i can't describe it.

irritable irascible. but also tired and restless. and the latter two SIMULTANEOUSLY.
i get told off/pushed back for being audacious/loud. parents constantly telling me keep it down. at work its a strain not to keep an undercurrent of verbage flowing... all the other noises filter in.... and that's annoying enough though - others' noises annoy me. or should i say annoise me.

couple times forgot to take meds and man. but even when i take them. i feel like ever since the manic spell months ago i have leveled but it's almost like there's this chomping at the bit... either i'm so exhausted i've the wind knocked out of me or i'm too revved in spite of all the crap i take and even the as-needed add-ons.

i need to lower my meds to lose weight. i just ran out of my sleep med abruptly and can't replace it for a few months. from past experience, i am afraid this will have a really activating effect.

i often get depressed in the spring but other than some dips and reactions to work... i didn't even get the major depressive crash i expected after being medicated out of being high. all i had was major fear and depressive sx tied to the work situation... and now i don't feel level but i don't think i'm real manic or depressed.

what is worse i need to lower my meds so i can add a decent dose of gabapentin for migraine prevention again - i have been having far too many and i could lose my job over it (AGAIN). that reminds me i should pick it up today i can start it to help get me through not having the sleep thing.

i hate taking all these drugs. i hate hate hate hate hate hate it.

of course i don't want to end up getting manic, getting really really really up on a high horse and quitting my job because someone or something ****** me off (AGAIN... it would be the THRID time )

2 more weeks then i have 2 off, but i'm stressing over a trip too... psyched and bewildered and just how am i gonna get it all together.

most of the time i feel both tired and exceedingly restless. my mind won't shut up. i have been doing my work but i don't know how well. i know i had another spell where i spilled a deluge of ideas at my boss who shook his head the way a dog shakes water off after a swim in the sea and said wait wait wait wait. that happened at the other job once - that boss was the mean one and he said he "couldn't do this" and ran with a pen and pad to another room.

i am getting more aggressive and i don't mean assertive. it goes in waves... not constant, and anxiety comes and goes. i feel like i'm in a whirlwind and stuck at the same time.

sorry if this doesn't make any sense or seems to go back and forth. i have suicidal thoughts but not intent. it's just, i want this to stop.

i want a normal, peaceful day where i don't feel like i'm possessed or something.

is that too much to ask????

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

I want a normal peaceful day for you too.

I am trying to separate the issues of mood, meds, sleep, work, weight, and feelings of general unsteadiness. Am I understanding right that you are depressed in mood but also up in not-good energized way?


This
and also this
Looking only at this, you sound too up or to. energized in non-helpful way. Maybe this "up-ness" is med related. Maybe it is combined with something else.
When I am not getting enough sleep (most of the time), I act that way because I over compensate for the lack of sleep by keeping my body and brain "up." It's not good for interactions with other people, but I don't have much alternative. Is this similar to what you describe?

I'm concerned that you are missing a med you were relying on to sleep. That stinks.

:> Focus instead of what you do want to do. Here are some affirmations that you can modify:

http://www.aplacefortheheart.co.uk/f...ffirmation.htm
I love myself, therefore I work at a job that I truly enjoy doing, one that uses all my talents and abilities, working with and for people that I love and love me, and earning a good income.

I love myself, therefore I love totally in the now, experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future is bright, and joyous and secure, for I am a beloved child of the universe and the universe lovingly takes care of me now and forever more.

Here is my attempt:
I am good at my work. I have a good future.

You can come up with your own mantras and switch them around.

It's fine to vent here. If you really feel this, you can try to reframe. The drugs are working for you somewhat / for the most part. They are helping you.

You need something for yourself besides trying to work, commute, deal with home, keep up with laundry/ grooming for work, keep up with meds. I want you to have some life. OK. I don't know how to say what I am looking for. I think maybe you need some time for yourself. . . . time to be you. . . .Music did that for you. Exercise does that for some people. Meditation can do that. Do you have a place you can go to sometimes (once a week?) where you can do you stuff? Think you stuff? Or not think about anything at all? Twenty minutes.

I'm also hearing that you are isolated. You don't have anybody you trust even with one or two of these matters. That is hard. That is what is coming out in your posts. I'm sorry. Not being supported ("uplifted" . . . is a word I've heard) is contributing to this bouillabaisse.

Mari

Mari & Waves

First Mari, I disagree, I saw much supportiveness. And thanks for the
linking and putting together.

