I am not doing well.
Depressed. I was on such a high for the cruise and coming home to the things that I was behind in. I started drinking heavily again. I was so motivated to not drink was dieting losing weight told I had to quit or my doctor would probably have let me go. scared me straight for 3 months I did not have a drink then december came with holiday parties and christmas vacation and new years then cruise, I have gained back almost all of the weight that I lost. Am going to lie to my doctor about the drinking when I see her in a couple of weeks. As you know the medications I take to stay sane should not be mixed with drinking. I became manic that last time I started drinking so heavily...I am really risking this again, I can feel myself reving up. That was months ago and had bought a new car on a whim.
anyway. I will see my therapist next week, have not seen her in a long time...she is specializes in treating people with alcohol issues. I have gained weight, haven't been tot he gym(that I am paying $60 a month) haven't been in months out of shape lazy depressed. I escaped life for a while on my cruise but the reality came back when I got home. I am behind in work, self employed, behind in charting, billing, hubby just bought a HUGE new keyboard and stand that is in the middle of the living room.Totally upsetting the one room in the house that was neat and orderly for company that we never have. He suggested we put it in the office that would mean taking down my arts and crafts table that I have not used IN a very long time. I told him that seemed like such a failure to me. While at the grocery store I was getting a few things I just started to pick at a pimple right there in the middle of the isle and ripped a hole in my chin, I felt the blood running down my chin and panicked no tissues so I grabbed a roll of paper towels and used them to apply pressure and after a while it quit bleeding. geesh! Having to drive jeff around is starting to get to me.Some days I have to switch cars and my equipment then switch back or just drive his car. I should not complain it could be so much worse, he is so independent. He appreciates my efforts I just am being completely honest with you guys. My house is a mess and I have no motivation to clean it. now there is a huge keyboard and stand and now a Huge heavy amplifier that we just picked up last night I could barely pick it up, had to have our neighbor bring it into the house as the carport was all wet from humidity and jeff was going to try to bring it in himself. Our neighbor had a hard time bringing it in. Jeff did not realize it was so big or heavy when he ordered it. He did not think about where all of this equipment was going to go he just ordered it for his 50th birthday present to himself. I sort of resent that we did not discuss this ahead of time. If it goes in the office my art table comes down and it gets really crowded in there. and I buy myself a lap top because I can't see me being in the same room on this computer if jeff is playing the keyboard. PLUS This keyboard is a distraction...he has hardly been practicing the guitar...his job so he now has this!!!!!!!!!
I have low self esteem issues, self injury, alcohol abuse issues, overeating issues not taking care of myself, neglecting my job duties, out of shape,
I need to get motivated to turn my life around. I feel like I am about to bottom out...and I just started my cycle. Is this enough of a whine....? I have so many things to be grateful for I have no business whining.
anyway
thanks for reading thru this if you made it thru .
I am disappointed in myself.
bizi