I'm concerned. I see that you have the (Shocked) sign up. BF

Dear Steve,

i'm so sorry for causing alarm.

the shocked thing was coz i got real freaked out over something. but it is ok now. the past few days i have had a run of migraines that did not respond to meds and i can't use the pc much then. i'd come on here do a couple things and have to turn it off - probably why i forgot to switch the mood back.


other than that i am ok... relatively speaking.... other than being depressed and not the "standard" kind, but agitated depression - depression is predominant, but with some manic symptoms so i can't take an antidepressant.

lots of anxiety too, although some has dissipated since the work contract has been terminated, and in a way that feels fair and honest to me. i am still anxious about my future. i don't know when i will be able to get back in the saddle and have mountains of expenses hanging over me. i seem to be ok when i stay in a "pressure-free" bubble at home, but, the 'okness' is illusory. i try to step out... i am overwhelmed. but i can't stay here forever. pdoc says i have to rest, but he wasn't very specific. he left me to do a lot of surmising. i am not very happy with his (lack of) feedback.

i've also been running sleep-deprived and during sleep having very busy and complicated dreams that would shake me up and often wake me up. it was like my mind was racing awake AND asleep. no fun. :Nooo: but i finally slept all of yesterday. and a couple hours tonight. i notice the dreams are getting less vivid. whew.

thank you for checking on me. i hope you are managing ok. we can get through this. we've done it before. we'll do it again.

~ waves ~

thanks for checking in waves.
glad to hear that you were able to get some rest.
rest and then rest some more,
give yourself some time to heal...you have been thru a traumatic event.
I hope you feel better soon.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

thanks Bizi.

i haven't even really been able to "spill it" all here. there is more going on than the work thing. some pretty heavy stuff, too.

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still, i don't know if the depression is tied to any of that, or anything specific.

the depression is mild compared to others i've had, but difficult in terms of the mixed sx. i think the big depression came last spring... where in june i finally decided to start zoloft.

i think it is more of a segue to the months and months of running high and being medicated down but with breakthrough sx throughout requiring med tweaks etc. all that started last december. it ended almost inexplicably in august. that's a fairly long time. i have never had to take such high doses of freakin depakote. i ended up taking close to double my previous max dose, for most of that period. that is after i refused to take any more zyprexa.

so, i guess this is just what i would call the "fall out" period. loss of the sense of power. i feel something has been knocked out of me now. if it is just an "adjustment" i'll level out soon.

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on the other hand i am having so many physical symptoms... could be the depression is expressing through the body. i asked pdoc if i might be somatizing. got a "could be," nothing more. not a way to know, nor how to fix it if i were. thanks.

surely more sleep/rest/quiet will help, if i can get it. home situation is not favorable for that right now.

~ waves ~

I understand what you are talking about. When we feel that bad,the doctors are not very helpful.

Try not to worry about the future. I find myself worrying also about that. Things have a way of working out,but it doesn't feel like it at the time.

Put the alarm sign up when ever you feel like this. That's completely OK.

I'm sorry that I'm not more helpful,because I'm going through depression also,but I know that it will lesson to a smaller degree that I will be able to tollerate if no one upsets me over here in my little part of the world.
BF

thanks for understanding Steve.

yeah, a lot of it is about avoiding negative stimuli for me, too. that includes many sounds, tv, loud talking, general outdoor traffic and people noises (nature is ok). i am awake at night mostly now. it is quiet. and nobody asks me anything or watches tv or tries to plan food or outings or get information from me.

and i also can't stand decisions right now.
-- do you want this piece of chicken or the other one?
-- i don't care, either one.
-- no no, pick one.
-- any.
-- come on, decide!!! (and gets mad!)
-- argghhhH! sigh. flip a coin. anything. just don't make me pick.

decisions = major anxiety surge. do you get that too?

i guess your kitty cat doesn't try to make you decide too much stuff, huh?

:hug

~ waves ~

ok. i just totally lost it over some email with someone who thanked me for sending a sort-of apology (????? i did NOT - i don't even know what i'm supposed to apologize for.

this is all i need. i say i need rest and instead get more questions. i answer with a blithe sarcastic/joking remark only think i can think set the person off, and whoooooaaaa man, volcano sparks.

and I WOULD BE THE CRAZY ONE IN THIS PICTURE??????????

of course, NOW, i am mad. MAD MAD MAD.

mind you, this person makes sarcastic and even darned unkind remarks - not just to me - i've witnessed this done to others supposedly dear to this person - either seriously or as half-jokes and just glosses over them... often go unapologized for because don't call them on it or ELSE... a classic can dish it out but can't take it, won't take it, won't stand for it.

~ waves ~ now *NOT OK*

crap! just what you did not need.
bizi

exactly, exactly!!!!!!

i am doing a bit better now. the adrenaline surge has ebbed. twas tempting to medicate with lorazepam but being home, alone, interaction over, no performance requirements, etc... under these conditions i knew it would not harm me and would eventually go away.

when i regained my ability to focus, i read some. i finished my book. now, i am still upset/agitated, but less so. i will try breathing and visualization exercises and failing that i will eat a lorazepam to sleep.

thanks for your support

~ waves ~

((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))
I take a benzo every nite to sleep.
bizi