I think you hit it on the nose in many ways.

Waves, needs to redirect the negative thinking. But we all know how
hard that is to do. So how can we help you do that Waves.


Next, Waves, do you have a set of headphones, that you can take to
work and leave. One of the things I see that you need is quiet.

I know that with our kids in our schools that need this. We suggest
either headphones, for music, or quiet.

Or muffs, that will drown out noise. But to me this would make a big
deal of you


I think you could get away with the Headphones, You could just say.
I need a little quiet, and relaxing sounds.

I also think the boss, that you let all the thoughts come out for. Would
totally get it. I think you need to take charge.

Donna

Waves

One thing,

I see a very dynamic, savy Women. So don't let this all get you down.

By the way can you get a hold of melantonin. It helps with sleep in
the states.

Donna

thank you both.

Dear Mari

i would not describe myself as depressed at all. too up and too energized in a non-helpful way fits. i get down, at times, but it quickly leads to more aggressive than fugitive states.

anxiety/stress in my situation is "normal" just don't help things... also precipitating migraines, feeding back into work-related stress....etc...

it's like a revved/tired. i cannot relax. i may feel tired, i feel tired inside, in my mind. even after i come home after a long, intense day, where i threw myself into work full-force and finally land back home and "kick back" my mind keeps on and on, my muscles hurt but can't stop - i can lie down, but i move around (i do not - well, did not used to! have restless legs)... it's physical and mental agitation even when exhausted.

i feel like i'm always 'on'.

oh and i have been playing/singing some these days... i began to impose this some evenings when i came home from my other job "cooked" i made straight for the guitar and glass of water and told mom put dinner away that's not what i need right now. so doing that sometimes.

i picked up the gabapentin but as you may recall, for me, i get used to it quickly (4-5 days), whereupon even augmenting the dose fails to produce a knockout effect.

thanks Donna that's a lovely compliment.

i've tried melatonin in the past... 6 mg the max recommended dose. it was somewhat helpful in making me tired if i wasn't. i may be tired but i'm already revved. that's the problem. i need some anti-speed. i mean i have things like chamomile and all kinds of herbs too. but the stuff i am out of for a while, well, depending on dose, it is almost a match for Zyprexa insofar as inducing sleep.

i'll keep the thought under my belt though. maybe when the gabapentin poops out i can add the melatonin for a while. but i don't think that will chill me out during the day like all the other stuff does.

regarding melatonin - i realize it is used that way, but one isn't supposed to take it long-term unless one has a problem producing it (eg elderly population). it's primary indication is for jet-lag, but clearly it has a role in replacement therapy.

headphones are allowed but not always feasible at work as there is much need for spoken communication.

i frankly would often prefer earplugs/muted sounds. but i reserve that for when i have phonophobia w/or w/out migraine... then ppl will learn this is a sign i am unwell (migraine). it will help if not having to explain all the time, which takes effort and can worsen sx as you probably know.

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Waves I wish I had answers but feel so bad that you can not just have a peaceful streatch of days.

Have you ever had a sleep study done? I had so much day time agitation, and restless trying to sleep. During the sleep study found out I have no REM sleep. that is the kind to get me into a deep restful sleep.

But sleep deprived is not good for anybody.
I have been not taking the Klonopin as chill pills, I felt like I was wound up but with out the energy to do a dang thing.

I am using the magnisum sufate, (epsom salts) called "Calm" but the generic brand lemon efforecent to get some decent sleep.

Whatever is going on, I hope that it gets figured out.

I love Donna's idea of headphones. If you do not need the back ground of work, find a pair of noise blocking and hook it to music or just one of those sleep devices that has the kind of background you do not notice, is it waterfalls and other things kind of a mix..

Reprogram your head from hearing noise at work. Then at home get the head ready to sleep, clearing it.

Some nights i have to talk myself into relaxing every joint, muscle eyelid to finally relax my brain.

