a friend reminded me in so many words, that it is unsafe to trust my feelings right now.

having been where i am, before, and had it turn around and kick me in the seat, for trusting feelings that went poof... i have 20-20 hindsight on the TYPES potential disasters i could continue to propagate forward into my life. but no way to apply to the present.

great. in any case logic can hold that. but logic doesn't get me very far (except at work where it earns my paycheck).

but for someone (me), and perhaps this applies to many of us, who is very emotional and i do mean when i'm stable, which i do not claim to be at the moment although things do ebb and flow i am not flowing and flowing and i don't ebb far... anyway we are still more sensitive, more reactive (i am anyway) more everything at a baseline nevermind now.

i take emotional reads on things - always. occasionally just before spells that evolved to full paranoia i've had sharply conflicted feelings that caused confusion and made me feel isolated like my emotional antennae were off. that caused a lot of distress but i am not there now. thank goodness paranoia is more an anxious feature i am not having anxiety except in acute alcohol w/drawal... yeah, know how to avoid that. also know lorry is there to fix it.

so many feelings so totally ONNNNN... i dunno how to plug my emotional transponders and not hear it... only way for it not to feed into my perceptions... and ultimately how i "know" the world around me... including, ppl, actions, reactions....

so .... how do i not trust my feelings. how do i do that? honest besides i react to quick i am not sure i can intervene right now i am pretty chill, sitting here posting nobody suggesting anything....

i feel more linear. i was getting to feel very branchy. i wonder if i can get the cellar stuff down there today i think not there is a lot of fine combing and deep-delving and i delve deeper than even plan usuall can't help if i'm going to file, i file it good. things look much sparser as it is though - in terms of "loose" items to put away. then there are drawers and cabinets i want to get to, too... since i am "making space"

i wonder if filing or making order with things makes one linear instead of branchy. or at least favors that type of thinking. like when you branch too much it doesn't work (well i just go way do something else and come back so i ma not sure.

no i guess filing doesn't make you linear but linear helps if you want to file or order things. but some branchy is useful.

~ waves ~ now pondering the branchiness-linearity of her current existential wormhole. hey, remember the prophets on ds9 would always say "it's not linear." i wonder how they filed things.

i think branchy is dangerous when you aren't grounded. it takes you places you may not be able to deal with. tasks can keep you grounded. alcohol can really get you branchy and can create crashes. but it feels so good.
i don't even know if you enjoy the actual work you are doing? I don't even know how much stress is involved with the commuting. I don't know if your parents act as semi grounders for you. I don't know if you are enjoying any of the money you are making. Is there anybody at work you are enjoying?
love
bobby

Dear Bobby i am enjoying many many things... i enjoy intellectual sparring at work, slong as it it just that, i enjoy sense of community/team when it happens i do like working with databases i like making things go - when they go i feel good.

i enjoy feeling able.

i enjoyed mending my pants it is tedious and linear but i enjoyed the velvety touch of the material - oh yes i am fixing the red cords now - the same way i altered the other ones at the beginning of winter

i enjoy some of the folks at the bar others are just strange and i can enjoy them in a different way

i enjoyed seeing the spike studded black painted heavy metal listening 20 year old come in walking her little boxer - wearing a lilac, pearl'n-'ribbon-addorned doggie-jacket oh my i died laughing

i enjoy when my boss makes fun of my other colleague (she and he are much tighter... and old cohorts... they have a pattern) and winks at me over my monitor. he's an oddball for sure.

i've njoyed cooking this weekened and telling yall about it and i have bought too many earrings not all of which i like any more and also too much hose which i probably can't use actuall that goes for all of it. i did buy two tops i keep ogling at the others but there is always something not quite right about it color or too thready so... commute is long i try to do it at time when i can at least not be squished this favors spending time at the bar afterwork

love you, don't worry.

being branchy is fun but sometimes the branches run into each other it's weird. or intertwine.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
I wnt to hunt down the ds9 convo. I didn't watch those ST shows more than threee or four times, but I do get linearity.
Filing is the opposite of branchy and why some people can't do it. They can't even use files after someone has set them up. I'm talking about people --- nothing related to mood or where they are in their head -- some people can't file. They are too branchy in terms of their make up .....but I think that you are talking about elevated mood . . . . another kind of branchy, but still branchy.

I did read both posts here on this thread and others. It's hard for me to respond because when my brain gets to a place where I can't trust it, I am usually in depression -- or at least deeep anxiety.

Thinking about your hair: it grows back, so if you want to cut it again go ahead. I'm wondering if it is usually your history to leave it a lone and let it grow when you are depressed and to cut it when you are not.

-->>> Find ways to remember to take your meds. Do that for me, please.

I appreciate your talk of what you enjoy.


Keep taking care of yourself.

M.

i agree but it's like filing is a process that makes branchy into linear if you know what i mean?

so it's like a sort of behavioral zyprexa... file, file, file... squeze those thoughts into a line.... a file... i mean the latin root for 'file' is line you know.. or "thread"... lol.... sequence.

if you saw how i orgnaized papers or filed you would not say it was a linear process though anything but i got a lot done though.... tween clothes and christmas and fiels i have 4 more boxes ready for the cellar, altered my pants, changed wardrobe for spring, showered and cut my hair. and cooked and stuff a good bit, helped out.

i forgot to write my status!!!! argh!!! she said monday was fine i wonder if can still get it togehterh tonight before i forget everythign tomorrowi have a sparring match with my boss... LOL ... could turn into boiled blood too, place yer bets folks.... faites vos jeux..... i did i neve rhave nanything to say sigh but it is a good thing technicallly - i mean this status thing. organized. sheesh now they had to start.

~ waves ~

I hope you day goes well for you.
((((HUGS))))
bizi