eye socket, jaw and rebroke the nose. He was sentenced for quite some years. I've never enquired if he's out since.

I guess my point is we're not close at all, we are linked forever by DB and Our marriage. I know they don't like me, I know they didn't like me, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to see the way they all behave around me & treat me as if I don't even exist. So I don't actually know why she rings me, or turns to me for help. I've been told in no uncertain terms by the older sister and others that they along with G & T don't like me and G has only ever made an effort to be civil to me because I'm married to DB.

So there you go, yet another sad story tied to alcohol and violence in the family I've shared. It's sad but laughable, I'm not a violent person but I will stand up for myself. I never saw violence within my own family, never really knew much about domestic violence until marrying DB. I guess it's fair to say I lived a sheltered life. I've always said it was my association with horses and the hard work required to care for them that gave me inner strength. I sure had iron strength that night I got her off of the street.

Pam,
I somehow got mixed up about your SIL giving you updates during DB's visit; especially he and his brother's touching good bye. Your SIL seemed quite thoughtful.

Realized all the issues about DB's sister while he was visiting. Thought DB's sobriety may have some influence on her wanting to try to get sober. Also thought his sister was turning to you since you were so supportive to her brother and his recovery. Didn't realize how they felt about you. They obviously were greatly influenced by their mother. I really find when people are that nasty to others; they can't have a very meaningful life and are unhappy themselves. Sad.....


Gerry

Pamela, I found what you shared deeply moving. I cried when I read it.

I reckon that you and DB are brave and honest people, dealing with everything that life has thrown at you.

You deserve each other and I admire you both.

Hi Gerry, totally understandable there are 3 SIL, 2 are SIL by being sisters to DB, that's K (moon pie) and G (alcoholic). 3rd SIL "D" is the one I get on wth and love dearly, she is SIL by marriage, she is married to DB brother M. It was her I referred to at Xmas as being so good to DB, so caring, loving and kind.

This SIL, she & I have a lot in common, we've been ostracised & targeted by the family as well as subjected to viscious gossip & rumour. I'm fortunate I don't live there, but D (& M) does & within a 3 mile radius, she and M have nothing to do with the family at all anymore, too much grief. Even DB just being home at Xmas bought grief to D door. A sad family gripped my small mindedness, bitterness & alcohol. I guess actually I'm blessed to get on with DB father & brother. They seem to be the only ones with actual sense and a kind heart. Much like DB.

410 days, Valentines tomorrow. I'm cooking a lamb roast & apple crumble pie for dessert. DB seems a lot better this week. His Testosterone injection due tomorrow hasn't seen him spiral down in the funk just prior to it as it has these last few months, maybe the moving it from every 14 days to every 10 is working.
I've got to go back into hospital this Friday for another procedure, more upper spine fractures. No idea how I sustained these ones, I don't recall a fall or a significant jarring event recently... anyway, at least we know what's been causing me so much upper back pain!!

Yummy for the Valentine dinner.....Lucky DB...

Pam, I know it was a while back, but I recall an occasion where at work, you had chased someone causing a scare for one of the employees. I think you had had some sort of pain issue afterward. Wondering if this may have been the start of what you are dealing with now.

Sure hope and pray you can finally get relief physically and emotionally. You sure have been on a roller coaster.


Gerry