ROFL! thanks! :) :D :cool:

doc was talking going up to a full gram of depakote again...
i said no . frickin . way!!!

ticket to dysarithmetosis.

i need to be able to do arithmetic!!!!!
he said well 800 then. 600 is what he wants for now. he mentioned going up to 800 and a gram too though.

800 ok. just not a gram. i can't even add single digits then!!!!

all my life i have lived bouncing transatlantic.... i am used to time zones... i am used to time zone arithmetic.

when i routinely screw up time zone arithmetic, themoreso if i am totally confounded by it, something is seriously WRONG. so far, i have only experienced this "WRONGness" with a full gram of Depakote. so, NO WAY JOSE!!!! :eek: NOT AGAIN!!!

:) i had told my pdoc every 2 weeks instead of every week. but lately told him i need to see him weekly because things are too messy. i am glad i told him that too. things are even messier than they were when i said it.

but what feels good is i got my first deposit.... so i can pay him now. so i feel ok asking to see him more often. i am not making him lose income by seeing me in a time slot that would otherwise be well covered and remunerated by working ppl. now i am working ppl too.

yeah... it's gonna happen this way this time... it seems necessary. i very nearly blew a gasket today at work, seriously. actually blew half of one and only maybe hopefully made it seem funny later? when i left i went and had some really heavy drinks........

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
You are holding it together very well. The Zoloft is working against you.
The Depakote will need a few weeks. . . . . If I ever took Depakote it was 20 years ago so I don't know how it works. I'm guessing it will need a few weeks at the right dosage but could help you soon.

I DID blow a gasket at work a couple of months ago. A colleague later told me to remove myself from the situation waaaay before it happens. He said to look at my watch or something and mumble something about having to go. In my building, "Go" kind of means going outside because many of our rooms connect directly to the outside (Florida style). I even practiced doing that with him maybe twice. I think I brought up the practicing once or twice and told another colleague that I might have to get up and leave if I can't control myself.
My upset was verbally striking out at my old boss, so this is not analogous to your situation, but you get the point.

(During a meeting I was running, by boss kept interrupting and referring to a very calm meeting she and I had had the day before. She was totally mis characterizing the meeting and was not going to let up. I barely remembered what happened but I think I pointed to the door and loudly told her to "leave." She did not leave. She is a dumb as. Again, I know that this is not anything close to what you are talking about. I mention it because I really wanted to keep my job.)

Any disruption caused by my "calmly" leaving in the middle of something was preferable to losing my job. My colleague saw that I was very wound up during that verbal sitatuion and he might not have ever seen anything that powerful from me before. On the other hand, as we work closely together, he might have (I say might because he is a guy) noticed some similar behavior from me that was of a lesser degree at other times.
I jumbled up that sentence. I woke up 5 mins ago. I hope you understand.


I remember hearing you mention that you have some Zyprexa around. Again, this is another drug that I don't know, but I ask anyway. Would the Zyprexa help while you wait for the Zoloft to go down and the Depakote to go up? Can you call pdoc about the Zyprexa and ask for more? Is he going to be unavailable during the holdiays?


M.

dear Mari

i am just so glad that boss is not there any more haunting your job and your life. yuck. it sounded awful.

today i DID tell off my (very new) boss and only later made a backreference to make it seem joking. i honestly have no idea how it came off.

i had plenty of other ammo lined up in the barrel it seemed like anything anyone said after that i had a snyd remark ready and managed to keep a lid on most but just barely.... and i DID at that point remove myself from the office i HAD to i did not see any other way about it. i felt like putting my fist through a wall.

depakote should act a lot faster than a few weeks.

reducing the zoloft to 50mg should also have significant effects, fast. i should be able to suspend without incident, after a week at 50.

being christmas time i may take a few days off when it suits me / when i need to. ppl take time off around now so nobody will mind. boss is off next week so even if i work then will be a less ehhhh precarious situation.

