I am starting a new thread to discuss alcohol issues. I can't easily find my last thread about my history so thought I would start a new one, open to all for use of course.

Last year I broke down and sobbed to my pdoc about how much weight I had gained because of all of the drinking that I had been doing. She was horrified and told me to join AA and get a sponsor. She did not quite threaten me with discontinuing her care but I felt that she did.
This was the last time that I got manic and bought that car on a whim and then pleaded with them the next day to take it back...which they did fortunately. That was the only thing that triggered my mania was the drinking. It scared me straight. I threw out a 1.75 liter of gin and drank 8 beers and then did not drink for 3 months when I saw her again. I was very proud of myself and had lost weight like 12 pounds not really trying really.
I started seeing a new therapist who is a recovering alcoholic of 20 years and someone who has an eating disorder, and I like her.
I saw her a few times and then missed an appointment and did not make another appointment, I told her that I would call her after the holidays.
WEll indeed did I start drinking again and in great quantities. I was drinking daily.....not during the day only at night after work. Fast forward past jeffs injury past the cruise to about 2 weeks ago. I called up my tdoc(I had not seen her in months) and saw her the week before I was to see my pdoc. I told her I did not know what I was going to say to her. The last tuesday before seeing my pdoc I felt so guilty about all of the drinking I went to an AA meeting and listened and they made me talk...I told the that I did not think that i was an alcoholic that I had issues though. They were very nice and wanted to offer help. They gave me the big book for AA's and I got out of there as fast as I could. I did not realize how religious it was.
This was last week. I did not drink the night before seeing my pdoc. So I could honestly say that I had not been drinking daily. So when I went to see her last thursday I was trying to act all happy and in a good way, I lied a lot to her. I told her that I had started a new diet and lost a couple of pounds. She specifically asked about my drinking. I told her that I drank over the holidays and the cruise, she said how much. I said 2 which is not the truth at all. I manipulated the conversation as much as I could...convincing her that I had stopped again.
I had not stopped at all.
The beers that I drink are blueberry, sounds harmless. In fact they are potent. 8% alcohol in one beer so having a beer is like having 2.
I was starting to guzzle my beers quickly. I would have 2-3 every night equals 4-6 beers every night.. My tolerance was way high.
Sunday we went to brunch and I had 2 bloody mary's there it was st pattys day. I drank a couple of beers that evening then at 9 said I wanted to go out so we went out and had an irish car bomb which is half a guiness beer and a shot of whiskey with kahlua that you drop into the glass and then drink it all down.. It was very good! I then proceed to have 3 more bloody marys they were on sale. and then another bomber before we went home. Jeff did not have as much to drink as I did. I drank a half gallon of water before going to bed. That was a lot to drink!
Yesterday jeff had a rehearsal so we did dinner separately. I worked late and at 7:30 I ended up going to the pub down the street from our house.
I drank 4 gin martinis(like 8 shots) and a light beer, it was a 2 for 1 happy hour...I drank all of that in a short amount of time.
I ate a chef salad and at the last minute ordered a basket of fries, which were delicious! I came home and drank another half gallon of water.
I woke up fine today.
Tonight I talked myself into not buying any more beer...I went back to the AA meeting place and gave them back their book.
I drank 2 non alcoholic beers tonight....Will see if I can not drink. Today is almost done so that is one day. I have done this before I can do it again.
I need to lose all of this weight that I regained and then some.
I can't seem to drink in moderation like other people.
This writing sounds pretty hypo to me and probably to you too.
I see my tdoc in 2 days.
Thank you for your support.
bizi

Dear Bizi,

Lots and lots of hugs.
Give yourself some hugs. You are a good person and you have love in your live.

I am glad you feel comfortable talking to us.
I wish that you were more comfortable talking to your people in real life.

Your tdoc can help you. Schedule more frequent appointments with her.

Try a different AA group that is less religious. There are meetings all over town and you can find one that works for you --- just like finding our pdocs, you need the right fit.

Does going to the gym help you? Some people drink less when they work out. . . . . just asking.

Mari

I understand. I could not drink in moderation. I use to drink every night. I was always plastered at parties,because I drank more then other people.

I was looking for relief. I found some relief when I started drinking. After ten years it turned into a roller coaster ride. I began having alcohol related problems.

I had a high tolerance to alcohol,and probably drank more than anyone on the forum. Alcoholism almost killed my dad. The TRAIT IS DEFINITELY INHERITED!!! Both sides of my family have it.

I haven't drank any alcoholic beverages in over twenty years. Situations happened where I really had to stop. It was also going to my liver. BF

Dear Bizi,

Right now I am drinking too - but not as much, and not daily.

However I have been where you describe with alcohol.

I can do alcohol in moderation, but I have to be vigilant. If I see even the tendency or desire to drink more than what is moderate, I must step back immediately. If I end up being immoderate - drinking daily, then I have to observe a period of abstinence. That is how I manage moderation. But that is me.

