Possible trigger
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I am sitting here feeling really depressed because I wanted to set up going to a concert this summer with a friend and she said she won't be able to go and now my significant other is saying he doesn't want me to go because it's dangerous and 'you're not a young woman anymore Pam' and I just can't stop the tears.

I hate that he feels this way because I really want to go and it's like a total killjoy to say something like that to me. I think I would be okay, I am not a stupid idiot incapable of taking care of myself or something. I really want to go. He'd said he'd watch our son and let me go when I originally talked about it and now he's back to his thing of 'you're not a kid anymore' trip.

Tell me I should just get over it and I'll try. But right now I am sitting here crying quietly feeling like a total loser because I wanted to go see Leppard this summer and am almost 40. It hurts so much to think that another tour is going by that I won't get to enjoy their performance. It's an outdoor show and I would so love to go.

Another thing I am upset over is that he is insisting on moving everything BY HIMSELF and he won't let anyone help. Not mother, not his father NO ONE. He thinks it's going to be hard but it's going to be really hard, and I know he's going to hurt like hell during the move, but he's so stubborn he won't let anyone help.

I just needed to vent, I've stopped crying at least, mostly because I want to be able to use my CPAP tonight and if I sit here crying much longer my nose will not cooperate with the mask and I will sleep terribly tonight. The fact I took 1/2 a avitan might have helped too.

Pam,

It is so hard to live with a better half at times. I wish I could give you some advice but I think in the end you will know what you should do.

befuddled2

Yeah I should just toughen up and get over it. I know, it's just what he said hurts and I don't agree with him. I think I'd be fine, and heck I might even swing meeting the band again who knows? But that's opportunity is gone with the wind. At least I'm not crying anymore.

Hi,
Who does he thinks goes to Def concerts? Well, people your age and with your attitude for one. You are the perfect audience. And IMO you need to update the picture you have with them

I don't understand about hubbies who think that they can move all by themselves. My hubby was impossible when we moved three miles in Oct and kept interfering with my plans. He thought that I didn't trust him or believe in him enough to let him and his buddy do all the moving by themselves. He took it personally.
Also, he was remembering when he used to move when he was single and much much younger and didn't have as much stuff.

He was impossible. I don't know what to do the next time we have to move. I sort of hope that we never move again, because the truth is that the stress of the move was everything I feared it would be -- and he caused most of it. After the move wasn't so great either.

'Hard to believe that I grew up in a miilitary family where we moved every year or so when I was a kid.

Pam, feel better today. Please. And sleep well tonight.

M.

I just wanna curl up and NOT face anybody. We just had a BIG fight about this and he guilt tripped me BIG time. He won't understand and just walked off calling ME an abuser after he laid guilt trip after guilt trip on me. I hate my stupid life. I don't wanna say how LOW I feel right now. I just wish sometimes I wouldn't wake up and have this garbage going on but that is just the way it's set up. I am set up to fail at everything. GOD I hate my life...

He said that "It says a lot about you that you would want to go to a concert and leave youe son like that" and "You have a responsibility to your son, you can't just walk away from that, you're not a 25 yr old kid anymore." I just wish he'd at least listen when I tell him "Nothing is wrong" because I want to avoid a stupid argument. Now he's said "I'll remember this as you being mean and ugly forever. You're just like my mother, she abused me and you are abusing me too."

I wish sometimes I hadn't lived through that damn accident. It's just too much to live from a chair sometimes and my heart breaks when he treats me like this. I didn't abuse him, I yelled and told him to STOP throwing guilt trips on me and "how much more is coming huh?" and that was when he said I was like his mother...It's too depressing to even think about what it's going to be like after we moved. He will guilt trip me for weeks I bet about how I couldn't help with the move at all. I wonder where the guy I fell in love with 20 years ago went to? He's gone, long gone.

He's said that if I ever made a lot of money say with my writing, that I would get rid of him and find a boy toy...Maybe he's right...Maybe that is just what will happen, because I sure do NOT see how I could have abused him and talking like that when I am emotional is not fair to judge me on. He's such a freaking pessimist, I give up...There is no fun in life for me anymore. It's all just work, work, work, sleep only to wake up and repeat the day before. I feel totally wretched.

I am so sorry this is happening to you
hugs
bobby

Thanks Bobby, I really appreciate the hug. I don't have anywhere else I can turn for this kind of support and am so grateful the forum has such understanding and wonderful people in it like you, Mari and Beffuddled2 and so many others who genuinely care about each other. It is enough that I will hold on and just get through this somehow as difficult as it is it will pass with a few days time I'm sure.

oh Pamster...
I feel so badly for you.
This is terrible how he has treated you.
I wonder if it was his way of controlling you?
This doesn't sound fair at all....and definately not fair fighting.
He sounds very hurtful...has he always been like this?
You would be going with a friend right?
Not just by yourself....
Maybe he would be jealous that he could not go with you...
I don't know....
I am sorry that you are hurting.....
((((HUGS))))
bizi

He doesn't like Def Leppard because I "Over played it and ruined them for me" he says. And yes, he's always been like that, guilt tripping and hurtful whenever we butt heads. It's not like it happens too often, but it happens often enough I know that it's because he is feeling low about himself that he's displacing it onto me. It's not really that he is mad at me, more like he's mad at himself and feels like he's not living up to his potential (which he isn't but that's another story) and so naturally neither am I in his eyes.

It's because of the accident we were in where I nearly died that his pessimism really took root. He is afraid of something bad happening to me or Jackie and he is hard because he thinks its the only way to be alert and aware to spot trouble. In some ways I understand it, but I sure as heck do NOT agree with it. I told him he sees the world through Poop colored glasses, (though I used the S word) and that he's overly pessimistic and there's no reason for it.

Of course he didn't agree and asked me to explain but I can't other then to say that I feel he's looking at a half empty glass when I usually try to see it as half full. And yes, I wouldn't have gone alone, it isn't fair but I won't even bring it up again because his telling me he'd watch Jackie was a bold faced lie, he never had any intentions of letting it get that far, I told him he put enough guilt on that carrot in front of me that it fell to the ground rotten so he can just forget me bringing it up ever again. And I won't. I will just sit here and keep doing everything I do and avoid facing the pain as much as I possibly can.

I am still hurting, but Jackie is home now and I can't cry like that in front of him so I have gone numb. The kind of numb you are scared you might not be able to get yourself out of. That kind of numb. He had the gall to ask me what was wrong now, and I told him nothing flatly and he at least didn't PUSH it because next time I won't be volunteering the info that he triggers in me that upset me again. I hope I can remember that and just STOP it before it gets out of hand again where he's in that position of power to toss guilt trips on me.

Okay pardon my French but WTF?????? He is ordering you and tell you a 40 year old woman who is perfectly capable to take care of herself NOT to do or go anywhere? If you didn't live so darn far away I would give him a piece of my mind!
Yes he is your husband and I understand his concern for your welfare in crowds but as somone said, you will be surrounded by people your own age or slightly younger (I am 35 so that would include me ). Its not like there will be a mosh pit or people doing to pogo. As you know, the most we will do is stand and jump around dancing! OOOOOOHHHHH! Scary!
As for the guilt trip, screw him. Your son is 25, I think he can handle it. Heck take your son with you! As for overplaying the music, tough cookies! He's a big boy, rough it out pansy!
Now when is this concert and who can you find to go with you?
Sorry Pam....it just jerks my chain when men get all gorilla on women. Besides....this is Def Leppard we are talking about! Doesn't he realize that you have a connection with this band....beyond the songs?