Okay!!!! Back again.

Friend is still drinking. Her son is still drinking. blah blah.

However, something new happened on Saturday.

We live in different states so I couldn't be there.

They did an intervention on my friend. She's 58. Who did the intervention? He husband, the alcoholic son, and some other friends.

She phoned me later in the evening and said "I just had my intervention".

I had no idea what she was talking about.

Then she said her son "gave it to her in spades". I replied "but he's an alcoholic, HE CAN DO INTERVENTIONS??"

She said "apparently so".

So she explained how everybody told her they were concerned and about her behavior when she drinks, etc. etc.

Then she told me "I really learned something tonight, I learned that they really care for me, and I'm going to do something about this".

I said "are you going to go into detox and then into rehab?" and she said "Yes, I defninitely will do this".

Tonight she called me and we were talking and I said "so what's up? are you doing what you said you were going to do?"

And she hits me with "well, I never said I would do it, only I would do it when I felt I was ready to do it'.

I knew immediately that IT WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

She then said "oh for god's sake, what's wrong with a couple of belts at night?"

I gave it to her (didn't lose my temper), but I reminded her of the intervention and what everybody said, and what SHE HERSELF told me.

The she hit me with "well, when you were fat, no one could talk to you" "you weren't ready".

I then replied "this has nothing to do with me".

She then gave all sorts of excuses, so I said "I have to go now".


then she tried calling me two more times (I was on another phone call), and I then returned her call.

She was crying and pleading for me not to abandon her.

I said 'You have got to be kidding, you make promises, you say things, then you rationalize what you do". She then got defensive and I put it simply.

"People cared enough about you to stage an intervention. You said you understood that you have a problem, and that you are going for help, then you turn the whole thing around and try and blame everyone else".

I then said "I have to go and cook".

Here's my dilemma.

I know where she is going with this. She's NOT GOING TO GET HELP.

She drank last night. She told me so. I knew she would.

She is now saying things like "so what's the big deal if I do a couple of belts at night"???

Would someone please tell me how I am supposed to react to this? Because I haven't got a clue.

If she calls me, I'm not going to bring up anything. But if she starts slurring and is obviously plastered, I'm going to say "I have to go".

And if she is NOT PLASTERED, do I just continue to maintain a normal friendship with her?

Because this is not NORMAL.

I really don't know what to do. Her family got involved, the alcoholic son got involved (I'm still trying to wrap my head around this).

Please, I need to know the correct thing to do when she calls me.

Am I to say "sorry can't speak to you until you get clean and sober".

I don't know if I have the right to do this, (would being a good friend call for me to do this?")

What happened tonight has never happened before.

It's like a cross roads.

Anyone else ever have this happen? I'm sure it has happened to some of you.

I'd like to know what YOU think a friend should do.

Thanks much

Melody

Melody, what a predicament you are in!

I'll pass along the best advice I was ever given.

My son was going to get arrested and have to go to jail if I didn't DO something. I cornered my clergyman and waah waahed to him nonstop for about 20 min. When I finally ran outta things to say, I asked, "So what should I do?"

He smiled and calmly said, "Just love'em." He didn't elaborate and he didn't need to. I knew it wasn't up to ME to bail the kid out, and that he needed to suffer the consequences so he could learn from his mistakes.

That's been a lot of years ago. My dear clergyman has since passed away, but I've always remembered that good advice.

Mel, you don't have to save your friend. Just love her.

Twinks:

I've been "loving" her for 3 years. Including all the times her son has been hospitalized for pancreatitis, and all the fights.

It's not easy being on the phone every single night with someone who cries constantly and then drinks themselves into oblivion.

I know about "not rescuing" anyone. Believe me, I KNOW!!!

No one can help her.

But I just want a simple reply to give her when she calls me and she's belligerant, starts blaming me for her woes, starts bringing up my former obesity and says stuff like 'well, you wouldn't listen to anyone, you took your sweet time to lose your weight". blah blah.

I know that when people are active in their addiction, that they say these things. I know this.

I also know that at my age, I really don't want to go through this.

I'm in a good peaceful place. Took me a long time to get where I am.

I care about myself, about Alan and we take care of each other.

I grow my sprouts, I take excellent care of us.

I really don't want to hear ranting and raving any more.

I just need a good "reply" for when she calls and says: "don't abandon me'.

