[waves]

Dear Mari

Originally Posted by Mari

I am so stressed out.

The meetings are hard for me because I have to work very hard to act normal. Under difficult circumstances, normal is hard to fake.
I am so frightened that I will do or say the wrong thing and yet I am expected to participate.

I understand the fear. It adds to your stress level, too unfortunately.

Here's my take (short version):
-- your perspective on your own actions will be much more critical than that of others. not to mention fear tends to skew our perspective in a negative way.
-- even if you do screw up by others' definition, it will not seriously undermine their opinion of you.

Longer version:
Let's say you don't manage to come off all the way "normal" - by your definition, or say or do something wrong - or even blow gaskets. You know what is behind it, and you feel yourself falling apart, but others will just see you having a bad day. They may wonder if it's PMS (lol) or deduce you are stressed out (true). Regardless what they deduce or assume, I don't believe it will affect their overall perception of your competence. You have good history behind you. You won't destroy that by acting "off" now and then. Even if it's very off.

See, I was pretty freaky deaky at the last permanent job I had, as well as another in my past. In both cases there were times when I was quite "off" when i was having episodes. In the earlier job, although pre-dx, I knew something was off because I felt like I couldn't "read people" like I normally could. Retrospectively I was out there. For starters I was paranoid: certain of being followed around and of being spied in my house via microcameras etc. That's in general. At work, I felt completely incompetent and was terrified of doing something wrong or just coming off badly. In both workplaces, I often felt I was just a hair away from being fired. Yet, in both cases, despite concrete behavioral shortcomings and errors indeed made, my value as perceived by others was not undermined. I am quite sure of this because in both cases, when I quit, decisive efforts were made to retain me.

I am sharing this experience because I too was extremely, extremely fearful when I felt myself "off". I suspect your situation is similar to those I described because you are a well established and valuable staff member at your place of work.

On the one hand, there are your feelings, fears and perceptions on your actions. On the other, there is what others make of stuff that goes down. I am sure the two are quite distinct.

"I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning." - from a poem by Stevie Smith

the thing is Mari, only we feel the undertow, and the abject fear of going under. Others watch from the shore, see us thrash about ... but do not know about that undertow... they think we are waving.

waves