Dear Waves,
That is nice sleep, . . . amazing that you slept during the night.
I hope that your day goes well.
M.

i also think it is great that you slept.....take care
love
bobby

thanks Mari & Bobby

yes i was amazed at sleeping in the night. i have a chat appointment tonight so i may not get to sleep very early...erhhmmm...

i am noticing more energy. i noticed this before - other than those days when i was not breathing right - i was pretty sapped then. but i had been noticing it before then... and am again now. it is not excessive energy by any means. it is activation but well within the range of a healthy and sane. instead of the deadbeat i always am.

and i seem to be naturally jovial, etc. talking to me, you wouldn't think i'm depressed. if i take a "slice" of my behavior i go, geez, you're not depressed! what are you doing on Zoloft...

but i actually know. i mean, the joking stuff is... shallow? i don't know how to explain. i seem to have this... existential depression... i tried playing/singing today, and i had to stop. i felt dead inside. i feel that way a lot. and that is one of the reasons i decided to start the Zoloft.

~ waves ~

i am so sorry that you feel dead inside....that is a pretty great description of bipolar depression....and why we lack motivation....at least i think so...how to connect to the outside when you feel dead inside...pretty heruculean task.
then do you notice that suddenly it disappears for no rhyme or reason...it just isn't there anymore until it comes back...
love you
bobby

well. it was a good day, everything considered. it was uneventful - uneventful is good - it isn't stressful. my friend stood me up in chat oh well, it happens. we'll catch up later in the week i suppose. also i got an email from my good friend today asking if she can call... something to look forward to. she is the closest i have to a sister. i miss her so much. i have had a letter accumulating to her over months... perpetually waiting to be mailed... i am a dreadful correspondent.

i don't know if i ever posted that i did get the application letter somewhat done... several days ago... dunno if i'm satisfied with it ... will tinker some more. i was meaning to take it in in person, but perhaps i will email it in, and then go to the place in person a few days later.

tomorrow i told my mom i would go to the mall with her. it's not so much that i want to, but i thought i'd get myself out of the house. they have a free shuttle that services my area on tuesdays. it is air conditioned and the mall is air conditioned. at least i will have some cool air.

i am going to try to sleep now. i am not particularly tired but i might be able to sleep. maybe i will make some coffee first. ( decaf! )

~ waves ~

indeed. connecting to the outside doesn't happen a whole lot. it's almost as though there is an emotional veil there.

and yes it does go in waves. especially the depth goes in waves. with me it seldom disappears completely but it does shift into the background sometimes, and simply attenuates at other times. then it comes over me again like a big black clumpy cloud. and sometimes just lands on me like a ton of bricks. i don't know how many times i've woken up and thought, "here goes. why do i have to be alive all over again."

i have been in a brighter mood the past few days. but it seems to hold only as long as i stay in a sort of cocoon. when i reach out and start doing things that are somehow an investment, it falls apart... like today. maybe the Zoloft will help it not fall apart as quickly or as much.

love you too

~ waves ~

Did you get to the mall today with your mom?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Hope if you got to the mall you had a peaceful type visit.

I went to the mall on Sunday. With Daughter-in-law, granddaughter,
grandson, Devin, Derrick.

Quite a big group.

Donna