Dear Waves, :hug: :hug: :hug:
You are probably right that some things are character and some mood disorders. The pdoc can help with both.

The pdoc is helping you keep your job past the three month mark near the end of February. You are about half way. You have done great. Do what the boss needs and be polite to the others as you are doing and you will be fine.


One thing that might be happening is that you expect to do actual work -- work that is interesting, helpful, rewarding, engaging somehow. . . . The boss does not care about that. He wants you to do pretty much what he would do or what he has seen others do. Take your effort down some notches and relax more. Pretend to be working. Then pretend again and get through the next moments. If things don't make sense or are not going right, pretend some more.
=-=-=

Lack of sleep, the viral thing, and the mood thing have not helped. This is a lot to contend with so keep giving yourself time to find a groove. Even if you don't even get the right groove exactly, you get get closer to it than you are now.

Work stinks. That's why they have to pay us for it. (A comedian said that once --I wish I remember who)

From your description, the people at work are not interested in making you feel welcome. The boss (to put it nicely) is not friendly. He might be fine as a person (I'm taking a leap here), but he stinks as a boss.
Think of work as work.


Regarding the horse. Forget about the bit for a minute:
Horses are herd animals preyed upon by other animals. They need each other for protection. Maybe our work day is can be thought of in a way that can be helpful.

I'm wondering about a cat's life. How would thinking about cats help? I think cats would not work at all or would have top jobs where they get paid to do lots of deep thinking without ever moving.

Dogs, . . . I don't know what dogs would be like if we had to think of them as workers. They would sleep, bother each other for a while and go back to sleep -- actually, that almost sounds like my work place on a good day.

I think of work as like a long airplane trip. Uneventful is good.

Are you hoping to get more out of work? To be engaged?
If you are not engaged, then that is why I might be hearing disappointment. . . . . . If I'm wrong let me know.

Relax this weekend and be kind to yourself.



M.

Dear Waves, :hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm sorry that you are going through a tough time. I want this period to get better for you.


Lots of hugs.
M.

Waves

I think he knows that he was rude and was getting around it by contacting
other person.


Happy New Years to you.

Donna:grouphug:

HI waves,
how are you doing?
love you
bizi

hey folks welll i tried to answer this thread last night and
whoooops... browser slipped on a banana
so it goes, lost my post.... yeah yeah i always do a copy before submit....
waddayaknow... forgot!!! lol... i do't like to stay logged in...so i don't do that.

anyway. quickie for now coz ...................

my pdoc increased my depakote (anti-manic). we'll see if that takes a notch out of me or what at work. i get stuff done but still have racing thoughts - concengration problems but it goes in spurts so when i'm like OH YEAH, then i get stuff done FAST, and then it's like, "feed me, see, MORE!!!" and i get real restless and impulsive can get me into trouble.

i am still sick, anitbiotic and all (did i tell you i saw the sub, and she gave me an antibio?). plus, i got real irritatable and had some wine tonight. yah, i know, not "ideal." and between all of these things, i am now pretty tired. oh yeah and had my usual periodic (erhm so to speak) migraines yesterday and today... fun fun...... more wiperouters.

got some stuff done today all the same, sorta. but not most of what i meant to do i got distracted and re-distracted and redirected on the web... sigh......................

still need to come back and reply about my boss and work stuff. WILL do.... at some point.

oh btw i am now thinking maybe he dind't get that email. 2 ppl i sent emails to from that addy didn't reply. one was in november and she wrote much later but didn't mention... so i asked... nope. other was very recent... sent a nice html-designed thing - person is usually very polite - if they had got it i think they would have acknowledged it - so i think they didn't get it. however, both of these were in the US where occasionally i have routing problems because ppl ISPs in this country cannot be bothered to filter spam riding their outgoing servers.... so every now and then something gets black listed... if i'm lucky i get an bounce message but not always.

now, i have not had routing problems within this country because this country doesn't do all the checks - fi thy did, i wouldn't have problems sending out of country DUHHHH.... don't get me started..... anyway lets be gracious and say maybe boss dind't get email. maybe i'll ask him. or maybe not. he was real sweet past few days....

sweet pita. sweetbread lol. innards and cinnamonrolls. do you figure cinnamon rolls are named after guts?