By the way, she called two times tonight and she'll continue to do this "leave crying messages on the phone". Alan said quietly to me "I heard her" I did return one phone call.

I just can't keep doing this any more.

Puleeeeze.

Melody

Hmmmmm....

What if you said, "Honey, you know I love you. I'll be glad to help you when you begin helping yourself. Call me back when you're ready to take this seriously -- your family does."

I dunno. Just the first thing that popped in my head.

Hey, CayoKay? Where are you?

Mel, Kay had a very very needy friend for several months. I'll bet she could enlighten you.

"sorry, but I'm not going to talk with you when you are in this state of mind"
or
"oh someone is at the door , I'll call you when i have time"

or
" I'll only talk with you when You are not drunk"

screen your calls - and if she keeps calling - turn off your ringer for awhile

eventually she will give up
sometimes you have to let old friendships slide by the wayside , esp if they are negative and stressful

I hope she doesn't drive while drunk...
if she isn't ready to stop drinking ....she is an adult & it's her choice

If she won't dry out for her family then there's nothing much anyone can do

Oh my god, how sad is this?

She's going to lose EVERYBODY!!

She told me the other day. "There is no happiness in this house, no one is nice to me, no one cares for me, I just want peace"

I said "We've been dancing to this tune for over 3 years. I know you went through hell, but your coping mechanism is NOT going to work for you.

You need to dry out, get help and face the new day. And there will be a new day. You can meet new people (in exactly the same situation you are now in).

She has numbers of rehab places (for her son), and he won't go.

I said "your son has to clean up his own act, THIS IS YOU WE ARE TALKING ABOUT'.

Then she asks me "do you think I can do this, I don't want to face the pain, I don't want to do it cold turkey, I am weak".

I simply say "who said you need to do this cold turkey". "There are people who will help you, but you need to make the first move, THEN I SAID"

"Now stop talking about it, because all this is just noise (I read that once).

"Get yourself clean and sober, and take back your health".

"Nothing tastes great like the taste of good health".

She just says "But I'm afraid, I'm afraid".



.........I'm going to say what either Twinks or Jo-mar suggested.

I'm copying and pasting and printing it out.

Hard to do (I've known her over 35 years.)

Thanks much my friends.

Melody

Melody, I don't know if this helps, but alcoholics don't quit [because it's too HARD] until they hit bottom or lose everything, including friends. Tell her your her friend, but that she has a problem which is killing her, and you don't want to support her in this. Say you will be there when she has completed treatment and started regular AA meetings. And then hang up. For even better advice, attend an Alynon meeting. Don't know where one is? Call your local AA chapter. Been there done that billie bluecat

Hi Billie:

Well, she still drinks every night. I don't talk to her at night anymore. I don't even phone her. She phones me. She is very lonely since her son moved out. And yes, he is still drinking. Even with his pancreas problems.

And she is still drinking her wine. Every evening.

But a very odd thing happened yesterday. I have been busy for two days and I didn't know my phone was off the hook. So if anyone phoned me it went directly to my Verizon voicemail.

Last night around 6 p.m. I noticed that my phone was indeed off the hook and I said "Alan, I bet people have been trying to get me". I picked up the receiver, heard the beep beep beep (that tells me I have voice mail messages) and sure enough there were 4 or 5 messages from her with a worry in her voice saying "Melody, are you all right, where are you, I'm calling a friend and we are coming over, I don't know what to do, WHERE ARE YOU?"" She lives in another state like I said in previous posts.

I looked at Alan and said "Oh my goodness, what is wrong with her, why is she so dependant and worried, can't I have my own life for 2 days??"

He said "you better have a talk with her".

I had to go out and I told him "If she calls (and I knew she would), just pick up the phone and say "Hi, the phone was off the hook, we didn't know it, she went out for a bit, she'll call you back".

(Oh, 3 or so years ago), she couldn't get me (phone off the hook again), and when she finally got me, she was crying and said "I called the police, and told them that I can't reach my two elderly friends". I looked at the phone and said: "ELDERLY???ELDERLY???"

Then (this is 3 years ago), while I was on the phone with her, I could hear helicopter noises on her end of the phone and I said "what on earth is that?" and she said: "oh my god, the cops made a mistake and they are circling MY house instead of yours".

I said "Don't you ever do this again, don't send any cops to my house, are you crazy?" And this never happened again.

