i can't describe it.

irritable irascible. but also tired and restless. and the latter two SIMULTANEOUSLY.
i get told off/pushed back for being audacious/loud. parents constantly telling me keep it down. at work its a strain not to keep an undercurrent of verbage flowing... all the other noises filter in.... and that's annoying enough though - others' noises annoy me. or should i say annoise me.

couple times forgot to take meds and man. but even when i take them. i feel like ever since the manic spell months ago i have leveled but it's almost like there's this chomping at the bit... either i'm so exhausted i've the wind knocked out of me or i'm too revved in spite of all the crap i take and even the as-needed add-ons.

i need to lower my meds to lose weight. i just ran out of my sleep med abruptly and can't replace it for a few months. from past experience, i am afraid this will have a really activating effect.

i often get depressed in the spring but other than some dips and reactions to work... i didn't even get the major depressive crash i expected after being medicated out of being high. all i had was major fear and depressive sx tied to the work situation... and now i don't feel level but i don't think i'm real manic or depressed.

what is worse i need to lower my meds so i can add a decent dose of gabapentin for migraine prevention again - i have been having far too many and i could lose my job over it (AGAIN). that reminds me i should pick it up today i can start it to help get me through not having the sleep thing.

i hate taking all these drugs. i hate hate hate hate hate hate it.

of course i don't want to end up getting manic, getting really really really up on a high horse and quitting my job because someone or something ****** me off (AGAIN... it would be the THRID time )

2 more weeks then i have 2 off, but i'm stressing over a trip too... psyched and bewildered and just how am i gonna get it all together.

most of the time i feel both tired and exceedingly restless. my mind won't shut up. i have been doing my work but i don't know how well. i know i had another spell where i spilled a deluge of ideas at my boss who shook his head the way a dog shakes water off after a swim in the sea and said wait wait wait wait. that happened at the other job once - that boss was the mean one and he said he "couldn't do this" and ran with a pen and pad to another room.

i am getting more aggressive and i don't mean assertive. it goes in waves... not constant, and anxiety comes and goes. i feel like i'm in a whirlwind and stuck at the same time.

sorry if this doesn't make any sense or seems to go back and forth. i have suicidal thoughts but not intent. it's just, i want this to stop.

i want a normal, peaceful day where i don't feel like i'm possessed or something.

is that too much to ask????

~ waves ~