hi Bobby,
Thinking of you and hoping that you getting over the weirdo mood.
Mari

Yesterday I left my apartment after the four day I think and got a sandwich and ashamed to say some potato chips....today I see my pyschiatrist. Thank you so much for your thoughts.
A friend wrote me and she said getting out helps her with her feelings of being unattached. She is also married, has two grown children who still live with her and a husband and of course two dogs and a kitty cat and was sexually abused by her father who was an MD and who had a pathological mother who was also an MD. She has her own demons too obviously.
I am going to have to write her and ask her how she gets herself out and if she has a tendency to want to stay home. She also got herself a job working with children.
This is the perfect weather for walking and Manhattan is a perfect place for walking. All I want to do is stay in bed and read. I just bought more books from ebay as if I don't have enough.
Yesterday I threw out two big trash bags of papers...I was really careless and didn't go through them well. All I knew is I wanted them out of my apartment to continue attempts at organization. Tomorrow I hope to throw out more papers. A lot are related to when I was manic and did a lot of trading in the stock market. I wish I had known I was bipolar then.
Still in the weirdo mood...still without a house cleaner...still looking
Bobby

Dera Bobby,
I hope that your session goes well today for you.
Great work in throwing out the bag full of papers!!!!!
way to go!!!
one peice at a time one bag at a time....bit by bit it all gets done....
(((HUGS))))
bizi

thank you. my session went very well today. I told Dr.Moussavian my description of my deepest depression...being unattached to anything with no appreciation of anything and having a lot of psychic pain...like being in a dead body except for the pain and then asked him if he had ever heard that description before. He said no but it had to be truly painful and he could grasp the intensity of the depression. I told him I hadn't read it but was finally able to describe how it felt and maybe it would help him in understanding the deep depression of other bipolar IIs.
I was also delighted when he said he approved of my wanting to give my closest friend another beautiful gold necklace because of all she has been doing for me out of gratitude and I have been able to do nothing for her.
I was so afraid he was going to say it was a bipolar thingie.
I told him the disappointment over Carol, my former cleaning woman who I haven't heard from and who I said had deep problems. He suggested I use his cleaning woman who commutes from Philadelphia to New York. I said that would be great. He called her up and gave her my number and said that I wasn't a good house keeper. She later called me and at first wanted eighty dollars. We finally agreed on sixty five dollars. Later I looked up the railroad rates and the bus rates and I wonder if it is going to work out unless she can do two apartments the same day. He say she was very fast besides very intelligent, reliable and trustworthy. She is coming on Monday. Dr. Moussavian is such a gem. I also got a kick over listening to him on the phone. He also had another phone call and I so enjoy his style. That prompted another phone call which I told him I wouldn't mind if he made right away. He said are you sure and I said fine....talk about hero worship. He has such a way with people.
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
Your pdoc is amazing.
I like the part of his finding you a cleaning lady --- even if she does commute from Philladelphia.

Your description of your depression will help him. And maybe he can help you get better.

Mari

Great story about your pdoc bobby,
he is amazing!!!!!
hope you are feeling better....
(((HUGS)))
bizi

Hi,
You sound better!!!! Your p-doc sounds great.......

Hugs, Nikko

Dr Moussavian is the greatest but now I am worried that the cleaning woman is going to reject me. On Sunday and Monday morning, I will try to straighten out this place a little more. I looked up how much it costs by bus and by train from Philadelphia to New york and it is expensive. If she doesn't have another appointment in New York, I don't see how it is worth her while.
A close friend who lives in my building was admitted to the hospital a couple of nights ago. He is in the ICU. He was already in a weakened state after being in the hospital for a month in January. I am so sad about it. Also workmen are on my terrace drilling out old bricks and putting in new ones. It isn't as noisy as I thought but I only have a studio so I feel I have no privacy.
The joke is that yesterday morning, I felt my chemistry was beginning to go back to some stability. Everything seems shot now. Last night I got two hours of sleep.
Bobby

i picked out of your last post that (albeit ironically given new stressors) you were starting to feel chemically stable... that is so important, even if right now it is transitory... something is working! the building work will be over at some point ugh what torture. they did a lot of that at my place. some days i just would scream shut the * up!!! at the top of my lungs (in english of course ) and since i often sleep/nap during the day.... well it was, well, most inconvenient.

i'm sorry to hear your cleaning help might disappear. good that you are reacting and being a lttl emore active. we will find solutions. boy am i positive tonight. something must be wrong with me lol.

well anyway. before i blather more... wanted to check in with you... then read a little more...

i am on parents' dialup right now.

love
~ waves ~

so glad you finally checked in....I was worried...I giggled about your comment about sounding positive...it is scary isn't it...the girl scout motto be prepared.. for a bipolar doesn't that mean not something positive roflmao....
I waited all day to call the hospital about my friend Ron. I was so afraid they said he died....instead I was told his blood pressure is now normal...and although he is still not stable, he is more stable...I don't know why but I get so angry at people when they talk about his drinking...I think he is a self medicating bipolar...I guess I just want them to talk about how wonderful he is...depression is a hard one to deal with...
Love
Bobby