Dear Waves,
I hope that work went better today.
Maybe you can settle down while the boss is away.
M.

Waves

When you hit the right amount you will know it.

It took less than a 10 day period for my oldest to get relief
on his depakote. But it had to be raised at a later time just
a slight bit.

Donna:grouphug:

other substances
 

Thanks Donna. that is very useful feedback on the Depakote.

Yes Mari, the building is very sparsely occupied this week and at least yesterday there was no one in my office

.... so i got to stay in the dark when it got dark.... :D
.... i didn't get "hooked" into the dramas around me

i got some work done i was pleased with. i wasn't very linear (edited in sort of eh, ambush mode... oh! there's a spot! ahhh... that reminds me....

note to self: check if word has a feature to check for hanging sentences.
note to you guys: i hhhhhhhhhhhate using any word grammar/syntax features because they make you spend too much time "telling" the software that this or that "word" is technical jargon and "ok - leave alone - do not capitalize - do not decapitalize etc etc etc."

but i seem to have got most spots. today i have to hope another dude is there so i can tell him part of his stuff that is supposed to be up to date still isn't and it's messing up my data.

i am still thinking it might be an overkill but heck i can't see the middle of the road of there is one, so... whatever. at worst, the you-know will hit the fan and it will get back to my original hiring consultant that i'm an wiz with microsft word and who knows where that can take me..... hehe. :rolleyes:

~ waves ~

other substances
 

hmmmm...

let's try this again:

OTHER SUBSTANCES

alcohol - not had any since fri 17th - been too physically sick.

caffeine - suspended maybe a week ago, perhaps during the first weekend when the racing thoughts started getting bad. ideally i should stop all caffeine when i first get hypo... don't always notice in time. i have to stear clear when manic - because it can aggravate things rather badly.

the past few days i ahve started having tea again. now i wonder if that is responsible for the "cleaner" high of doing too much wanting too much etc. in the same breath it may have helped treat the fits of acute melancholy? i'd rather be high than running the gamut of moods in the space of a day or simultaneously.

today i had less tea and was less buzz-buzzy, more tired, but still distracted. physically i am still not fit. when i breathe or laugh you can hear that my airways are not clear. it takes big toll mania or not. and the building was extra cold from noone being there turning heat up.

--------------
i normally drink gobs of coffee, and am fine. :o sometimes, i could not remain conscious without (a lot of) it.

I am NOT EVEN THINKING about going NEAR COFFEE yet. :eek:

still having viivd dreams. racing thoughts are improving though. more genuine hyperness and a lot of distraction and then when other ppl distract me i get real mad.

i am not physically well enough to have alcohol yet - probably a blessing in disguise that...

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

That's good that you got some work done the other day. I hope that the virus thing has run its course and you are stronger. Maybe each day you feel a little steadier mood wise too. :)

I love being alone in my office with no one there. I get work done. More importantly I think ahead a little bit with no one bringing me back to their present needs / issues. Also, if I am alone, I don't have an opportunity to annoy anyone or say the wrong thing or curse (my fav way of talking. :cool:)

Yes, WORD really stinks. The grammar seems worse than the spelling purported assistance. I don't turn off the feature because the spelling helps save me from embarrassment, even if it costs me time.

M.

well now i get inspired, i get antsty, i get angry i get tired, i have tea, i go pee, and i hack and hack and hack. both from the chest and the keyboard :D.

it was cold in the office today. my boss emailed me which made a confusing intrusion on my afternoon without which i would have been far better off... the intrusion that is, not the afternoon. well i spent a good bit of time muttering mean things about him to myself :) noone there to hear it haha. and i did continue my stuff at least some. just CUZ. :cool: Hmmphh!

considering i am supposed to be off tomorrow (everyone is)... what's the use of emailing someone "instructions for the week" with only FIVE HOURS left in it???????????

i am stronger enough that i went to the bar to wish them a good new years and felt like the bart owner got on a highhorse discussing something and so rather than hangout for my third glass of bubbly i paid and left, thereby depriving him of my money (only reason i left) .... while i was paying (owner does register) i was graciously placative telling him i understand the issues i had brought up were clearly much more complicated than i had thought.

he has interesting input but he doesn't have to be an *** about it. i felt like kicking cans when i left. if i hadn't been sick i would have stopped elswehere and got trashed. i feel physically off enough that the idea makes me puke.

the bartender is so perceptive he must have seen a wave of something cross my face when i got like, yeah whatever and turned my tension back to my drink.... before going to pay... he asked if i was ok and was concerned... i jumped right up the tree about there being just SOOOO few buses i'm afraid to get stranded......... but i'm fine really. oh, so Fine.

somebody hand me an oscar. no?
then howabout an oscar meyer weiner? :D
NO? ok then a no-name brand weiner???? :hissyfit:
summore wine????

seriously i only had two glasses of bubbly totally tolerable, bit sleepy on the bus home but fine now.

back is broken body is broken. last night i pulled out every piece of clothing that is upstairs - cupboard and boxes - and got dumped on the bed - the clothing.... and reorged while half-watching the Vampire Diaries which i normally am glued to but i couldn't unglue from the organizing.... there was a lot of putting up and taking down of heavy boxes...... hence the physically bad condition.

only 4 hours sleep. but i made it in by 9.15 today.

when my pdoc gets back he'll tell us how my mood is. i have given up on that. telling.

i didn't buy any more hose. it helped that the stand wasn't there that has it, yesterday when it was, they hardly had any let alone nice ones, and i was not carrying money. stands don't take plastic, see. ;) iz all under the table. half thems don't have permits to be here let alone be sellin stuff.

