Waves,
Yes. You will get to tweak your life. You were at a standstill for a while --- I remember stuff about being stuck.
No you are partially unstuck but not in the next place yet. You will get there.

I think that your goal (at one time) of successfully doing well through the end of June is still a good goal for you. That's three months. The new dose of Depakote and possible lithium might help get you there. I know you've adjusted your goals, but end of June is still a good one.
You seem to be successfully getting to work and back and drawing a paycheck. This is huge and this is wonderful.

You are not however doing as well on the job or with your moods as you want. (Sorry to point out the obvious -- just trying to walk my way through this ).

Regarding the moods and the job:
I think you've been on the Depkote dose for a week plus a day or so. Is that right? Why are you waiting to add the lithium? Are you waiting a few more days to see how the Depakote is going to help before adding lithium, lithium which could take 2 -5 weeks?

Be patient with yourself. The med challenges and the work challenges are tremendous. If you rated your-self 1-10 on how successfully you are meeting those challenges, what would you say?

We don't know what exactly happens at your work, so based on your posts I give you more than a passing score at a maybe 7.5 / 10 (combines work and meds).
I almost think that your meds are working against you more than the job is. (call me crazy, but that's what I see from here).
In other words, I vote for the lithium. (Yeah, I know my vote doesn't count . . . . mostly wishing we knew of magic pills that could straighten everything out after a dose or two.)

Take care, Waves.
Have a good week.
M.

how much presssure is there at work? once you are doing the work do you like it? i am confused there also. also is it helpful to be out of the house or is the stress of having to get there and put up with sh@t too much? I think there are a lot of jobs that are not stressful. I wish i had thought of them when i was young but i would have probably dismissed them as boring. i am surprised that lithium would work for you.
love
bobby

Dear Mari

lithium is complicated - and i won't do it without the blood draws which they may not, plus need ekg and all that. asking me to manage salt and fluid intake right now is laughable too, so that doesn't make me a very good candidate. my old pdoc would have slapped me on lithium by now i have no doubt. this pdoc i don't think likes to prescribe it much, perhaps because they don't manage it so well here. i guess he figures if the increased depakote is helping, let it ride, it will settle me down without adding anything. that is ok.

i hope things are going ok for you Mari.

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby,

i've taken lithium twice and both times it worked very well, but i do have a narrow therapeutic index for it and side effects so it's not the first drug i run to, plus the management issues. it is supposed to be less effective for mixed or rapid cycling, but when it works it does work. also, in my early episodes, i did not have rapid cycling and little if any mixed - more "strange" stuff that was therefore frightening... tended to be all one or all the other and for periods of 4-8 months at a time.

----

the work is ok sometimes... but it is empty. my emotional state is bigger than anything else for the most part. i also take in a lot... see a lot of stiffness in interactions and see a lot of people with normal middle-class worries, and perhaps feel envious or something, but sometimes i get very angry with them... i feel that there is a lot of cliqueyness or something. i feel like they're a bunch of nabby-grabby material people. but the thing i liked right away about my boss is that he uses math. isn't that funny. i have not yet figured out if he's fully a nabby-grabby frou-frou wanna-be-creme-de-la-creme nose-in-the-air type person too.

i know work is not play and should not be my social outlet, but for me, it became an immediate social outlet after not having one. and i notice many social tones, and am overwraught. lately i am having trouble just getting work done.

i cried friday coz i spent a day doing something my boss did in 5 mins. his example was simpler but i felt like i should have been able to sort out the bells and whistles in at most an hour ... and instead i got mired in this thing......... he was not unkind but i was embarrassed. when he left for lunch i cried and i could not recover the rest of the day from feeling inadequate... even after turning the thing in and moving onto other things.

love

~ waves ~

thanks for posting waves, hope you were able to rest this weekend.
((((HUGS)))))
love you
bizi

i hope the lithium works for you and the extra depakote. it sounds like work is filled with land mines for you. does deep breathing help? i know i run to my klonopin when i think i might have to deal with something stressful-letter from state taxes. it is a shame there isn't one kind person there.
love
bobby

dear bobby sorry to confuse can't do lithium right now - too complicated to manage - just the extra depakote... i am ok sometimes... i hope the sometimes happen more often ... thanks for writing ... love ~ waves ~

I hope you have more of those times, too

I hope you feel better a lot more times.
(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
bizi