i am tired of saying hopeful things to myself.

things like "maybe the zoloft will help me help myself."

it sounds logical. it makes sense. but my gut says "yeah sure whatever. there's always something. if it's not depression it will be something else. and then it will be depression again."

i know depression has a way of talking back like this to anything hopeful. so i talk anyway.

but i'm so sick of talking to it.

i've talked myself black and blue off and on but mostly on, for the past frickin 7 years trying to keep on keepin on keep hopeful do what you can take one step at a time fall down seven times get up eight never say die take a minute at a time break down the problem don't look too far ahead don't take things too personally you never know what can happen look on the bright side look at what you have not what you don't bla bla bla bla bla.

the zoloft - i can take it, or leave it in the drawer where it will eventually expire. it won't make me any worse, so might as well take it. but honestly i don't feel hopeful. i don't even really think hopeful. i'm a loada horse manure. i talk hopeful trying to push back on it... but its not working. and i'm tired.

~ waves ~

You do sound tired but you are a fighter...I know you.
You will get thru this...just like you have done before....
and quit being so hard on yourself....
we love you and need you here....
I am sorry that you are so depressed...wish the med would hurry up and do its job!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Waves,

I hear you. You're not happy or not even at least not unhappy . . . . and you don't see anyway that you can be not unhappy again.
You did a good thing for yourself by deciding to take the Zoloft. Part of you four days ago decided that this was the plan for the next three-four weeks when the pdoc gets back from vacation. For now, depressed or not, wait for your target dosage of Zoloft and the few weeks it will take to have a therapeutic effect.
I mean you are waiting anyway. You chose to take care of yourself by doing this.
As for everything else, get through each day as best you can. You are already doing that. Keep doing each day.


Good job. Take it.

Yes, I know you are tired of being hopeful.
We are hopeful for you.


M.

oh waves
i know what it is to be tired ....so far the only thing i have gotten from my therapist is to know that there is hope. I sometimes focus on that when all else fails besides the expression this too shall pass when it d@#n well pleases. also remember heat is oppressive and it hot all over the world. i think the kremlin just broke a record of being 100 degrees.
we feel compassion for you because we are there too or have been there and will be there again. the nature of the beast. i don't think we can get used to it. but whatever you do try not to beat yourself up. i am so glad you are trying zoloft. i am praying it will kick in soon and help. maybe you have been trying too hard. maybe it is good you are finally letting your hair down and venting. keep on venting. don't try to entertain us. just vent.remember don't try to entertain us because that takes energy and you need to keep what energy you have in reserve to vent!
love
bobby

thank you bizi... i am tired of having to get through these. i feel trapped in this life that is a non-life. i am sorry to say these awful things. i don't want to keep doing it over and over again. i don't have any choice... i can't even entertain escapist fantasies any more...

~ waves ~

yes. i am waiting it is true. waiting for the worms to come (pink floyd, the wall )

pdoc. ha. if he ever asked me questions maybe i would have realized before i was not in good shape situation or not. or maybe not. i usually have a reactive veneer when i'm with him. maybe because i don't get to have half-way intelligent non-argumentative conversations with much of anyone else so when i am there i am more positive. then i walk out and it's like. oh no. here it all is again.

thanks.

~ waves ~

yeah... i like your addition to this too shall pass... that's about the size of it.

omg 100 degrees at the kremlin??? wowweeee. thank goodness it rained so it cooled down some here. normally i do ok with heat but i was finding it oppressive, yes. even if i am not so much physically tired. i am just fed up of not being not unhappy as Mari put it - that is exactly it.

i don't purposely try to entertain. but i guess i can purposely try not to entertain maybe that will work.

the poems/verse were not specifically to entertain. the Margaritaville parody was a whim combined with a lets-see-if-i'm-still-capable-of-writing-verse ANY verse, ANY which way. i thought you guys might appreciate the content is all. the poem i posted here (non) is a good expression of how i feel.

love

~ waves ~

well. it's day 5 and i was thinking i could go up to 50 after just 6 days, so i wouldn't have a half pill left over. (i do not have 25's, i am splitting 50's).

BUT.

yesterday i had a single "flash headache" (my term). moderately-painful twinge lasting maybe 3 seconds.

today, i started having more of these flash headaches... but very mild. evolving into a mild constant headache that continues to have quick stabs of stronger pain - still not strong enough to be bothersome, but this is also how it started last time, when my starting dose was 50mg. that time they started sooner (3rd day).

so now i can't decide whether i should go up to 50 mg after 6 days, or stay at 25 mg for say, 8 or 10 days.

i am thinking i should wait to be clear of the headaches, on the one hand.

on the other hand, i don't want to prolong getting up to a therapeutic dose. having started at a lower dose, the headaches might not get as bad as last time, and in any event they will go away. last time they remitted within the 2nd week.

sigh. the first few times i took Zoloft i did not have this problem. granted the first time i started at 12.5 mg because my then-pdoc then was very cautious and it was a new med. but in 2003 i started at 50 mg and did not have any headaches from it. grrrr. age.

~ waves ~

Oh no ! Aw... that sucks dear waves...

Hum... I would reach my Zoloft dosage and survive the headaches for a couple of days to see if they go away... then, if they dont, I would stop Zoloft... and... try a new thing

That's just me ! and Im not precisly good when taking meds

Take care darling !!!

When are you seeing your pdoc ??

Thanks Blue.

pretty sure the headaches will stop. last time they were bad, but stopped within the second week. but that time i started at 50. this time i started at 25 hoping to avoid that. but maybe i can't avoid it completely.

as it is, they didn't last all day today. i think IF the headaches are worse again tomorrow than today, i will hold off on increasing the dose... until they improve but not necessarily until they stop.

if they are the same or better, then on sunday i will go up to 50mg (target is 100mg)

i can't remember when i see pdoc - mid august. he is on vacation right now.

~ waves ~