Will do Mari
 

Search has started, for better location. My son thinks I am nuts to give up the property here. I think about mother Nature first Mari, and the abliilty for a disabled person to "shelter" in place. That is going to be my first priority. I will look into that insurance. thanks Mari. ginnie

Dear Bobby,

My anxiety is so consuming and so up front that during some moments of the day I feel I could totally freak out into an out of control state within seconds and then not be able to ever come back to functioning. That is the kind of thing that is hard to explain to people who do not deal with intense desires.
Do you feel that her "redirecting" is a way to skip past the issue and not give you a chance to deal with it?

One would hope that she has been trained and has some experience with people with bipolar even if she does not understand the strength of those feelings we have.
Maybe non-bipolar people never can understand. Some can at least acknowledge that they cannot and they can have empathy or even sympathy.

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Maybe you can think of things that she is capable of helping you with.
Are there things she can do that would benefit you?

Holding onto religion makes sense to me.

I watched a few minutes of Wayne Dyer on PBS the other day. Some years I do not like him because he has too much fluff and in an odd way he seems too full of himself. In the part of the episode I watched he spoke about how what we think about the most keeps expanding. We therefore need to think about good things. I am working on that (He has been teaching this for years and refining it a bit now.)
For the past few days I am saying things like
I am beautiful. I am strong. I am happy and healthy. I have love and I am loved.
I guess I say it in the hope that it works.

I have a CD I listen to in the car by a buddhist monk who talks his audience through the practice of meditation. . . . . I think that I am resisting meditation even though I am becoming more and more familiar and comfortable with it.
It is ok to doubt religion. It is the practice of it that counts, not the fulfilled promise of it -- (but what do I know ;) )
The religion that you mention is a very good thing. Hold on to it. Fill up your days and nights. Fill up you whole apartment. Let it heal you. :)

M

I am so sorry about your anxiety.....i don't think a "normal" person could get it or could even handle it. i think it would frighten them. it exists.....my therapist would probably run from it and tell you to get engaged in more activities. she tells me to get engaged in more activities which i know is good but yesterday for instance i came home from the senior center and put on a nightgown and went into bed. the depression at this point wins out. i haven't been reading but i did finish the end of suffering. it was good but it was intellectual. it showed intellectually how we are not alone but one with all and it took it through a physics's basis and through a psychic basis and showed how an Indian Guru based his philosophy on it many hundreds of years ago. it didn't take away my depression. I am bothered that Mark, who i used to sit next to at the senior center, is lying in bed at the hospice at bellevue waiting to die at bellevue. I am now sitting next to a very nice man who survived lung cancer in both lungs and had the cancer cut out and four heart surgeries and whose wife died of cancer two years ago. You couldn't tell except he has talked about it. he has also talked so lovingly of his delightful grandchild. he is going to his first graduation from pre kindergarten today and was told by the child to dress up and wear dress pants and not kakis or jeans but that he didn't have to wear a tie. I go up and down with the stories. Yesterday i walked six blocks and am ready to walk today even though i am exhausted and so depressed. I just want to stay in bed. I am so thankful of cecilia. the depression doesn't want to go away. yesterday i bought a fan and hopefully will save money from not using the air conditioner.
I am in such a mixed state.
bobby

Dear Bobby,

I really hate that you are in a mixed state. Those are awful.
The therapist means well I suppose but as you say she does not "get" it.

Wow. He is an amazing survivor even though his story is so sad.


The book seems to have been somewhat helpful . . . not in turns of actual relief of depression . . . but maybe at least as a distraction.

It think it is fabulous that you are walking six blocks. Do you have shoes that are comfortable for that?

I wonder if some people (non-bipolar people) can handle hearing the stories without being affected by them.

Mari

i have shoes that are comfortable but i don't have sneakers that are comfortable. I don't think that people have the patience to hear bipolar symptoms because they keep on being repeated and they are not visual.
You are right...the man's story is sad but he isn't sad so i told him he was blessed since he had such a happy marriage for thirty seven years and he survived the lung cancers and heart surgeries. maybe i should have been more empathetic. he wanted to tell his story but i guess i don't know what kind of reponse he wanted. yesterday he talked a lot about his travels. he said that salmon died after they laid their eggs. he went to alaska among the many other places he and his wife had visited.
i am not looking forward to therapy today. Last night i dreamt i went shopping for end of season clothing...i was thin...then i went japanese food shopping and had to go through a rigamorale on an escalator and dreamt of the stock market and dogs...just plain weird.
bobby

good luck with therapy today.
bizi:hug:

therapy went well. i talked a lot and guess complained. my therapist said something about my depression to the effect that i start off saying i am depressedbut as the session progresses i laugh and my face lights up. I think i try to entertain when i have the energy but didn't tell her that because i didn't think of that. Mark died this week. I guess he went quickly. I think he was only in the hospice for two weeks. I sat next to him at the luncheon table for almost two years.
bobby

Dear Bobby, :heartthrob:

I am so sorry about Mark. Many hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug:


M

Oh I am sorry about mark, it sounds like he did not suffer long.
bizi

Bobby,

I think a lot of us might do that in therapy. I told my therapist that my Dad is charming /charms people. She said I have that too. I think I want to make people feel better when they are around me. I am not convinced it is helpful in therapy. Maybe it is. Maybe we adapted to do that so that the therapist will want to help us.

You have a dream life unlike mine. Mine are more frightening and I do what I can to forget them. I like that yours lead somewhere even if you do not now know exactly where.

Mark was not probably looking for a certain response. He was looking for someone to listen to him. You did that.

I occasionally wonder if my tdoc is getting bored with me, especially if she does not see progress. I think pdocs do not care about progress. They are fine if we reach some kind of stability and then maintain. Tdocs seem to want us to follow some of their suggestions and be at least a little better at some point.

M