Thanks Mari.

yes, i feel comfortable with Zoloft. it isn't stressful like starting a brand new med. i am not fearful about side-effects. i could run into some activation, but i have some Depakote on hand. i'd rather not take that, but i will if i need it to give the Zoloft a fair chance.

i don't actually know how effective the Zoloft will be. my pdoc is right that a lot of what is going on is situational. but i've been realizing lately that even if some things are improving, my attempts at life are completely empty. i don't feel hopeful about anything. when i am lively, or joke around it is superficial... when i do important things like look for work etc... it's only because i feel i have to. nothing feels satisfying or rewarding, let alone exciting.

i did one of those depression questionnaires on the web... and it's not so much the score that got to me (high) but my own answers were sort of in my face. for instance, do you think about death... umm not much... only on a daily basis. the thoughts are more on the lines of wishing i didn't exist than actually wishing to die... the mechanisms scare me. pain scares me. but the non-existence wish is perpetual. sometimes it is even a painful sort of yearning. how situational is that.

it seems likely the Zoloft can make at least a little difference. it's worth trying.

i have nothing to lose.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
Cripes!
You have been suffering this down-ness for a while and you are right to do the Zoloft. It's a shame that Zoloft couldn't also help you with your situation.

M.

maybe indirectly it will.

the depression is worse than i thought. it is the subtle kind and i think it crept up on me and because i did't exactly feel great before... and my situation isn't great, i underestimated it.

before, i had other problems with getting around but i also had a great deal of anxiety. the physical problem is resolved, and in general so is the anxiety. i still become anxious with job-hunting but only to what seems a normal degree.

soooo.... if the Zoloft makes a significant improvement in the degree of depression, it could help me to help myself out of my situation.

for now, much as i hate to say it i am out of the running. whatever fumes i was running on for the last run of interviews are gone. if something had come through, it might have had a bootstrap effect on me from the outside. but my inside bootstraps ain't happening. i feel like there is a weight on my chest most of the time. not an anxious pressure/pain thing. its more, like ... crap, i have to bother to breathe. in, out. there, another one.

~ waves ~

i wrote this in 1989 before being thrown out of university. i wrote a lot back then. i was going through the motions then too, like i am now. not enough motions: not going to class... not taking exams...

it is called, none, all lower case, and the lines also are expressly all lower case. i myself was in lower case:

stark and bare

no feeling left
to feel
the evening air

cold and still

no movement left
to move
the broken will

all and one

no breath to take
no breath
at all

none

I am sorry that you are suffering waves.
I wish it were easier for you...
I am hopeful for the zoloft to provide you with some comfort sooner than later.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

on youtube they have yoga classes etc that might give you breathing exercises or just breathing exercises. I really do think we forget to breathe and hold our breath from terror. I am sure this happens to me.
I wonder if my friend who has had horrible things happen to her such as loss of her little girl to cancer handles these things better because she is a singer and knows how to deep breathe. I never thought of it til just now. She never hyperventilates.
Love
Bobby

thanks bobby.

i can't be bothered to do anything. i don't give a damn about anything.

i breathe fine. it's about wishing i didn't have to bother to do even that.

i have been trying to stretch lately. literally - physically. but that is already a stretch goal for me, no pun intended.

love

~ waves ~

Oh dear waves, so sorry to read you are feeling like this

Hopefully Zoloft will help !! at least a bit...

Are you sleeping enough ?
Are you out enough ? (you know, to feel sun light)
Are you eating anti-depressive food ?

Oh darling, you are so funny to read, you are very wise, you are very nice and caring with everybody, I hate to read you are suffering !!

(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Dear Blue,

thanks. maybe the Zoloft will help. but it will take time to find out.

i do sleep.

i do not get sun. it has been sunny but i do not like going out.

lately i prefer rain anyway - rain is mood-congruent weather right now. sun makes me feel guilty for not being happy. rain is like the sky crying so i do not have to.

i am eating whatever i feel like eating. i don't eat much junk food or sugary stuff. but i am not trying to constrain myself in any way. i am allowed to eat whatever i feel like and equally allowed not to eat anything i can't be bothered to deal with.

Dear Bizi

thank you for the hugs.

~ waves ~