[bizi]

I am starting a new thread to discuss alcohol issues. I can't easily find my last thread about my history so thought I would start a new one, open to all for use of course.

Last year I broke down and sobbed to my pdoc about how much weight I had gained because of all of the drinking that I had been doing. She was horrified and told me to join AA and get a sponsor. She did not quite threaten me with discontinuing her care but I felt that she did.
This was the last time that I got manic and bought that car on a whim and then pleaded with them the next day to take it back...which they did fortunately. That was the only thing that triggered my mania was the drinking. It scared me straight. I threw out a 1.75 liter of gin and drank 8 beers and then did not drink for 3 months when I saw her again. I was very proud of myself and had lost weight like 12 pounds not really trying really.
I started seeing a new therapist who is a recovering alcoholic of 20 years and someone who has an eating disorder, and I like her.
I saw her a few times and then missed an appointment and did not make another appointment, I told her that I would call her after the holidays.
WEll indeed did I start drinking again and in great quantities. I was drinking daily.....not during the day only at night after work. Fast forward past jeffs injury past the cruise to about 2 weeks ago. I called up my tdoc(I had not seen her in months) and saw her the week before I was to see my pdoc. I told her I did not know what I was going to say to her. The last tuesday before seeing my pdoc I felt so guilty about all of the drinking I went to an AA meeting and listened and they made me talk...I told the that I did not think that i was an alcoholic that I had issues though. They were very nice and wanted to offer help. They gave me the big book for AA's and I got out of there as fast as I could. I did not realize how religious it was.
This was last week. I did not drink the night before seeing my pdoc. So I could honestly say that I had not been drinking daily. So when I went to see her last thursday I was trying to act all happy and in a good way, I lied a lot to her. I told her that I had started a new diet and lost a couple of pounds. She specifically asked about my drinking. I told her that I drank over the holidays and the cruise, she said how much. I said 2 which is not the truth at all. I manipulated the conversation as much as I could...convincing her that I had stopped again.
I had not stopped at all.
The beers that I drink are blueberry, sounds harmless. In fact they are potent. 8% alcohol in one beer so having a beer is like having 2.
I was starting to guzzle my beers quickly. I would have 2-3 every night equals 4-6 beers every night.. My tolerance was way high.
Sunday we went to brunch and I had 2 bloody mary's there it was st pattys day. I drank a couple of beers that evening then at 9 said I wanted to go out so we went out and had an irish car bomb which is half a guiness beer and a shot of whiskey with kahlua that you drop into the glass and then drink it all down.. It was very good! I then proceed to have 3 more bloody marys they were on sale. and then another bomber before we went home. Jeff did not have as much to drink as I did. I drank a half gallon of water before going to bed. That was a lot to drink!
Yesterday jeff had a rehearsal so we did dinner separately. I worked late and at 7:30 I ended up going to the pub down the street from our house.
I drank 4 gin martinis(like 8 shots) and a light beer, it was a 2 for 1 happy hour...I drank all of that in a short amount of time.
I ate a chef salad and at the last minute ordered a basket of fries, which were delicious! I came home and drank another half gallon of water.
I woke up fine today.
Tonight I talked myself into not buying any more beer...I went back to the AA meeting place and gave them back their book.
I drank 2 non alcoholic beers tonight....Will see if I can not drink. Today is almost done so that is one day. I have done this before I can do it again.
I need to lose all of this weight that I regained and then some.
I can't seem to drink in moderation like other people.
This writing sounds pretty hypo to me and probably to you too.
I see my tdoc in 2 days.
Thank you for your support.
bizi

[Mari]

Dear Bizi,

Lots and lots of hugs.
Give yourself some hugs. You are a good person and you have love in your live.

I am glad you feel comfortable talking to us.
I wish that you were more comfortable talking to your people in real life.

Your tdoc can help you. Schedule more frequent appointments with her.

Try a different AA group that is less religious. There are meetings all over town and you can find one that works for you --- just like finding our pdocs, you need the right fit.

I have done this before I can do it again.
I need to lose all of this weight that I regained and then some.
I can't seem to drink in moderation like other people.
This writing sounds pretty hypo to me and probably to you too.
I see my tdoc in 2 days.

Does going to the gym help you? Some people drink less when they work out. . . . . just asking.

Mari

[Brokenfriend]

I understand. I could not drink in moderation. I use to drink every night. I was always plastered at parties,because I drank more then other people.

