[Mari]

Hi,

He was exceeding anxious and wound up.
He seemed to think that this was his opportunity to talk about the things that are bothering him. He was not interested in how tdoc might be able to help us. He kept talking.
There was no way for tdoc to even get in more than a few words or a question to guide him toward something.
I told him to take a break. He kept talking.
I reminded him that we had limited time.
He kept talking.

Perhaps I am aware now that he is bothered and concerned more than he tells me.
He told tdoc that my parents should have been told about my stroke and that they should have been involved.

HELLO. I told my dad 48 hours later from my cell phone in the hospital and gave him all the relevant info about the tests and so on. Dad told my sister my speech was fine -- when it was not.( )
When I got out of the hospital I called my mom. We talked about gardening for an hour.
He's upset that mom and I spoke about gardening.
Seven weeks after the stroke they came to visit for Labor Day weekend and neither hubby nor parents mentioned the stroke.

He had lots of other things he needed to talk about.
I don't know what his real problem is.
I'm certainly not in the mood to deal with it now.

I was very upset that we did not get anything done for the two of us at the session. We did not cover any ground except for letting him vent.
I feel that he was being very selfish.

On the way home we stopped to buy vegetables at a market.
When we got home, I ignored him.
A few hours later I thanked him for coming to the session.
Then I went back to ignoring him.

M.

[Dmom3005]

Mari
It sounds more to me like he really needed to talk. And that it is
going to take more sessions for him to get to the point were he is
ready.

I hope you will work with this for him. I think he has been anxious
about what all is going on.

Donna

[waves]

i am sorry Mari.

that sounds very frustrating.

i agree with Donna though that it sounds like he really needed to talk.

and yes, now you know that he is anxious/worried about a lot of stuff.

it sounds like he may have some misperceptions about your family dynamics that will need to be corrected in time. it may not be easy because he may not be able to relate to how your family is. that may be why he still doesn't get it, in spite of a lot of exposure.

keep working at it.

if you can have sessions with T on your own, in parallel with the joint sessions, i think that would be helpful. i know it is hard because your T is not that convenient to go to.

i hope that hubby can be more collaborative next time. does he ever write? do you think it would be helpful to ask him - or have T ask him, on the phone, to write down his concerns before the next session.

i am sorry this is so hard for you.

~ waves ~

[bizi]

I think that you could think about a seperate "marriage" counselor.
this person is trained to deal with couples and their issues.
This would also focus on the marriage.
I am very sorry that your hubby monopolized the meeting.
Do you think he would go for that?
bizi

[waves]

that is a good idea bizi.

and you might be able to find a marriage counselor that is easier for you to get to than your regular T.

[Mari]

Hi,
He has some OCD traits with some ADHD.

PERHAPS the way he acted in the session gives tdoc some more insight in order to help me.

I am 100% not interested in working on his issues with him.
(It has been my role in the relationship to help him with his issues and I have been backing off from that role for the past year.)
He could be a grown up and work on his own stuff with his own professionals and with some groups.
A few years back he went to a few counselors and got good help for some for issues regarding his parents. He could go again and find his own counselor for help dealing with his other stuff.

I'm loosing interest in my tdoc.
I found her to work with me on something specific a few years ago.
We reached a block and since then I feel that I don't need her.


M.

[Dmom3005]

Mari

It sounds like maybe its time for a new pdoc. I now how hard that would
be. But maybe that would help you get things done.

Donna

[mymorgy]

i too think it might be time for you to start a search for a new therapist.
it really sounds as if your husband is pulling you down. i don't know what to say because i have never been married and don't know how much give and take there should be in a marriage. Is he out of control or only under certain conditions? Is he asleep when you are up most of the time? and are you asleep when he is awake? It sounds as if you are in such an uncomfortable position.
bobby

[waves]

Originally Posted by Mari

I am 100% not interested in working on his issues with him.
(It has been my role in the relationship to help him with his issues and I have been backing off from that role for the past year.)
He could be a grown up and work on his own stuff with his own professionals and with some groups.

have you communicated this clearly to hubby? ... recently? he might not be 'reading your signals' in this area. he may need to have it spelled out in words. maybe even a little repetitively.

A few years back he went to a few counselors and got good help for some for issues regarding his parents. He could go again and find his own counselor for help dealing with his other stuff.

i agree he has to be willing to work on his problems. maybe hubby could use a reminder that he did something in the past which worked too. and that you need him to do that again. then you could focus together on your interactions / needs from one another.

but i'm thinking what you have expressed here, he needs to hear from you.

men can be dense. and women are notoriously 'mysterious' to them. the two genders do think differently, and cultural aspects may play a role, too.

successful relationships sometimes require stating the 'obvious'.

~ waves ~

[Mari]

Hi,
I don't know what to think. I am thinking.

He has an off on switch with not a whole lot of middle: intensity vs calm.

Later, I did ask him if he was angry during the tdoc session. He said, "yes." I went back to ignoring him, not willing to deal with that anger until he simmers down a bit. As long as he remains angry and anxious, I can't talk to him about issues. (It's sort of like being manic -- he is not rational at the moment.) Since the tdoc session, we are being nice to each other as long as we don't talk much.

We sleep and eat at separate times -- for as long as I can remember.

I am very clear about my needs and wishes.
He knows exactly what I want. He can tell you want I want.

This is the third or fourth summer in a row that he has been difficult. He has a heavier teaching job in the summer than during the regular year because he takes on extra classes and gets stressed about the odd times and extra travel.

I do not want to go to a marriage counselor unless he were working on his own stuff.

The last time I tried to get him to go to a counselor he went three times. I wanted him to work on his hoarding. Hubby did not reveal the extent of the hoarding so the counselor dismissed it, saying it seemed like a phase.
I think that the counselor did find him to be rather uptight about structure. The counselor told him to let go of rules (self imposed, and other, . . . .) Hubby quit after that.


I can't really afford to see tdoc because she is not on my insurance plan. I'm considering dropping her or cutting back even more -- which is almost to nothing the past two years.


M.