[waves]

good job talking to your boss, Mari. i hope that irons things out for a while, in terms of preventing unreasonable requests of you.

I hope you are able to catch some rest in too, between work. Sometimes I am too strung out or too exhausted to be able to react fully to something emotionally taxing... it takes me time to process and the reaction sort of evolves and bubbles up. i am sending you some hugs.

Speaking of bubbles thanks for telling me about the chewiness of the bubbles - that sure is interesting. i once had a Vietnamese drink made with beans in the bottom -yes beans. hehe. it was too long ago to remember the other flavors, but i agree, it is weird to chew one's drink.

waves

[Mari]

Hi,

Last time I only had my MD do paper work.
This time, HR wants an additional form to process in order to request leave: "Family and Medical Leave Act Request Form."

My boss then has to sign it / approve.

This process is somewhat stressful.
I suppose I have to
~call HR later today,
~email the boss today,
~find her Tuesday/ tomorrow to sign the form, and
~return the form to HR.

Mari

[bizi]

good luck with all of that, it does sound a bit stressful.
bizi

[Mari]

I am so stressed out.


The meetings are hard for me because I have to work very hard to act normal. Under difficult circumstances, normal is hard to fake.
I am so frightened that I will do or say the wrong thing and yet I am expected to participate.

Mari

[bizi]

I am sorry it is so hard for you
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[waves]

Dear Mari

Originally Posted by Mari

I am so stressed out.

The meetings are hard for me because I have to work very hard to act normal. Under difficult circumstances, normal is hard to fake.
I am so frightened that I will do or say the wrong thing and yet I am expected to participate.

I understand the fear. It adds to your stress level, too unfortunately.

Here's my take (short version):
-- your perspective on your own actions will be much more critical than that of others. not to mention fear tends to skew our perspective in a negative way.
-- even if you do screw up by others' definition, it will not seriously undermine their opinion of you.

Longer version:
Let's say you don't manage to come off all the way "normal" - by your definition, or say or do something wrong - or even blow gaskets. You know what is behind it, and you feel yourself falling apart, but others will just see you having a bad day. They may wonder if it's PMS (lol) or deduce you are stressed out (true). Regardless what they deduce or assume, I don't believe it will affect their overall perception of your competence. You have good history behind you. You won't destroy that by acting "off" now and then. Even if it's very off.

See, I was pretty freaky deaky at the last permanent job I had, as well as another in my past. In both cases there were times when I was quite "off" when i was having episodes. In the earlier job, although pre-dx, I knew something was off because I felt like I couldn't "read people" like I normally could. Retrospectively I was out there. For starters I was paranoid: certain of being followed around and of being spied in my house via microcameras etc. That's in general. At work, I felt completely incompetent and was terrified of doing something wrong or just coming off badly. In both workplaces, I often felt I was just a hair away from being fired. Yet, in both cases, despite concrete behavioral shortcomings and errors indeed made, my value as perceived by others was not undermined. I am quite sure of this because in both cases, when I quit, decisive efforts were made to retain me.

I am sharing this experience because I too was extremely, extremely fearful when I felt myself "off". I suspect your situation is similar to those I described because you are a well established and valuable staff member at your place of work.

On the one hand, there are your feelings, fears and perceptions on your actions. On the other, there is what others make of stuff that goes down. I am sure the two are quite distinct.

"I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning." - from a poem by Stevie Smith

the thing is Mari, only we feel the undertow, and the abject fear of going under. Others watch from the shore, see us thrash about ... but do not know about that undertow... they think we are waving.

waves

[Mari]

Originally Posted by waves

Dear Mari
I understand the fear. It adds to your stress level, too unfortunately.

Here's my take (short version):
-- your perspective on your own actions will be much more critical than that of others. not to mention fear tends to skew our perspective in a negative way.
-- even if you do screw up by others' definition, it will not seriously undermine their opinion of you.

Waves,

You are right.
When I am in a wild mood, though, I am a little bit cranky and more willing to to go beyond the bounds of politeness than other people are.

I interrupt much more than others do-- some folks want to talk in paragraphs and I am comfortable making a short remark in the middle of one of their paragraph in agreement or as an aside
I talk louder than others.
I point out the obvious.
I bring up something that has been festering for years and that everyone is ignoring for the moment.
I can get very close to cursing when everyone else is super polite.
I fidget or worse I wave my arms and get quite animated.
Depending on the group, I can get bossy and for example remind everyone to stay on task.
Or I get everyone way off task in order to keep myself looking mostly within normal range.
I walk in and out pretending to go to the rest room or check my phone multiple times. . . . .

Most of the time, I survive a meeting by saying as little as possible, . . .
I try to be a few minutes early, sit near the door, and leave whenever I want to (i.e. half way through the b.s. . . .. )

The fear of going outside the boundaries too much and too consistently is a fear.

[Mari]

I am freaked out about having to deal with paper work, two meetings, and some other things Tuesday.
The first meeting is total 1000% bs but the one that matters to the boss. The second one is substantial EXCEPT that
~Monday night we had to turn in data and
~Tuesday afternoon we are expected to have collected said data, analyzed the data, and made decisions about the future based on our analysis.
(Not possible in any remotely real world.)



Tonight instead of going to bed, I
~defragged and anti-virused my lap top so it is ready for the first meeting,
~did my nails,
~cleaned my purse,
~ran the dishwasher with eight dishes,
~pre-prepared my breakfast for the blender, and
~watched 45 mins of tv.


My alarm has been set for 8:30.
I am not going to make it through the day.

At some point I will mention that I have a huge headache and have to go home.

OR I might freak out in front of everyone and carry on about the absurdity of trying to be o.k. on three or three and a half hours of sleep.

M

[Mari]

Waves,

See, I was pretty freaky deaky at the last permanent job I had, as well as another in my past. In both cases there were times when I was quite "off" when i was having episodes. In the earlier job, although pre-dx, I knew something was off because I felt like I couldn't "read people" like I normally could. Retrospectively I was out there. For starters I was paranoid: certain of being followed around and of being spied in my house via microcameras etc. That's in general. At work, I felt completely incompetent and was terrified of doing something wrong or just coming off badly. In both workplaces, I often felt I was just a hair away from being fired. Yet, in both cases, despite concrete behavioral shortcomings and errors indeed made, my value as perceived by others was not undermined. I am quite sure of this because in both cases, when I quit, decisive efforts were made to retain me.

You went through a lot to keep those jobs. Your work was good but you were hyper aware of how you were perceived -- that vigilance essentially was a second job on top of the job you were already doing.

A few months ago, one of my friends was running a meeting with me sitting next to him. He was distressed and really upset by the end of the meeting )(He is usually very calm.) He was troubled afterwards and told me how much chaos/ tension/ interupting, off task talk had been going on(can''t remember what term he used). I was causing most of the problem but he did not see it that way because we are friends.
I did decide to miss the next too meetings so he would not have a chance to figure out that I was a problem.

I am carrying on too much.
Wil stop for now.

M

[Mari]

I ignored the alarm clocks and slept 45 mins later than I had planned.
That throws out my early morning plans.