I was looking for relief. I found some relief when I started drinking. After ten years it turned into a roller coaster ride. I began having alcohol related problems.

I had a high tolerance to alcohol,and probably drank more than anyone on the forum. Alcoholism almost killed my dad. The TRAIT IS DEFINITELY INHERITED!!! Both sides of my family have it.

I haven't drank any alcoholic beverages in over twenty years. Situations happened where I really had to stop. It was also going to my liver. BF

[waves]

Dear Bizi,

Right now I am drinking too - but not as much, and not daily.

However I have been where you describe with alcohol.

I can do alcohol in moderation, but I have to be vigilant. If I see even the tendency or desire to drink more than what is moderate, I must step back immediately. If I end up being immoderate - drinking daily, then I have to observe a period of abstinence. That is how I manage moderation. But that is me.

For me, it means being watchful of2 things:

-- how much/often I drink
and
-- why I am drinking

Often the two are related, but I have to be honest with myself. If I'm having a nice dinner and I want some wine to complement the meal, generally a glass will do. I sip it. Sometimes I'll have another half glass but that's about it. If it's cocktails, drinking in front of the tv, having beer at the bar that's recreational - and it's very easy for that to get out of hand (more than one beer).

I've noticed one crosses boundaries with abuse (any substance applies)... you've crossed some of these, not others but each boundary cross paves the road to the next... i saw them only in retrospect... and when i took a test, some were slapped in my face... here are those i can think of off-hand:

-- subtle hiding behavior (in your case, with Jeff)
-- overt lying to avoid judgement (pdoc)
-- worrying about one's drinking patterns
-- feeling guilt or remorse after a drinking
-- having the sensation one is overdrinking yet feeling unable to stop (as if dragged by a strong current)
-- drinking to self-medicate (social anxiety, agitation, mania)
-- drinking as an escape (worries, depression)
-- drinking alone
-- craving at a certain hour of the day
-- neglecting self-care or family care in times of drinking
-- drinking earlier and earlier (before 6, then 5, then 3, then at lunch.. etc)
-- driving (or engaging in similarly inappropriate activities) under the influence
-- trouble sleeping due to drinking
-- physical problems (eg reflux, indigestion, diahrrea) due to drinking
-- passing out from drinking
-- next day tremor
-- socializing with people one would not normally socialize with while drinking
-- memory black-outs (amnesia)
-- going to work under the influence/intoxicated
-- feeling "ok" ONLY when inebriated or intoxicated
-- drinking 24/7 (basically first thing in the morning)
-- drinking in place of eating ("drinking one's dinner" (or lunch))

'Don't know if that helps. I hope maybe it can be useful for self-observance - as a periodic checklist. You can adapt it to your own needs.

I wish you well in this endeavor, Bizi. You are taking steps in the right direction. We will cheer you on. Take heart and keep on. You will get there.

((( HUGS )))

[waves]

Dear Bizi

An AA person I met on the forums (not here) once told me that the "higher power" in AA need not be a deity. She said it could be anything one chose - her example was, literally, "a doorknob." Well, I confess I could not imagine putting myself in the hands of "a doorknob," so that did not illustrate her point very well to me. I know what you mean about the program being very religious.

However, I do believe the general concepts of AA's and similar 12-sstep programs could be adapted to your own belief system. The role of the "higher power" in AA is to help a person come to the realization they DO NOT control everything, and CANNOT EXPECT to control everything. Example: can you control the rain? No. If you are a diabetic, can you control your sugar level with your mind? ... Maybe if you're a Tibetan Monk, but otherwise, good luck! If you are an alcoholic, by genetics, culture or both, it's bigger than your willpower. All they are trying to say is look, willpower alone is not going to cut it. Willpower has its place and by all means use it all you can, but don't beat yourself up for something that is bigger than your willpower.

However, I do agree it is hard for an atheist or agnostic person (or even perhaps a person not of JudeoChristian beliefs) to relate when the 12 steps are explicitly written in terms of "God."

Another thing, I must say, I am quite dismayed that they pushed you into talking your first time there. I thought it was ok to just go and listen and could talk when ready. Inviting someone to talk is one thing but they should take no for an answer! That seems so awkward! If that happened to me, I would never want to go back!!! I am thinking you could find another support group perhaps that has a different dynamic. Maybe your T knows of one that you could relate to better.

FWIW, that forum person I mentioned before offered to mail me "the big book" - insisted a few times - and I persistently declined. Her final words to me were - get this - that I'm "the type of person who would bite off the hand that would feed me." Oh my! How supportive. But, I digress (just sharing my own very limited, but alas unpleasant encounter with AA).

