I read so much about bipolar people who work and fight through the depression, they are so strong. I am weak. I don't see anything about people with bipolar who dont work and are on disability long term. Some get on disability and then get off and go back to work. I did try to go back to work once but quit because I just can't handle it. I had a great career but now it is lost. It is the only thing that I ever succeeded in life and the only way I could ever support myself and now it is gone. No and one will ever hire me in my field because I have been out so long. Even if they did I would start to have problems after the stress built up over working full time. And I loved my job. It was the last thing I did in this life that I enjoyed. I am afraid I will lose my SSDI and will have to kill myself. Sometimes I think I deserve this because I won't work and so many with bipolar struggle it out. I get depressed anyways and I think of suicide a lot and now I think that I will have to do it a lot. Is any one else in this situation? Does anyone understand?

Hi. I worked my entire life as a bipolar depressant and it was not easy. Last fall I tried to commit suicide. While in recovery and getting back to a place where I could be a good worker bee, I was hit by a car while riding my bicycle. Now I have a traumatic brain injury and will never have to go back to that job that I hated. The point here is that it isn't about bravery, it's about doing what you can to survive for you. If working makes you more crazy, that job is NOT for you. Maybe your skill set is better for something done from home or with a compassionate group. There are resources who understand.
When I was hospitalized, I was amazed at all of the people who were in and out of the hospital on a regular basis, too. I never wanted to be there -- especially against my will. You are as strong as you want to be. Trust me. I think that getting hit by the car was in some ways a favor. I will never be the same, but I am no longer crazy, really. I am challenged differently. Good luck to you.

Thank you for your reply. The problem is the job didn't make me crazy, life made me crazy and I couldn't hold the job. The job was the only thing that made me feel good but I was falling apart at home and it was impacting my ability to show up, stay at my desk and complete the day. If I could do the job part time from home I would. It just isn't available.

I have tried studying to get skills that might allow me to work from home but I kept crashing. I would study 10 hours a day or longer. Then I would stop studying, sometimes for months. My meds were swithched because I was having mixed episodes, after that I have no interest in studying. My meds were switched again, no difference. I have no ambition to even find a way to work part time from home. I tried to go off my meds to see if I would study again but that didn't work out to well. I don't know if the meds are having that effect on me or if it is just me.

You do have brain trama but you kept trying with bipolar before that happened.

What is my excuse?

I have no value to society and I don't have it in me to try.

The only value my life has is to not hurt my daughter.

A lot of times I want to die, but lately I feel I will have to do it. I have the pain in my chest that makes me think about doing it and fear in my head that I will have to do it. The anxiety is so frustrating.

I ruined my life and feel now I have to pay.

I'm sorry I am posting this, but writing down how I feel so that someone sees it seems like the only thing I can do. It is the only thing I can concentrate on. I wish I could write about it forever so I can do something. I don't want to do anything else.

Acemagoo

Please get yourself into a doctor, if you are having feeling of depression, or killing yourself. These are things that you need to deal with now.

The fact that you can't work, is not something to be ashamed of. You are working in your own way. Your taking care of your daughter.

That is the most important job in the world. Period.

There are volunteer jobs, with schools and other places you can do in your
home. Look into how you can help some agencies that need things done.
That they can't exactly afford to pay to get done.

This would be so beneficial to more than just you.

I work for Families with disabled children, and quite a few of their parents. Have disabilities. Some of them mental health ones. That they can't hold jobs. And having SSDI, is great. So don't be ashamed, just be there for your family. And get help.

Wriet when you need.

Donna

My daughter is grown up now and has a child of her own. She doesn't need me that way. She does need me to not hurt her though and I understand that.

I have told my pdoc and tdoc how I feel. I found a place I can go where I at least I feel like living and have someone take care of me because I can't take care of myself. My tdoc was very supportive. When I got worried about losing my SSDI she told me not to worry. I felt better for about two or three days. Then back to my current state. My pdoc called to check on me and I told her I wasn't going. She tried to get me to come in but I felt she couldn't help. Then my tdoc called because my pdoc told her I wasn't going. She talked to me and told me I really shouldn't worry about losing my disability. But she won't be my tdoc when I go and she won't be my tdoc when I get a review. If I go the symptoms of me not caring for myself will be hidden, because someone will be doing it and be helping me. My stress will go down, my suicidal thoughts won't be as bad because I think of how well I have it and be able to fight against them easier. It will seem that I have gotten better when really it is the change in enviorment and someone holding me togeather that is the difference.

I really can't do it on my own, I want someone to help me through life, help me to care about caring for myself. I know you are supposed to fix yourself first but I can't do it.

If I go and do feel better I feel I don't deserve it because I am not working and I will be punished. If I stay every day feels like punishment for ruining my life. On my own I shower once a week, brushing teeth is worse, cook hamburgers in a dirty pan and will use a dirty plate as long as it isn't too bad. I am gross on my own and often think of putting myself into a group home, but I don't want to lose my independence. I am so dependent but want my independence, I want it all. I am asking for too much help for this pain to go away but it is the only way that works for me. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Thank you if you have read this blubber. It is eating me up inside and writing about it is the only thing I can do.

acemagoo

We will always read. Just realize that.

Its our way. You need to realize that your SSDI, isn't going to be touched
because you can or can't function better this way. its because your doctor
says its needed to live. That you can't hold the job now or in the future.

Please get help.

Donna

Dear Acemagoo,

Are you in a part of the country that has access to good psychiatrists? You can get help. Keep asking for help until you get the care you deserve. You deserve to have psychiatrists and counselors taking very good care of you.

Some of us stopped watching the news channels because we are tired of hearing about possible cuts to disability. Maybe you can watch something else if that is what is exacerbating the anxiety and depression.

Let the tdoc help you talk through your feelings about not working. You have great value whether you work or not.

Mari

Talking about what you are feeling is healing in itself. And you are so right about understanding that your daughter, regardless of her age, does not need for her mother to leave this legacy behind. (lost our only son to suicide 20 some years ago and it changed our family forever...didn't think I could survive losing him...it took me years to accept it.)

Please continue to express yourself here or on the SOS forum (waves gave you the link) You are getting great support here. Lot's of us are sending you positive thoughts...you aren't alone!!

Acemagoo You have value beyond your comprehension. Sometimes we have a shattered view of ourselves when we are going through this type of illness.

I also have chest pains that are caused by anxiety,and panic attacks. Please keep taking your medication. I also have thought that I would do better without medicine,and tried to stop gradually over time. I almost ended up in the hospital. My doctor put me back on a full dose of medicine.

We also have a Survivors of Suicide forum. I almost committed suicide myself when I was going through a low time in my life. I've been through many low times when I thought that I would not make it through another emotional low.

Life is worth living,even though things are not looking good for the future. The bible has helped me. I try to take one step at a time.

I hope that you feel comfort talking to us. BF

I ruined my life and feel now I have to pay.

I totally get where you're coming from, but believe me when I say that what you think you have ruined is not your fault at all!! I felt the same way in January of 2009 and came extremely close to ending my own life. Since then, I have chosen not to "pay" but to pay it forward by bettering others' lives. If you feel that you have ruined your life, use that experience as a tool to educate others so they will not make the same mistakes.

Just know that I care, Ace!!