WELL!!! when I came home last night at 7:30 p.m. I phoned her and said "What is wrong with you, I'm fine, why are you so worried".

She kept saying "I was thinking of you all day long, I was so worried, I called my friend Shirley and we were going to drive into New York and go in front of your apartment until we saw you".

I said "Didn't you stop and think that MAYBE my phone was off the hook again, AND WHY DIDN'T YOU EMAIL ME? (She doesn't like to use her computer).

She said 'That's what Shirley told me, and I was going to have Shirley email you and if we didn't hear from you one more day, I was going to get her to drive me to your house in Brooklyn".

I see where this is all going. She is extremely needy and dependant on me. I get that. But I can't stand having to account for my whereabouts TO ANYONE.

I guess I should be happy that someone cares if I live or die, But honestly, to have her call her friends, and have her think of calling the cops, and have someone drive her to my home to check on me ...simply because she hasn't spoken to me for one day and one half, is absolutely ridiculous.

I have no idea if this behavior is linked to her drinking.

Can someone please clarify this for me.?

Much appreciated.

Melody

P.S. And I know about ALANON and all the other programs because I went to Gamanon meetings when we found out my son was a gambler.

Saved my sanity.

Never gave him a dime after that. I knew not to enable.

Melody - I feel that t he dependency behavior as well as the compusive behavior are linked to the drinking, but that is not to say that one caused the other. The same personality characteristics of excessive dependency and compulsive behaviors, also depression, anxiety, paranoia, ect. have some tendency to concur together with alcohol/drug abuse. Also, they say that when a person with a predisposition for alcoholism begins to drink, their emotional maturity stops. For most of us [I'm 19 years sober], this began in adolescence, and even after sobering up, I'm still trying to grow up and to stop calling the police when I can't locate my aging Dad. But he's 85 and usually at home, so there is some basis. Besides in his small town, the only officer knows Dad and the usual places to search, but still. I recall that I started drinking to ease my childhood depression and anxiety. She probably has little control over what she is doing, rediculous or otherwise. How is her husband connected? Is she dependent on him, too. Sounds like it's his place to inact an intervention. Is she intoxicated or drinking when she talks to you? You might try, "I love you and I'm fine but I'm going to stop talking to you when you're drinking. Even if she calls the police, they'll get used to it. They deal with such things all the time. Try Alonon. I'm been basically homebound since I retired. [After I quit drinking, I substituted workaholism], so Alynon might still be able to offer the best answers. billie

Billie:

Funny you should mention the word INTERVENTION.

Quite some time ago, she phoned me and said "I had my intervention today"

She has other friends who live closer and who drive and who she is friends with for over 40 years, and they got together with HER SON, WHO IS A RAGING ALCOHOLIC, and they did an intervention on her.

When she told me that she walked into her living room to see ALL OF THEM SITTING ON CHAIRS, and then HER SON SPOKE UP, and said "Mom we are worried about you, you are falling down dead drunk, passing out, we are all worried, you must stop". (well I just sat there looking at the phone because an alcohlic gave her an intervention???

So I just replied "So what happened"?> And she just told me what everybody said and I said "so what are you going to do?"

And she said :

"I'm not ready but I'll think about it'.

The very next day she phoned me and said:

"I am mad as hell, I just spoke to my therapist and she said "HOW DARE HE GIVE YOU AN INTERVENTION, HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC".

I said: "Let me ask you a question, "Your therapist doesn't think you should go into rehab??" She said 'my therapist always says I will go when I'm ready"

That was probably a year ago, and nothing changed.

Billie, you wrote:

"Is she intoxicated or drinking when she talks to you? You might try, "I love you and I'm fine but I'm going to stop talking to you when you're drinking. Even if she calls the police, they'll get used to it."

I have done this MANY TIMES. By the time she comes home from work, she hits the wine, and by 6 p.m. she calls me and she's slurring like crazy.

The other night I said "oh my god, you're drinking already, how many have you had?" She said 'no, I'm not drinking". She couldn't put two sentences together by the way. I then repeated "how many have you had"?
And she said: "Only 2"

I do not enjoy having conversations with her because she never remembers anything we speak about.

I guess I must be the most uncompassionate person in the world (I sound like I am don't I).

I guess I've been through so much with my son, I am absolutely numb.

But I thank for your advice and much congratulations on being sober for 19 years.

I think the bravest people in the whole world are the people in recovery.

Melody