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

[mymorgy]

i hate to write this but it sounds like you are acting out. are you angry at something in your life. you have been able to give up drinking before quite easily so it is hard for me to think of you as an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic most of his life and he couldn't do that. I know you have a hard time asserting yourself and i think you have often written that you have social anxiety.
We love you
bobby

[waves]

Originally Posted by mymorgy

i hate to write this but it sounds like you are acting out. are you angry at something in your life.

since Bobby hates writing that can I go out further on the limb she sprouted and suggest what if there is suppressed anger(resentment) at having to take on so much with Jeff's injury? Values and social expectations would never allow you to express that anger outwardly - maybe something you could hammer out with your therapist... i recall only once did you express resentment - after the cruise when it all hit you "again" after a period of relief from the burdens

not blaming or judging (quite the contrary i could totally relate)

it would seem normal to me... maybe i have said that before.

Still i think alcohol is a weakness for you Bizi but one that emerges when you have other stressors.

also may I say: i don't get manic because i drink: i drink when I am manic. but i also drink for other reasons. not saying it's the same for you. but i am questioning it. because you dont' sound manic - you just sound really preoccupied about the drinking - and that is a good thing as long as it motivates you and does not perpetuate the problem.

~ waves ~ who has been talking too much on this topic i should shut up i s'pose.

[bizi]

Thank you for your support and observations all of you.
I have to go to work but wanted to type just a bit this morning in response.
I started drinking again right after my visit with my pdoc right after thanksgiving. I had given myself permission to drink again because I was going to be moderate. Well that worked for a while then I was drinking every night. then I started hiding my drinking guzzling a beer as soon as I got home from work, looking forward to that all afternoon. Many times I would have 2 big beers before suppertime, then drink some more after dinner.
there was a black out period the first night of the cruise, I don't recall the later part of the evening. This past weekend was full of drinking. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy drinking and have fun doing so. It is very much a cultural thing down here. Drinking is a way of life for a lot of people. WE have drive thru dacquire huts here, you can get any type of drink that you want ...to go!
I have not been going to the gym and feel very guilty about that. I have gained all of this weight, feel frustrated about this. Jeff is very independent and is driving again, I can't use that as an excuse. I had been chewing on my hang nails again and now have been chewing on the inside of my cheeks.(self punishment) My poor fingers have healed and I am trying to keep them away from my mouth.
I don't have any hobbies.
I want to start a diet again and I want to go to the gym.
Drinking does not fit into that at all for me now.
I am going to take it one day at a time.
again, thank you for your support.
bizi

[waves]

Dearest Bizi

Originally Posted by bizi

I want to start a diet again and I want to go to the gym.
Drinking does not fit into that at all for me now.
I am going to take it one day at a time.
again, thank you for your support.
bizi

I hear you taking stock, learning from past experience, and setting reasonable goals.

You know what you want.
You know what you don't want.
You can be gentle with yourself.
WE are here to support you.

GO GIRL!

Sending you lots and lots of postive vibes, with much love

~ waves ~

[Brain patch]

Dear Bizi,
I am so sorry that you are struggling with this issue. I myself come from a long line of alcoholics addicts. The thing that worries me the most that you said is that you are guzzling down the booze. Which means you need quick relief from something. I tried to self medicate with alcohol, my stomach would not tolerate it or I would definately be an alcoholic. As you know I have chronic pain that I am learning to "manage". I think this is the key word. If you cannot manage the situation yourself you need to have others (husband) help you. I overdosed on my pain medication and suffered liver and kidney failure. I tell you that you want to avoid this at any cost. It is incredible how much pain and problems I suffer with daily from that. I can barely eat and digest any food. You need your liver. And the weight gain is from your body filling up with fluid. It gets very painful. I do not want to see you suffer this fate. I know what you mean about the AA meetings. I went to a few before being told by them that I was not welcome because I still have to take some pain medication to manage my pain and this made it hard for them to be around me. I also thought they were very self righteous in the way that they would love to reminisce about their drinking and then brag about how sober they were and then they would still continue drinking and just pretend they didn't. I did not like the religious part either. However, I have been forced through pain and suffering to find a higher power. I found this power was within myself. I just want you to know that I am hear to listen and offer comfort to you without any judgement. We all have our problems. Some just wont or can't acknowledge them.
With love,
Brain