Acemagoo You have value beyond your comprehension. Sometimes we have a shattered view of ourselves when we are going through this type of illness.

I also have chest pains that are caused by anxiety,and panic attacks. Please keep taking your medication. I also have thought that I would do better without medicine,and tried to stop gradually over time. I almost ended up in the hospital. My doctor put me back on a full dose of medicine.

We also have a Survivors of Suicide forum. I almost committed suicide myself when I was going through a low time in my life. I've been through many low times when I thought that I would not make it through another emotional low.

Life is worth living,even though things are not looking good for the future. The bible has helped me. I try to take one step at a time.

I hope that you feel comfort talking to us. BF

Dear Ace

i haven't been able to hold a steady for a good while now... kept trying, and kept falling apart. usually it's the job though, so i am going to try a different field. however some things are me.... i am searching for solutions through therapy but i am so scared i just will not make it. i understand the feeling. i also have migraines that in periods of stress get worse and do not respond to medication, making me not viable for work, or at best less productive, for about 7-10 days of the month (non consecutive, 2 here, 3 there... etc.)

i don't have disability, i don't know how to get it, i live in a different country and nobody (not my doc, not the social workers) seems to be able to help me get it, and from what i can tell there isn't a type that actually gives income here, but only protection in the work force... very limited protection... so far so i gave up... at least for now....

i also want to invite you to read, and when you feel up to it, introduce yourself, to the understanding group of folks in our (link follows)

Survivors of Suicide Forum

that BrokenFriend mentioned above. several of us post there more or less often as well as here, but you will find many other folk there who have been touched by suicide in various ways - those who lost a loved one to suicide, those who themselves attempted and failed, and those who have (or still do) go through feelings of suicidality. they are a supportive bunch with a lot to offer. be sure to read the "sticky threads" at the top of that forum, including
Thoughts from Pter on Suicide
and
What to do if you are alone and thinking about suicide.

another good resource: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

all the best to you - and welcome to Neurotalk, and to the Bipolar Forum.

~ waves ~

Dear Lizzo

I see you are new too... so... Welcome to Neurotalk, to the Bipolar Forum, and if you wish i do encourage you to visit the Survivors of Suicide (link is in my post to Ace, right before this one). I don't know if you ever go through feeling suicidal any more, that you need support yourself, but certainly you would have much to give to others there.

I appreciated your post as a whole, but i am sorry that it took an accident and TBI to get you "out" of a job that was hurting you. yet, i can see how that can happen... i clung to my field for years, despite being burned job after job... going crazy each time (it's like, if it burns, don't keep touching it, yathink??? nope!) well, i am glad your accident at least came with this silver lining of sorts, even if you are now "differently challenged."

take care, and again welcome.

~ waves ~

Talking about what you are feeling is healing in itself. And you are so right about understanding that your daughter, regardless of her age, does not need for her mother to leave this legacy behind. (lost our only son to suicide 20 some years ago and it changed our family forever...didn't think I could survive losing him...it took me years to accept it.)

Please continue to express yourself here or on the SOS forum (waves gave you the link) You are getting great support here. Lot's of us are sending you positive thoughts...you aren't alone!!

i haven't worked in years and feel very judgmental like you and like you like my independence but don't take good care of myself. I am trying to break the belief that if i don't contribute i don't deserve to live and that i am just taking up space. Most of my prior jobs were in the non profit area. I felt comfortable there rather than working for a corporation whose sole purpose was to make money. I was really bad.
I don't know how old you are but i right now have a cleaning woman who comes twice a week for a tiny amount of money. i don't know how long it will continue. I got it through the department of aging. Maybe there is some resource out there for you. i don't even have to pay.
I have very close to a friend who is also bipolar but who is ten years younger than i am. last night she told me that i had to live a long time because she needed me badly. we understand each other so well. she said i had purpose because of her need for me. it made an impression. it was just one person but it made me realize we do things and aren't aware of the value. the worse thing is to have a need to feel you should contribute to live. i haven't mastered that one so i can't give you advice. I know it is wrong. God put us on this planet and we are God's.. He gave us bipolar and we didn't chose to be bipolar. we try our hardest but things don't work out whereas they seem to flow for others but not for us. our bipolar seems to get worse as we get older because maybe we grow more tired dealing with it.
I wouldn't worry about ssdi if i were you. Your doctors are behind you. Have you thought of getting a cat or a dog? or you don't care for animals or can't afford them or can't take care of them. My cats are a source of solace for me.
also i started going to a senior's center for lunch and it has broken the isolation. although most of the people are depressed who sit at my table they are very nice and we have a nice time. i feel at home. it forces me to leave my apartment. is there some activity you can join? you seem to be very intelligent. if i were you,i would work on why you feel you have to be doing something in the external world to be a valuable person. you are a valuable person just the way you are. you have to remember that. keep on posting.
yes there are many times when i wish i were dead.
bobby

I think that many of us have wished we were dead at one time or another in our lives...the important thing to remember it that it will pass and you will feel better! Granted, it may come around again but all we can ask for is to "do one day at a time". If there is no wind, row. If you can't swim, float.
I'm so glad you are alive Bobby.

Amen to being glad Bobby is alive.

I'm also glad everyone that visits this room is alive.



Donna

I ruined my life and feel now I have to pay.

I totally get where you're coming from, but believe me when I say that what you think you have ruined is not your fault at all!! I felt the same way in January of 2009 and came extremely close to ending my own life. Since then, I have chosen not to "pay" but to pay it forward by bettering others' lives. If you feel that you have ruined your life, use that experience as a tool to educate others so they will not make the same mistakes.

Just know that I care, Ace!!

What a good way to think

katiebell.

Donna

acemagoo...........please spare the next 7.35 mins and watch this link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f198pJXYZOs

pay it forward is to me [and katiebell] truly inspirational by design...........you actually do get to fix another human being [you just don't wait about to see the success story]

I too have BP diagnosed in 2006....though probably had it from when i was 13.....1977......[first suicidal thought and crass attempt]

throughout life i muddled on.................

1993.....big year............mutilated my body in big attempt............

but for the last 18 years i have been a support worker in two fields....8 years with disabled adults.....last ten years homeless adults........with varying support needs.addiction..criminal backgrounds...mental health abuse victims and perpetrators.......etc..........

when you have or can walk a mile in someone else s shoes..........you become a semi professional...........and believe it or not many listen to you more than fully professional people.......[why?,,,, because youv'e been there.......felt the pain]

.Disability..............is only such if you allow it to dis-able YOU

and don't think for one min...... I've mastered this demon...........i have not............August 21 2011 last overnight A&E stay suicidal thoughts..............[they don't always go AWAY..........you learn to live with emmmmm. [don't act on the thought act on the fear..........get to a doctor or hospital............


you can overcome this crappy time in your life........... Just learn to dance in the rain...................

David