[bizi]

I am not doing well.
Depressed. I was on such a high for the cruise and coming home to the things that I was behind in. I started drinking heavily again. I was so motivated to not drink was dieting losing weight told I had to quit or my doctor would probably have let me go. scared me straight for 3 months I did not have a drink then december came with holiday parties and christmas vacation and new years then cruise, I have gained back almost all of the weight that I lost. Am going to lie to my doctor about the drinking when I see her in a couple of weeks. As you know the medications I take to stay sane should not be mixed with drinking. I became manic that last time I started drinking so heavily...I am really risking this again, I can feel myself reving up. That was months ago and had bought a new car on a whim.
anyway. I will see my therapist next week, have not seen her in a long time...she is specializes in treating people with alcohol issues. I have gained weight, haven't been tot he gym(that I am paying $60 a month) haven't been in months out of shape lazy depressed. I escaped life for a while on my cruise but the reality came back when I got home. I am behind in work, self employed, behind in charting, billing, hubby just bought a HUGE new keyboard and stand that is in the middle of the living room.Totally upsetting the one room in the house that was neat and orderly for company that we never have. He suggested we put it in the office that would mean taking down my arts and crafts table that I have not used IN a very long time. I told him that seemed like such a failure to me. While at the grocery store I was getting a few things I just started to pick at a pimple right there in the middle of the isle and ripped a hole in my chin, I felt the blood running down my chin and panicked no tissues so I grabbed a roll of paper towels and used them to apply pressure and after a while it quit bleeding. geesh! Having to drive jeff around is starting to get to me.Some days I have to switch cars and my equipment then switch back or just drive his car. I should not complain it could be so much worse, he is so independent. He appreciates my efforts I just am being completely honest with you guys. My house is a mess and I have no motivation to clean it. now there is a huge keyboard and stand and now a Huge heavy amplifier that we just picked up last night I could barely pick it up, had to have our neighbor bring it into the house as the carport was all wet from humidity and jeff was going to try to bring it in himself. Our neighbor had a hard time bringing it in. Jeff did not realize it was so big or heavy when he ordered it. He did not think about where all of this equipment was going to go he just ordered it for his 50th birthday present to himself. I sort of resent that we did not discuss this ahead of time. If it goes in the office my art table comes down and it gets really crowded in there. and I buy myself a lap top because I can't see me being in the same room on this computer if jeff is playing the keyboard. PLUS This keyboard is a distraction...he has hardly been practicing the guitar...his job so he now has this!!!!!!!!!
I have low self esteem issues, self injury, alcohol abuse issues, overeating issues not taking care of myself, neglecting my job duties, out of shape,
I need to get motivated to turn my life around. I feel like I am about to bottom out...and I just started my cycle. Is this enough of a whine....? I have so many things to be grateful for I have no business whining.
anyway
thanks for reading thru this if you made it thru .
I am disappointed in myself.
bizi

[Pamster]

Oh bizi, thank you for sharing the tough things with us so we can be here to support you. You're so brave. It's going to be okay, you can overcome these things. I totally understand the social pressuring to drink during the holidays and it stinks. All I can say is do your best to reign it in now before you go full on manic. Thinking of you bizi, hoping you feel better soon.

[Lara]

One step/job at a time, bizi. You can do it.
Make a list. That's what I do when I get overwhelmed. Doesn't mean I ever do everything actually ON the list, but it does help me get started and sorted. Feel better fast.

[mg neck prob]

Hi bizi;

Im sorry to hear your feeling so down about the drinking and diet. I think its really great you have this insight about yourself and the honesty. To me its sounds like you know yourself -- and fell down for a bit. ...I wouldnt beat yourself up over it-- we all fall short of goals and what we should or shouldnt do eat and drink etc... I think the key is get yourself back to the goals you set. I hope you can pick yourself up and re-set your new goals again.Again im really an impressed with your honesty and insight that shows your have alot of fortitude. I hope you start feeling better soon!!

[waves]

Dear Bizi,

I am sorry you are going through this tough time.

WRT the depression ... it could just be a reaction period - the contrast between fun good times and break from all duties while on the cruise, and then coming home... and having all the old problems rain on you, plus new ones. it may be though that as the contrast fades, the depression will too. I hope that will be the case Bizi. I just wanted to share with you a hopeful scenario. Because that "reaction/contrast" thing happens to me sometimes.

