Thanks Mari

i hope you sleep well.

i was not planning to dance today. but it's not a day offf...

i have to go to pdoc's... kinda like, now. i need a lorazepam i am shaking.

nite nite, and thanks again. (((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Waves,

Oh. Yeah. I remember about the pdoc appt. Ugh.

I hope it goes well for you.

M

HI.

well, today, i did take a day off sort of.

my mom wants me to look up washing machines. about 6 brands and then i have to wade through specs.... i started but i got very upset because she started to argue with me about how to do the search (without any clue as to how the sites have the filters set up or what i can select etc) SO... i quit, for now. i will do it later.

anyway, the good news.

i saw pdoc yesterday. he feels my hypersensitivity (to certain sounds stimuli etc) will probably pass gradually. He thinks it is a rebound reaction from not being bombarded at work yet having to constrain reactions for the most part. Mom made a good point when i came home: the real question is, when you go back to work, how do you deal with the bombardment without getting overwhelmed after N weeks or months. Take that up next session.

that's right. i said, next session. at the end of the session i said ok, well at this point, i am hard up for cash so... (interrupting) he waved me off briskly saying oh no problem don't worry about it. he wasn't even expecting me to pay for yesterday but i had planned for that. i mean, that would have been rude not to say anything in advance... i suppose at that point i could have saved myself the extra bit o cash, but that felt cheap, if you know what i mean. so anyway i made sure asking if he intended that he would see me the same as before i was working and he said yes of course no problem. so that's that....

i have pdoc again!!!!

but i won't see him weekly for now, because going outside is just so darn hard. i hate the exposure even just to take out the garbage. when i told him that he set my next appointment for week after next instead - still not far off.

he said the dancing is very good even if i don't do it 3-4 times a week. he says it is a good use of the energy i have.

he is seeing a moderate agitated depression or possibly a milder mixed state - i.e. not DSM-V spec full MDE+ME. He said even if mixed, that depression seems predominant, and that i am at risk for a pure MDE. but the agitation he thinks is from stress (ehhh... i don't think he got how many manic sx i am still having but this too is not high severity, so no matter... if they escalate i will take it up again next time or call.)

anyway he said channeling the energy through exercise at this point will get me into my body and out of my head, which counteracts the depressive tendency to be closed upon oneself and "in one's head." he said even better the fact that the exercise is dance because it is expressive. he stressed not to make it into scheduled, rigorous thing, because then if i didn't manage this or that time, i would end up browbeating myself and obtain opposite results (makes sense - but what a relief to hear him say that... i felt let off the hook!)



~ waves ~

oh waves!!!!!
you have him back/still!!!!!!I am so happy for you and glad that you paid him this one last time.
he is so good for you.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

i am feeling flaccid and lost today.

a vague sense of torment has taken up abode upon my chest. and no, it is not the intercostal muscles adjusting to the increased singing sessions.

yesterday i accidentally (as always) wrote a song. it was positively black, hopeless. and this only a day after i'd talked/agreed with pdoc that this is not a "severe" depression. the song was basically a deathwish.

today is worse! i had privacy but did not even have the energy or will to try pick up the guitar. dance was out.

nothing. all i've done is eat... not to excess, but not for hunger. seeking comfort. but not finding it. i tried to read and had a hard time focusing on the book.

i have not started my mom's washer research i promised her.

i have had 2 cups of coffee but no agitation at all. still stim-sensitve. i opened the window and shut it for horror of the invasive outdoor sounds.

~ waves ~

Waves,

UGH about the dark song. That's not a good sign for someone not in a severe depression.

The washer research can wait. It is amazing the things we can make ourselves feel guilty about.


Keep getting through your days and nights.
'Sending you lots of hugs and good thoughts.

M

I am sorry that you are going thru this...wish you felt better.
hugs to you tonight
(((((Hugs))))))
bizi

thanks Bizi and Mari

i don't know what else to do. today is just startign... i went through a bug scare while i was eating (UGH!) that put my stomach in knots physically.

i had lots of sleep and just feel like sleeping even more. i am not sure that it is good though. started having weird dreams again too but i can't remember them well at this point.

thanks for sticking with me.



~ waves ~

sorry about the bug scare...ugh is right!
WE have big cock roaches here...hate them!
bizi
I just noticed that you mood said dead....I wish you felt better.

Dear Waves,

How was your day?

I'm really pleased to read that you and the pdoc are sticking with each other.

M