[mymorgy]

i have been so emotionally exhausted and I guess depressed. I have been dressing my friend's bedsore for almost a month now and was depressed before that because of the holidays. I have saved him almost four thousand dollars because otherwise he would have to have a visiting nurse in each day and get charged 145 dollars a visit. I had a major breakthrough. I didn't feel good about myself doing this for Ron. I finally figured out I don't feel good because it still hasn't completely healed..There is now still bruising but the wound is closed. For me to feel good about myself, I have to be successful and otherwise I just feel so much anxiety etc. When I was five I started being the caretaker for my father who started to drink heavily and continued to do so. I was the hero. My doctor just pointed out that I wasn't successful
because he kept on drinking. As a child I must have felt as if I was holding the world together and if I didn't take the responsibility the earth would come crashing down. Mix that with being bipolar....anxiety to the moon
Bobby

[DiMarie]

Bobby, We strive to be achievers and a rewarding life by helping others. I think I am just realizing as much as I give, it can be 100% I am not God, I have no supr powers to be a hero, I can only be me and what I can give is the physical use of my hands and brain, I have no special healing in my hands.

When I help others like I wanted to Fix my daughter, I could do my part, but it took team effort, I can not be a team, We need a support system.

Our friends, family, church, medical, even meditation if that is our thing. But, You are successful already in what you provided. You have a reward and so does your friend. It may not have been the outcome you were predicting, but his wound is closed, there is healing going on. Perhaps some of the slow healing is in his body, not your care.

Your hands and talent to nurse him were a special thing. I could not have provided that. I dressed my daughter wound after it closed with a skin graft, not when it was open. You’re are a special angel to the friend for the finances he saved as I bet he did not have the resource and without your talent he could have potentially lost his life.

We have to learn to accept our small miracles when they come, face our human limitations, and know our hands are mortal, but our hearts are our real asset and talent.

I thank you for taking care of this friend, Always just give what you can, no expectations except, that one day wound change, and to the next. Not the long picture.

If I need a friend like you, I hope there is one near,
Di

[bizi]

Dear Bobby,
Thank you for sharing this with us.
You are a gift to the world you know.
This is wonderful that you were able to do this personal thing for your friend.
Not everyone can do this.
You are a wonderful friend.... to me as well.
((((HUGS))))
bizi
p.s.
the wound will take a full year to heal....
Tell him to eat a high protein diet and calories and multivitamins for wound healing...he may already be doing this....

[Mari]

Originally Posted by mymorgy

i For me to feel good about myself, I have to be successful and otherwise I just feel so much anxiety etc.

Dear Bobby,
Yes, the process is sometimes more important than the product.
I hope you can reach peace with your efforts to help your friend.

We take on a lot from our childhood years and then spend the rest of our lives getting rid of it. That's my observation anyway.

I hope you can get out of your depression.
Having a task that you describe where the other person is dependent on me, can be draining and I start to get depressed/rebel/get annoyed....

I wish you peace.
Mari

[bizi]

Dear Bobby,
Justing thinking about you...hope you are doing ok
(((HUGS)))
bizi

[befuddled2]

Bobby,

I hope that you feel better soon.

befuddled2

[mymorgy]

thank you so much. I am really off balance now because I am hardly getting any sleep. I stopped attending to Ron's bedsore on Friday and a huge pressure was taken off me. I struggled towards the end to clean the closed skin and no longer had to put gauze on it but I couldn't make myself do anymore. I don't know when I will start getting my "normal" four hours of sleep a night.....I seem to manage only one and half to two hours as if I am refueling and then am up....My psychiatrist knows but can't help me with this.
Bobby

[bizi]

Dear Bobby,
wonder if you can get back to a routine...routinue helps stabilize me
I like predicable days some easy days to when I can go pick out some tea roses to plant and snap draggoons pale yellow and 2 purple ornamental cabbages...I always feel spring is coming whenI start buying plants supposed to be in the 70 s for the mardi gras festivities,parades, floats, beads,marching bands, singers and intertainment, mid way with rides concert
Cold you find some sort of diversion activity to slow down your brain...walkiing helps, warm baths, warm milk at nite, kava kava works for some as does melatonin...and bendryl too.
I know how it sucks to not be sleeping well...I have been using that mood chart that mari posted and it charts things easily I go to it at least twice aday.
I wish some sleep for you tonight. How is your caffein intake, alcohol both affect sleep as you know.
(((HUGS)))
bizi

[Mari]

Dear Morgy,
I would imagine that Ron was a big stressor.

I have not told my present pdoc that I am not sleeping at night (only in the day). There seems to be nothing medically that they can do for me. And I hate seeing the pdocs 1) first throw meds at me and 2) then give up.

I tell him about my moods but not my sleep.
I wonder if that is crazy. ???
But I have been going through this bp stuff since 1988 and I have learned a little about how to handle them -- the people I need to take care of me.


But my sleep stuff is different from yours. I do sleep -- just only in the day .....so far. So on days I don't have to work, I can catch up on the sleep.

I am sorry that you are not sleeping.

Mari

[mymorgy]

I don't think it is crazy....it will probably entail a lot of stress to have to go into detail about your not sleeping at night and why bother. One of my friends said she has heard of a lot of people who have no success with sleeping pills. As long as you get sleep, that is the bottom line.
Today I napped some more. I think it will take me a month to get over the stress of taking care of ron. I was going to volunteer when he got a physical therapist to help him when he practices alone but this bedsore ordeal has taught me a lesson. I also started getting some vicious thoughts when people say things I think are stupid. I haven't done that in ages. I have a vengeful streak and I never like it when it comes out. I don't feel good afterwards.
I have been reading Susan Elizabeth Phillip's books..oh what a delight...Now I worry about going blind since I haven't had a checkup in a long time and I read so much. I really like to torture myself. I do a better job than anybody.
I know where I am most vulnerable lol
Bobby