Thanks guys...

i am ok... and less overwhelmed, or more accurately, less intoxicated, than when i first posted. i only managed to sleep only maybe 3 hours because we have the techs here today overhauling our chimneys. had to get up at 7, ugh, still feeling the alcohol somewhat... yuck! fortunately i had the good sense to drink several glasses of water last night so no headache.

ok so what else happened.

ah yes. we talked about my twistedness... my reaction to the jaws movies... and voiced my concerns that maybe this isn't depression but something else. he said that aggression is always present in depression, and that it is usually turned inwards ... expressed as guilt, self-loathing etc. well i have those. but he said sometimes it is also expressed outwards... that it was not so surprising. also that it was not unusual to see a passive appreciation of violence in depression in persons for whom it would otherwise uncharacteristic. in sum, he feels my experience is consistent with depression, even if it is different than other depressions i have had.

i showed pdoc my fingers... which are ripped and jagged and bleeding. he looked at them intently and then said wow you are destroying your hands. we talked about it. it is something i've done before, but it does come about with nervousness, and he feels this is aggravated with the Zoloft-induced activation.

i also told him i've been more inclined to drink lately (until recently had had an aversion to it!) and he asked what i get out of it. it calms me... i also told him about the lorazepam-with-beer-chasers the other day, and that i subsequently restarted the longer acting benzo at night, especially hoping it will help with the fingers. he said that sounds appropriate.

------------

i didn't ask about increasing the Zoloft because i am noticing a difference, albeit in patches, so i should see how far this dose gets me. don't want to push my luck and end up manic. it's actually a very short distance between feeling ok and going over the top with an AD and i am already playing with fire taking it without a stabilizer. or maybe i do want to, sort of. i was thinking today that i am longing to feel euphoric... it would be so refreshing... but i realize i would end up doing stupid stuff i'd and end up feeling ashamed with good reason... sigh.

i have been considering to what extent there are mixed features... i have a much, much greater energy level now than with typical depression and the Zoloft is contributing to that. the energy is inconstant, and more helpful than not, but it does also express as boisterousness, elevated irritability and quicker-temper than usual. i get exasperated very fast. no patience. i also have elevated mental energy... which is possibly more preoccupying in terms of mixed mood. but so far nothing too worrisome, methinks.

re-reading this post, i am hearing more activation than i perceive in myself, directly.

~ waves ~

You really think things out Waves. THis is something I admire
about you.

Donna

i am confused. why don't you want to take a mood stabilizer? Are you relying too much on alcohol? I don't know if i should have written that because my depression won't go away and I am considering alcohol as a crutch and screw diabetes and all the medical warnings.
love
bobby

Dear Bobby

there's reasons i need a break from the Depakote. it's medical and personal i don't want to explain further.

no i don't think i'm relying on alcohol i went overboard once. before that i overdid the beer (2) on one day. period.

that is an indication that restarting the benzo is probably good idea.

love

~ waves ~

It sounds like you had a really good session with him.
yeah the trouble with alcohol is that it makes us less inhibited, and more likely to be impulsive, hypo manias evil sister.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Bobby,
I thought that people used alcohol to lower agitation.
I thought alcohol made depression worse.

But what do I know??
I'm pretty sure my un'dx'd bipolar-ish brother uses it when he wants to come down.
Make I'll check with him the next time we talk.


M.

Dear Waves,

I'm concerned about your fingers.
. . . interesting that they are a visible manifestation of your mood.

This is useful.

Yuck. . . . hearing that you are experiencing depression in a new form. The usual forms are bad enough as far as I know.

Your talks with your pdoc cover a great deal of ground.

My pdoc appointment goes like this:
-he asks how I am doing
-I say fine
-he asks about something general like my work
-I mumble and tell him that the medications are fine and what 'scripts I need for next time.

-Somewhere in between all of that he might tell me a story about his diet, his daughter, his wife, a place he used to work. . . . . . . .


M.

Dear Mari

my pdoc is both my prescribing psychiatrist and my therapist. all our sessions are 1 hour, not the 15 mins most people have with prescribing pdocs.

last time i had a lot of things going on and it was more an extended psychiatric/medical consultation more than talk therapy. we covered an extraordinary amount of ground compared to how it usually goes.

usually it is much more dilute... me rambling about something or other... sometimes we spend a good half hour sort of "chatting" or even joking and on some sort of digression.

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby and Mari - and Bizi

i have replied to both your posts regarding alcohol in the Alcohol Awareness thread. i hope that is ok. here are the direct links to the posts - i quoted each of your posts in my replies, for context:

to Bobby: http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/post693556-14.html

to Mari: http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/post693557-15.html

i find it useful to have those observations collected in one place.

Bizi i just saw your post - am replying now, also in the alcohol thread....

sorry if i am a pain in the a... it is sometimes a difficult subject for me to talk about here there and everywhere... because it can be scary. sometimes i get very ashamed and do not want to deal with it.

having the discussion in its own thread, it is easier for me to avoid/ignore it when i need to, without also having to avoid the ton of other concerns i am having with depression, medication, health, etc that i am piling into this thread.

~ waves ~

what with the only 3 hours of sleep and getting up early to have our chimney worked on ... kitchen covered over and drilled, heater pulled out (last night)...

i forgot all about my Zoloft this morning!!! that's 2ce in a week. it ain't gonna work if i keep forgetting it.

this upheaval was very stressful today, and in the middle i got a call from the consultant saying he's gonna put me in for a Java job on a newer platform and to study... throughout this, some emotional stuff that hits home has built up. today things kinda took a strange turn and i went from "just" very worried, to feeling completely powerless and party to something destructive, that i am going to have to step out of...

i am quite upset by now. and have to get up early tomorrow again.

i just took a full milligram of my benzo, instead of a half....

~ waves ~