I like Lara's thought, but... i'd actually suggest making TWO LISTS:

1. Things over which you have little or no control. Eg. Jeff's having bought the new musical equipment, needing to drive him around for a while etc.
   
   fwiw, i am glad you are letting off some of this steam. thank goodness he is appreciative, but all the same, you are carrying a heavy load - it is natural that to feel the load - it affects YOUR routine, YOUR life, YOUR energy, YOUR space, and YOUR time! so, while i know that you do these things by choice because you love Jeff, it is not inappropriate or contradictory to experience negativity. It's only human. Acknowledging the feelings is healthy, and that's why I think getting them in a list would be good. You have no duty to fight these feelings. They are only feelings, and perfectly natural ones. Having them doesn't mean you are bad it just shows you are human. Please try not to judge yourself harshly over this.
   
   
2. Things you can control, i.e. the things you need to do (alone or with Jeff) or want to do. Like Lara, I also believe this might help you feel less overwhelmed.

I hope your therapist will be helpful to you with regard to the drinking. I understand about not telling your pdoc - she is inflexible about it. (It kind of irritates me that she doesn't consider it as part of a health problem but, since you can't change that, and you want to keep her as a pdoc... there aren't too many alternatives.) Glad your tdoc has special training though. I hope she doesn't have expectations regarding telling your pdoc. If you want to talk about this more with someone else besides your tdoc... just to talk, for any reason, please feel free to correspond with me in private.

I hope you feel much better soon Bizi. May I ask when your next appointments are, with tdoc and with pdoc? I wouldn't rule out the possibility of a med tweak.

Hang in there sweetie. Keep posting, and also write me about anything if you want to, ok?

Love you.

~ waves ~

[Mari]

Dear Bizi,

It is o.k. to whine and have so many things to be grateful for.

Than keyboard and stand invading my arts and crafts space would be annoying. I would want it out of the house. I understand.

Perhaps you have to give yourself a break for all the stress you have gone through since he got hurt. When he was sick, you were supportive, but, now that he needs you less, you are feeling comfortable about speaking about your needs. That is healthy.

I think you should be honest with your health care professionals. They need to know what is going on. Find another doctor who can better help you with what you need to do.

Originally Posted by bizi

My house is a mess and I have no motivation to clean it.

Please cut yourself some slack. This is an easy solution. Hire somone to come over to clean it. Or trade services with someone. Do something for them that they need and have them clean.

Originally Posted by bizi

I buy myself a lap top because I can't see me being in the same room on this computer if jeff is playing the keyboard. PLUS This keyboard is a distraction...he has hardly been practicing the guitar...his job so he now has this!!!!!!!!!

Hubby is a pack rat. I have been getting rid of things because I need to feel free. I am am very careful about what I bring into the house. Even if I buy an item of clothing, I throw away another item so that I can have space.
My point is that I have to constantly put my foot down about his stuff. We made clear rules for the household. He tries to step over the boundaries but I remind him. ---- Otherwise we could be on an episode of Hoarders / Clean This House.

Originally Posted by bizi

I have low self esteem issues, self injury, alcohol abuse issues, overeating issues not taking care of myself, neglecting my job duties, out of shape,

Let your husband know that you need his help to work through some of this. Maybe schedule a time for the two of you to talk this weekend. He can help you with these feelings. Bring him in.

Originally Posted by bizi

I need to get motivated to turn my life around.

Reach out to everyone --- friends, Husband, your mental health care professionals, your regular MDs, family, . . .
You are not alone. You have people.

M

[ginnie]

I do know some of what you feel. Life can be awful hard at times, and it is easy to get depressed. I care about you. I wish I had some magic to make things get in order. When I feel overwhelmed, I try to focus on just one thing, instead of the whole bloody mess. That way, the little I do get accomplished, makes me feel better. Just one tiny thing clean, one tiny thing do. You can't get your life organized and running smooth running manic. If one room bothers you, just for that day, try to get it done. I live with a jungle outside my door. If I thought about the whole yard, I make myself sick being overwhelmed. So, today, I did one tiny corner of the yard, and got it mulched and cleaned up. This works for me, and maybe it will help you too, to just focus on one small thing that needs to be taken care of. You are loved here bizi, never forget you are not alone when all these hits happen to you. Deep breath, and lets both of us do one tiny thing more. ginnie

[Dmom3005]

Bizi

What would you like to work on first. We can help you organize your
thoughts if you need.

I know that you worked hard to get the drinking under control. Would
you want to start to work on that again. We can root for you again.

We are always here, just in the net waiting to hear what we can do to
help.

Donna

[bizi]

thank you friends, I am going to go try to get my hubby'a car oil changed.....
bizi

[butterfly11]

Coming home from a great trip would be depressing for anybody, bipolar diagnosis or not.

If you quit drinking once you can do it again. You are under a lot of stress right now having to take care of Jeff. And let me just say if my husband set up a keyboard and amp in our living room I would be having major issues with that. That sounds incredibly frustrating.

One thing at a time... one thing at a time...