--------------------------------
everyone/anyone/regarding zyprexa and me:

i am going to say this one more time, as clearly as i can.

afterwards, i shall ignore further comments on MY using zyprexa as a mood stabilizer.

I can only use zyprexa in dire need, i.e. case of psychotic sx, extreme states (alternative being hx) or sx that depakote will simply not cover. it is not a question of asking doc for more. it is excellent for certain things. it is not suitable for use as a "pad" drug. it is a cost/benefit issue, and i don't mean monetary cost.

and right now there are other interventions which can be made.

~ waves ~

Waves

I personally commend you for handling the situations so well.
I wish I could get my son to realize he needs to be back on depakote ER.
I realize you are just on regular depakote. But it was so good for both
my older son's.

I know it also caused side effects so if I could find something that would
help them as well I would too.

But I think you are doing a great job.

Donna:grouphug:

I hope you are able to take a few days off.
Sounds like you need some time for your meds to work or stop working regarding the zoloft. good luck in your ability to control your impulses...this is hard to do, even harder to do while you are manic.
hang in there my friend.
bizi

hi. yes bizi i could use it.

and... well... i got sick after all. i had to stay home today. physically a wreck, mentally a wreck in a different way, and sleeplenss night.

hyper and weak at the same time. it is totally weird.

have upped the depakote to 650 and reduced the zoloft - tonight i skipped it even... i feel too wigged as it is.

i am worried about losing my job. boss was supposed to train me another 1/2 day this week for some things to do next week, in his absence. me not there this week = me stuck next week. great, you might say, so take that week off too! but then my immediate-hiring company would not like that. :( and so i am sitting here going i have to go in to morrow. and then, geez, unless i am a LOT better... that would be senseless. i dunno.

i feel guilty because maybe if i'd come right home last night instead of having drinks, i wouldn't have clobbered my immune system.

or maybe i'd have got sick anyway. who knows. i don't. i am thinking too much about too manything and don't know anything. i have detached words and images ... from work mostly but not just... dancing like sugarplums in my head it is NOTTTT FUNNNNN. :mad::confused:

this morning i felt so flooded i had trouble putting words together to say things. clearly it is not to that point now. i had a couple good naps today which helped i think. but there is still a background jumble going on.

~ waves ~

Donna - re Depakote ER
 

thanks Donna. i hope i can get through this weird patch i've hit now.

btw, just wanted to advise on the Depakote - i believe i take the ER equivalent. See, because i live abroad, the names are different. But what i take is brand name, and it is a 24-hour release kind. Abbott makes it in the US, here it is made by Sanofi Aventis - they are a partner of Abbott i think though. generic is not available here, at least not this release form.

luckily i have no side effects at low/moderate doses, a gram or higher and i get significant cognitive deterioration. i am sorry if Derrick has side effects from it i know some can be quite ugly. many folks have tummy problems and weight gain, i am blessed that i do not have that.

~ waves ~

officially called in sick to work for rest of week. my immediate boss might call me back if he wants to discuss assignments for next week. i couldn't get hold of him. i called and emailed him. my intermediate boss is going to follow up for me now.

i called pdoc. cancelled thursday and asked about immediate zoloft d/c - he ok'd it.

~ waves ~

I am worried for you. I hope you feel better sooner than soon. You have been under so much pressure. Maybe your body was screaming for a reprieve. I hope you can sleep a lot now and enjoy xmas.
love you
bobby

i don't know where i am
 

thank you Bobby

i sure hope i can sleep. pdoc wants me to call him again by friday to make appt for jan. i msy ask should i raise the depakote. i don't know if i am rushing it. i am confused but too, soooo afraid of crashing but part of me seems still on the rise???? :eek:

it's as though i have one foot on the up escalator and the other on the down... at the same time??? :yikes:

love
~ waves ~

i thought i could fly... so why did i drown
i never know why it's comin' down down down
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojbVL...=QL&playnext=1