Mari, Bizi & Majo -- please also see my reply post to you on previous page... heck darn this page hopping trickery...


__________________________

Well, well. Here i am at 4.30 am.

i couldn't sleep. ended up i cried and cried. then i got up and had tea. now i am on second cup.

i had a horrible day today and yesterday. i have been trying to help with stuff in spite of the migraines and virus since both were well controlled, but it's still been hard. the virus gained the upper hand again today. i increased the echinacea again, but now we'll have to see. i reduced it too soon. heck darn fiddlesticks and poo!

tonight my mother said something about taking in the computer for repair. i had asked her to wait until i felt better, so i could help with prepping it. i will feel guilty not helping but i am really spent. i feel damned if i do and damned if i don't.

today so much tension with my parents. and fighting, and noise and just negative energy... ughhh. sometimes i lash out and then feel really bad about it. thing is, i absorb negative energy. then it overwhelms me and i blow up. i am trying to learn self control - how to perceive whether it is on the outside or the inside. if it is outside, to just observe it, not absorb it or process it. just know it is not mine and leave it where it is... like...

- SHIELDS UP!
- EVASIVE MANEUVERS!

right now i am mixing it all up with my own emotions. it is horrible and sometimes very confusing.

~ waves ~

yes dear waves, you need to learn about that protective shield. a boundary perhaps....your parents are so close to you both physically and emotionally, you do need to place some mental boundaries on your relationship. I think when you get sick you become vulnerable which lowers your ability to filter.
I don't know.
You sound frustrated to me.
love bizi

Yikes!
I missed that you were "clear out."

When I am in charge of the world, our meds will be delivered to us at a convenient time of day.

Well .... anyway. . .I am happy you have your meds.


The day was horrible due to the virus and to the tension. Has it worked out for you that you have your own space that is free of tv news?

M

i think that is one of being bipolar's main problems =having no defenses and the inability to fight off the negative in the environment. i haven't found a solution. last night i was on the phone with a friend and after a while i became so anxious. I finally had to get off the phone. the night before a friend dropped over and was talking about death and his possible death...it left me so low...i had no weapons to fight it. isolation doesn't work either.
right now you aren't feeling well so everything is compounded. how can you be more gentle to yourself. that is a hard one. i hope the virus flies away
love
bobby

thanks everyone.

Dear Bizi
there may have been a time when i had better boundaries, believe it or not. i think back to certain times and i certainly feel like i had more of an identity. remember when i became overwhelmed by work, and before i started taking the zoloft i was feeling empty inside... like i had lost myself... i think this came from absorbing other people's emotions and energies, indiscriminately and without knowing it - at work... it was a condensed environment, with many people. that's different than "simple" stimulus bombardment which was the original hypothesis.

so this is not specific to my parents, and i can look back and see similar problems with other emotionally intense situations. my mother has her own issues and is particularly difficult for me to be around. when i find my feelings changing, i am practicing trying to intervene with my mind, to help me sort things out. securing emotional boundaries is essential; shields are a step further and i will need to learn those too.


Dear Bobby,
i think the bipolar certainly compounds this emotional sponge thing, but i don't know that absorbing energies/emotions is inherent in bipolar. being bipolar almost surely makes it harder to control and probably accentuates it too. thank you for your well wishes. i hope you feel better too.

i hope you are feeling better too.


Dear Mari

i can't wait. you have my vote!!!

the virus was fun... compared to the fighting and tension. that's what was really horrible. that's how i ended up crying for an hour. i ended up with a new migraine today, probably because of that too.
that didn't come without repercussions. they resent it. i feel their resentment. when i am well i sometimes do dishes and tell them they can stay and watch the news while i do that. but with some cooking mom insists on doing the dishes herself... i've lost enough arguments to make it not worth trying.

~ waves ~

I am so sorry this virus has you down. I hope you recover fast. I am worried about the same thing, and panick when I go in public now. Our tourists friends are here, bringing with them a host of flu and colds. I try to stay home. Today I go to a doctor again, and have to go though I dread it just because of the waiting room.
I hope that you will be better today. I am in understanding with you about the TV. I don't like the news eithor. If I do watch, I notice right away,that my stress goes up. I pray your folks will still allow a bit of peace without it. There are people I know who can't turn off the news too. Get well waves, feel better soon. You are in my prayers too. ginnie

Dear Ginnie

thank you for your kind words. i hope you don't get sick. 'tis the season unfortunately, but no need to panic because of contact with others... we are always exposed to bugs. keeping your immune system strong with good nutrition, and low stress is the most important thing.

also, observing a few simple guidelines for good hygiene will reduce your odds of contagion even when many bugs are "going around." when you go out, don't touch your face, esp mouth nose or eyes. when you come home change clothes (including footwear) and wash your hands right away.

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

I will do exactly what you said to do. I will change clothes, wash hands, I may even shower. I will be careful not to touch my face. I get that panicked feeling I can't expain. I think that is why there was a thought I am bi polar, as I start to tremble at times. In my youth I was always in the public, but since I got all these medical issues, I freak. Thanks for the good advice, and I am taking it to heart. Will bring some wipes with me too. I have a friend going with me, someone to sit beside me, I am blessed. talk to you soon, feel better. ginnie

Waves,
I hope that Tuesday goes better for you. I don't know how you can get way from tension like that except getting out to be with nature or with other people.
. . . Maybe sleep or getting absorbed in something.

M

Yes honey but some side effects are worse than others and some dont even deserve a try, specially if the medicine is not working as we need too. You now, like pros vs cons...

That's why I ask... is zoloft working or not even ?? Do you feel better taking it ?? Do you like that med ??

Sorry if this has been answered or posted before... hehe, my mind is worse than those tephlon plates and cant retain anything... LOL

Hope you are better today ?? Silly virus. I want to slap them all in the face... ! I mean, in their nasty genetic material

Lots of hugs for you !!!

Have a good rest (virus hate that), eat well, drink well and take care !