~ waves ~

thanks for the update.
be well.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

hello waves bizi
 

Hi wavs and Bizi, have not heard from eithor of you, but I engage in some of the posts and see you there. Have a happy new year. Lets hope this new year brings all of us a little relieve from our conditions. ginnie:hug:

hi ginnie! hope this new year is a good one for you!
bizi

thanx and happy new year to you too Ginnie.

confrontation with boss...
 

had a confrontation w boss today
took me off the scales because it involved my asking a question, upon which, he looked at me as though i were a flying purple people eater and said, with furrowed brow, that we'd "been all over that yesterday!" so at first i said i didn't think so and something else just shy of "in what in what universe?" but suddenly realized..... Depakote????? :eekL so i ultimately said i perhaps interpreted things improperly.

anyway mathematical debate ensues over problem areas. the icing was when he said i was being frivolous. i told him each project was different and to the best of my knowledge our work involved applying these frivolous theories in each case, to each project, in whatever way would make most sense, which would not be the same every time. hmppph. he also said no way it would work for me to do what i was attempting. i said i'd still like to investigate it if it was ok. he shrugged and left.

BTW, then when he left i checked my (his) notes about our 'conversation' yesterday and NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. we did NOT talk about that don't freak my head man. and then... oh never mind.

thank gooodness he went to lunch. i was schitting bricks (and i would have schat them on his keyboard, believe me.) and could not string thoughts togehter let alone investigate things by writing code. not for a good half hour. i could NOT take a lorazepam, because i am so sleep deprived after it sorted my out of sorts, it would have made me real sleepy, last thing i needed with boss taking me for a ninny as it were.

so he got back smiling after about an hour.... i was still so chock foulll of adrenaline i was afraid of further engagement.

so he sits and 2 mins later i get a sorta cheeky smile over the top of our monitors and he goes, you know, you can do that thing you were saying, the way you were saying. i did not want to engage. i spoke as flatly as possible:
- what thing?
- you know, that thing we were talking about, before.
- (still flat) what part of that thing, precisely.
- here, come, take a look at this (he had pulled my db code and was tweaking it...

ok, so he shows me his tweaks... that supposedly solved both "cases" of the problem. thing is, although my solution "looked" different, it was mathematically identical. and since i was still getting errors, i realized we had a theoretical emmm, "issue" of a completely different nature. and THAT's when i approached him before lunch and he took everything that came out of my mouth to be idiocies.

so at this point, i had to get through, to mr. very-happy-with-himself, that
1. that the problem he was solving was a non problem
2. his solution and mine were superficially different but mathematically identical.
3. there WAS STILL that other problem.....

but THIS time i threw out some nice formal terms, one to avoid having to spend a half hour arguing point 2 with him.

another, regarding point 3.... a term which in comp sci and especially db applications is often synonymous for "this solution is going to kick your clients in the crotch and then they will turn around and do that to you."

2 more minutes of exchange i had info i needed to keep going and he let me go do my stuff and did his own stuff. 5 minutes later he was on the phone and i was struggling with a bottle of water and he waves it to him and opens it for me. i took it as a peace offering. i think with him it's the best you can get.

the rest of the afternoon was pleasant. he even called me in on something he had been working on with another engineer. somehow that had the effect of calling me a not-moron.

so that was that.

i get out at 4.30 tomorrow coz pdoc didn't have any late appointments. crazy week i can't seem to get to bed/sleep before 2. at least tonight i ironed a skirt.

sorry for the very long post

i think of all of you here on the forum often and send you good wishes through out the day. :Heart:

love :grouphug:

~ waves ~