there are a lot of things to be worked out. maybe getting a new tdoc for yourself is the thing to work on first... seems like there are too many issues with the existing one and you end up not seeing her.

am i getting this right...

hubby knows you need him to go to individual therapy and work on the
- anxiety/OCD
- adhd
- hoarding

and ke knows that his not doing so is an obstacle
- in your relationship overall and
- in working on other issues together

?

seems like he was resistant to therapy... maybe it overwhelmed him? changes are hard, esp with anxiety. do you think he quit out of arrogance or discomfort/fear... or can you tell?

i am hoping if you get a new T you can see a bit more regularly, that maybe she will have some clever ideas on how to persuade hubby to accept therapy of his own...

but at least you will have someone help you deal with him.

~ waves ~

i hate to be negative but a marriage counselor i don't think will work. a stick of dynamite located in the right place might do the trick but otherwise he has to come up with his own motivation to change. Is there any motivation you can think of that will change him? You must be so frustrated. Has he gotten worse since you have known him besides being more stressed from the extra work or the same?
bobby

Mari,
I am sorry with all the other stress you have been under you are now going through this! I do agree that you still need a therapist, maybe not the one you have but at least one. I understand the no insurance thing but is there any way you could work in a once a month session?
Hubby needs therapy!!! I agree with waves that it may need to be you who tell him this but it must be done! I would also tell him that he needs to be committed to the process this time! Tell him the truth that this is what you need because you cannot handle his issues at present.
It seem like both of you are under stress and that just might be escalating things a bit too much.

collinsc

Hi,
Hubby has gone to three therapists because I told him he need counseling and he obliged.
He benefited a lot from the the first two . . . quit after three meetings with the third.

I think he quit therapy because he thought he was fine. His third therapist apparently wanted to get him to lighten up on his need for structure and order. Hubby left the session asking for homework!! The therapist told him there were no rules. Hubby did not know how to deal with that and did not go back.

According to what I've seen, certain types of of OCD are not very treatable because the people do not want help. When they do have anxiety, they got out and get more stuff, which reduces their anxiety and solves the problem.

He has never been officially diagnosed. I came up with the ADHD by myself. Tdoc told me he has some OCD.
His ADHD is pretty astonishing. He can zone out of entire parts of conversations when the other person is talking -- this partly explains why he would rather talk than listen.


M.

The good news is had two therapists who were successful with him. I pushed him to go to counseling. The first therapist dealt with issues related to his horrible father. That was quite exhausting therapy and hubby got a lot out of it. He's pretty much over his issues with his father that had been holding him back emotionally and otherwise.
The second therapist followed up on what had been accomplished with the first and even fine tuned it.

Recently, hubby reminded me that that second therapist told him that his antenna is too high and must be lowered -- he is too much on high alert. He was not able to work more with that therapist due to circumstances but also partly because that therapist thought that hubby was a therapy success and did not need anymore.

When I first met him he had no money and was not buying CDs, DVDs, books. I did not recognize hoarding tendencies.

A little later he was learning about CDs from the Romantic tradition with lots of emotion. He found them calming. He would purchase some if he was especially anxious.

We are both on our second marriage. We've been together for 15 years and married for about 5 of those years.

He is not interested in talk therapy. He does exercise a lot -- yoga, weightlifting with a trainer, jogging, . . . His eating a very good diet is partly in response to a need to work on himself. . . .

I recognize in part that the exercise might be fueled by a desire to reduce anxiety. In any case, it does seem to help him.

He is partly aware of need to change, but does not want help at this time.

In two weeks, one of his summer jobs with ease up and I can talk to him again when he is relaxed.

M.

Dear C,

I think like other folks I really hate lousy therapists.
I've only been to two that I can tolerate being in the same room --- my first one that I stayed with for 8 years, and this current one of 4 or 5 years.

They get very distracted by my sleep disorder.
I saw one who told me that we were going to have to skip discussing sleep for the first few meetings. She agreed but it was difficult, partly because I fell asleep when during the session.

I liked the first therapist and this current one because they totally understood / understand the debilitating affects of 1) bipolar, 2) the meds. Also, the other therapists I ran into were a bit ( very much) bossy and I need one who lets me be and or, as was in the case with my first therapist, lets me train them.

Here is the problem with sending him to therapy even if I could manage it. He presents well. He talks a good came. At first blush he appears to have more together than the therapist. He needs several sessions for the tdoc to figure out what needs to be addressed, but before that happens, the therapist already tells him that he is in good shape.

When he saw one therapist, the therapist said he was fine. Hubby had to kind of beg him (with my urging) to agree to help him some more.

Hubby does have more therapy behind him than most people I know. He can certainly benefit from more, but I don't think that he and I will find a way for that at this time.

I don't know yet what to do about my own therapist yet.

M.

I don't know what to say again. it sounds a lot more optimistic. he seems to have overcome a lot already. his exercise program and diet sound wonderful.
maybe just give him time for the next big step.
bobby

Aw Mari...

Sorry to read this thread ! I understand how this kind of situations hurt our souls and minds... (sorry of that sounded stupid... hopefully you get my point... )

First, about your tdoc... hum, time to start looking for a new one ? It is difficult to find a doc that we like... uff... tell me about it... I met several pathetic people in the process, but oh well...

About hubby: hum... my humble opinion is, that, it might be good if you "ignore" him a bit when he is like that... You know, you deal with your own troubles, and, not getting too involved in "others" problems sometimes is good... However, I know this is too difficult... we love that person, or, perhaps we dont like that person, but there are attitudes that certainly are difficult to ignore because they bother us one way or the other...

Just try... patience Mari ! patience !

How are things today ?

HI Mari!
Just reading through tonight.
Sending positive thoughts and positive energy your way!
You have lots on your plate, yet you also have great perspective!
With your insight, you cannot work with just any therapist of doc! You are right, they have to have the skills and insight to really have something to offer to you, as you have already done a great deal and have a very good understanding of what you do and do not need!
First, I wish you the very best!
After that, I wish you and your hubby the best, according to what brings happiness to each of you!

Take care, Mari!
~DejaVu

Wow Mari, that stinks. From feeling like you can't talk to hubby about things to having a tdoc you feel you can't go any further with. I am really sorry this is happening, but I totally understand what made you angry about the session you shared with him. Not good. He doesn't admit the hoarding does he? I mean if he recognized there was a problem wouldn't he ask a tdoc for help on it instead of putting up a front showing no problems exist? My mom's third husband is a hoarder and it's very difficult to deal with for Mom. He refuses to go in for help either. Says they can't help him. He won't trust them to help him, so that's a no go for him. But it sounds like there's more hope for your hubby. Like he's capable of change.

Been thinking about you and hoping things are better, take care Mari!