Other times in the afternoon I am just passing out in fatigue,

LOL yeah my post was a mess huh? figure Chaos at least reflects the first post...
no - i am not sleep-deprived. i know those feelings though... i do get that way when sleep deprived but usually it is evident by grogginess and a need for caffeine... which hasn't been the case. i do need my usual caffeine, but not more than that.

i have not quite totally run out yet... getting there... trying to split what i have as much as i can but not much left to split and you bet.... it stinks!

i like your attempt.that is a good side to think about. but also the scary part. that they work. or i mean. they seem to. sorta kinda not always, and only just barely... i'm walking a razor's edge...

then i heard about the massacre in norway and thought man, compared to that guy, i'm the model of sanity. those poor kids.

but i'm still walking the edge ... i've felt this way before... i feel like a coiled spring.

true, true, true. i don't have a friend i can go out for cheap chinese (or cheap BBQ) and talk about face to face. No privacy for calling. there is one person i've been talking to but they would become too alarmed and often we speak when i am in transits... with ppl who live in my town or work nearby or whatever... not ppl you want to hear stuff about moods and meds and whatnot.

it has been hard. i have not even known how to post here. i have been posting more about work ... it ties in of course. positives there imply positives in general but the thing is i still feel .... yeah, like my "stability" is on a razor's edge, and sometimes completely illusory and i walk on air.

you may remember the 911 stuff. that is kinda back. it never really went away. what went away is it doesn't scare me. i just take it as a sign i cannot avoid. but i am not hounded by 911 sightings right now, this is helpful.

~ waves ~

Hi Waves,
Im sorry your havinga setbback.We all have them and it's very average.

My advice would be to use the tools I gave you from Dr. Abraham Low.

If you can reason the tools will help you get back on your feet.

Best,
John

No no no no! Not too much to ask!

Like Donna, I see in you "a very dynamic, savy woman," the kind who says things like annoise me. Hee-hee. Love it. Seriously funny. Normal.... Peaceful.... Certainly, such "ordinary" things ought to be within reach for such a woman.

I'm not sure I even know what "normal" is tho.

With all the meds you take, I can't help but wojnder how much of what you go thru is caused by side effects & interactions. Wish it were possible for you to detox completely.... I know, it's not.

But I know why you hate it, even tho it helps. I'm still new to the bi-polar dx. At first the drug was magic! Now, not so much. Side effects, & some days it's like I didn't take it. I'm just beginning to discover the manic me & have nothing to defend against it--nothing so far works. So....love\hate.

I've read the thread from "chaos" thru "oh boy.... " so I'll probably bounce around. I'm pretty beat up this week too. Hope I can make sense.

Do be very caution of melatonin. You are right, it's advised just shortterm to adjust inner clock of travelers; megadoses are used by oldsters but really not recommended. I've had 2 acquaintances end up with serious liver trouble because they'd take as much as 15 mg a night to get some sleep.

Have you ever used Bach floral essences? They used the principals of homeopathics but even massive doses aren't poison. There's 1 mix called Rescue Remedy. It's designed for the state you describe: irritable, tired, restless--unable to sleep. Don't think they specify irascible. They have a website. It worked for me for years. Sadly, guess I've used up my life quotient .

The noise thing I've had some experience with, thought different from yours. I have tinnitus (too many R&R bands) & the less background noise the more tinnitus. Depending on I-don't-know-what, my brain will turn this into the sounds of distant rebellious/angry crowds or discordant distant musical-ish noise. I can't usually go around with headphones (need to be conversation-ready), so I've learned to meditate. It's what Mari wrote, but I don't use the literal message--I'm happy to achieve simple noise cancellation. I set a piece of music or any set sound, e.g. poetry, on a loop. It's got to be something I can tolerate! It's sorta the principle of that tune you can't get out of your head....but I don't want to get it out. It keeps wiping things clean. I like it best with a musical phrase, no lyrics. Words are what I'm usually trying to get away from.

I'm afraid I am laughing (nervously) reading about your "getting really really really up on a high horse and quitting my job because someone or something ****** me off (AGAIN... it would be the THIRD time )" -- OMG THAT'S ME! Well, I haven't quit recently, but only because I'm 65 now & nobody here's getting work so what are the odds I'm gonna find another job at my age NONE 2 ZERO .

Is a trip necessary, if it adds to the stress? Just not having to go to work might be vacation enough, enough of a break. I worry about all these opposites you feel, like whirlwind & stuck. Getting aggressive isn't good. It can't feel good. Maybe if you could take those 2wks & keep them as stress free as possible, it might be overall more refreshing.

Oh, yes, it makes sense. The suicidal thoughts too. I'm glad you say "not intent." But of course you want it to stop. If you didn't, that would be....

....okay, now, let's say this together, shall we?

If you didn't want it to stop, that would be CRAZY!


love & hugs