~ waves ~

Waves

I'm personally glad to see I'm not the only one that doesn't like word.

I thought it was just me.

Donna:grouphug:

Dear Waves,

That respiratory thing needs to go. . . . time for your body to be whole. geeze. :heartthrob:

Yikes. This is almost something that I would do. Sometimes I have a need to get info out while I am thinking about it and while it is sorted in my head, but I stop and think about how the timing might be read by the other person. On one of our last days before break, I sent something to a jr. colleague asking her to look over it and let me know what she thought. She gave me half of a response and then nothing. I figure I'll hear from her in Jan. I know that people can ignore my emails if they find my questions / issues ill timed.
I wish wish that I could figure out how to send email on a delay . . . for example write an email at 2:30 am that does not get sent until 8:00 am.
. . . . Or a day later or whatever.

Your escape to the bar was rather unpleasant -- not much of an escape. It's too bad that you do not have a hangout with people who know you.

No more hose for now. :( :confused:

Are you off for the week end?
Lots of places are still working /open on Dec 31. One year, I want for a mamo on Dec 31. Years ago, my old pdoc asked me to come in on Dec 24 for a session with one of his students who asked me questions for thirty mins, and then talked to the pdoc for thirty mins. I hope she passed her test.
I may have opened up to her in ways I was not opening up to him . . . . or maybe, he was listening better with that configuration. My treatment had a turning point and things started getting better after that. That future pdoc may have given my pdoc some perspective he did not have until she showed up.


The oscar business is sooo stressful. . . . . my day would be easier. Really, that is the thing that makes work be work. If I could be myself, I would might enjoy doing the things I have to do. The role playing is constraining and very hard work. . . but it's not only work . . . . it's most dealings with people and the reason that some of us isolate.


Take care of your back.

I hope the pdoc comes back soon. It is good that you are aware that you can't read your moods. That's ok. It's his job to read and then tell you what has to happen next.

Good luck with the sleep.

M.

i wish things could get easier for you.
love
bobby

see, we are totally on the same page with that. the fact that email is asynchronous it is one of it's biggest advantages. sender and recipient do not have to have their timing match up... i should have explained what the boss did fully.

it was indeed 5 hours before 3 day weekend, after which, he is in office.
ok so i get his email. since, when i wrote him (from my bed, at home) he did not deign me with so much as an acknowledgement, let alone get well wishes or christmas wishes, i decided i was not going to deal with his email right then.

well. ELEVEN MINUTES after the arrival of said email, a colleague from next door comes rushing in and says boss called him saying he sent me mail, did i get the mail, could i look at it, and then call boss back at this number (colleague provides).

beyond me why none of the phones in MY office rang during those eleven minutes since boss should know his extension and he DOES know that i sometimes answer it if he is not there. i mean it would have been less contorted to at least try???

ok, so i go ahead and call him... and he explains more thoroughly and says to start that if i have any problems call him again. didn't even ask me what i was doing... hello, like status? any issues??? or did he think i'd been there since tuesday twidding my thumbs? sheesh.

ok so that's why i was so irritated. he ignored me when i was sick, and when i got back. then the day before he gets back he'sall over email and phone disturbing another colleague besides me .... he even gave the colleague his CELL to give to me to call him - he hates giving that out - had he tried calling his own office he could have avoided it!

LOL.
yeah... that usually helps. maybe he should try that.

that is REALLLLY COOL!! :):):) i wish her well, too.

the escape to the bar at least served some of it's purpose. the bartender is a dear. i've seen the other guy get coarse and on a high horse before i just wasn't having it that night. he was starting to rub the wrong way and another wrong comment ... well i knew i was in flip lid territory. i like several of the regulars in there and even if it means paying an owner i'm not crazy about money, i don't want to cut myself off for good. but i did want to cut out then, and deprive him just a little, heh. microrevenge!

yup yup yup yup yup yup yup.

my pdoc let me have it about this behavior and that behavior and whatnot last time i was there. usually he is pretty tame. and then he gives me depakote. hmmmm. he was not rude - but he was very emphatic. that i was out of line. but i believe that some things are character.

now, maybe others don't have character and that's the problem. or maybe i'm more far gone than i know and THAT's the problem. and of course i'm comparing times that "worked" in that i didn't get fired but was maybe still not ehhh "normal" ? so i dunno. pdoc and i are going to have to get into it about what is ok and not ok and to what degree one can be oneself

because you betcha. the acting - that KIND of acting... is more of a covering up, of a swallowing, holding back, pushing back, constantly monitoring tone.....

i feel sorry for horses. i wonder if they feel like we do after they are "broken in" ... with that bit in their mouth that tells them how to act....

i frankly i think many ppl enjoy having someone colorful and even silly around the place. maybe i just can't tell the degree. i dunno. then again there are those that act like they have that proverbial pole in a certain place but for some reason i figure that's their problem. :p

it is almost 4.30. i didn't feel like going to bed... and didn't. i feel rebellious tonight. i'd dance on the rooftops if it weren't so cold. nahh, not really (fraid of heights). but the fountain yes. i'm not afraid of water. :D

back is better... i really strained with those boxes... got started couldn't stop. somebody stick a bit in my mouth and pull? :eek:

~ waves ~