For me, it means being watchful of2 things:

-- how much/often I drink
and
-- why I am drinking

Often the two are related, but I have to be honest with myself. If I'm having a nice dinner and I want some wine to complement the meal, generally a glass will do. I sip it. Sometimes I'll have another half glass but that's about it. If it's cocktails, drinking in front of the tv, having beer at the bar that's recreational - and it's very easy for that to get out of hand (more than one beer).

I've noticed one crosses boundaries with abuse (any substance applies)... you've crossed some of these, not others but each boundary cross paves the road to the next... i saw them only in retrospect... and when i took a test, some were slapped in my face... here are those i can think of off-hand:

-- subtle hiding behavior (in your case, with Jeff)
-- overt lying to avoid judgement (pdoc)
-- worrying about one's drinking patterns
-- feeling guilt or remorse after a drinking
-- having the sensation one is overdrinking yet feeling unable to stop (as if dragged by a strong current)
-- drinking to self-medicate (social anxiety, agitation, mania)
-- drinking as an escape (worries, depression)
-- drinking alone
-- craving at a certain hour of the day
-- neglecting self-care or family care in times of drinking
-- drinking earlier and earlier (before 6, then 5, then 3, then at lunch.. etc)
-- driving (or engaging in similarly inappropriate activities) under the influence
-- trouble sleeping due to drinking
-- physical problems (eg reflux, indigestion, diahrrea) due to drinking
-- passing out from drinking
-- next day tremor
-- socializing with people one would not normally socialize with while drinking
-- memory black-outs (amnesia)
-- going to work under the influence/intoxicated
-- feeling "ok" ONLY when inebriated or intoxicated
-- drinking 24/7 (basically first thing in the morning)
-- drinking in place of eating ("drinking one's dinner" (or lunch))

'Don't know if that helps. I hope maybe it can be useful for self-observance - as a periodic checklist. You can adapt it to your own needs.

I wish you well in this endeavor, Bizi. You are taking steps in the right direction. We will cheer you on. Take heart and keep on. You will get there.

((( HUGS )))

Dear Bizi

An AA person I met on the forums (not here) once told me that the "higher power" in AA need not be a deity. She said it could be anything one chose - her example was, literally, "a doorknob." Well, I confess I could not imagine putting myself in the hands of "a doorknob," so that did not illustrate her point very well to me. I know what you mean about the program being very religious.

However, I do believe the general concepts of AA's and similar 12-sstep programs could be adapted to your own belief system. The role of the "higher power" in AA is to help a person come to the realization they DO NOT control everything, and CANNOT EXPECT to control everything. Example: can you control the rain? No. If you are a diabetic, can you control your sugar level with your mind? ... Maybe if you're a Tibetan Monk, but otherwise, good luck! If you are an alcoholic, by genetics, culture or both, it's bigger than your willpower. All they are trying to say is look, willpower alone is not going to cut it. Willpower has its place and by all means use it all you can, but don't beat yourself up for something that is bigger than your willpower.

However, I do agree it is hard for an atheist or agnostic person (or even perhaps a person not of JudeoChristian beliefs) to relate when the 12 steps are explicitly written in terms of "God."

Another thing, I must say, I am quite dismayed that they pushed you into talking your first time there. I thought it was ok to just go and listen and could talk when ready. Inviting someone to talk is one thing but they should take no for an answer! That seems so awkward! If that happened to me, I would never want to go back!!! I am thinking you could find another support group perhaps that has a different dynamic. Maybe your T knows of one that you could relate to better.

FWIW, that forum person I mentioned before offered to mail me "the big book" - insisted a few times - and I persistently declined. Her final words to me were - get this - that I'm "the type of person who would bite off the hand that would feed me." Oh my! How supportive. But, I digress (just sharing my own very limited, but alas unpleasant encounter with AA).

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

i hate to write this but it sounds like you are acting out. are you angry at something in your life. you have been able to give up drinking before quite easily so it is hard for me to think of you as an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic most of his life and he couldn't do that. I know you have a hard time asserting yourself and i think you have often written that you have social anxiety.
We love you
bobby

Thank you Bizi

When I was real bad with alcohol there were times even a day was too long.
Those times, I'd bargain with myself to postpone a drink for 15 mins!

I do believe in setting goals in accordance with where I am at.
It feels good to be able to express them, if that is ok?
See, I haven't been drinking every day - not even close.
Current problem has been occasional overdoing and for the wrong reason - "using".

For where I am at now, I won't have any problem abstaining for one week.
I am only a bit disgruntled about the timing which coincides with my periodic "safe window" for "acceptable" drinking.

So is that ok for me to say.... that I'm not going to drink for a week?
I will still check in daily.

Hope you have a great day Bizi!

~ waves ~

Waves,

It is definitely o.k. for you to say that.
The plan you have set for yourself is good.
We follow our own stars.

Mari