I think I might be running a little high, like hypomania range, nothing more.


It's nice to have so much energy... to feel inspired. I don't even really care if anything comes of it. I have a gazilllion hopes, but... I know how that goes usually. Still, just the now is a breath of fresh air.

It's a little unfocused and confusing at times. I feel giddy sometimes. I am like a whirlwind ... gusty and aimless.

Or I have lots of aims and no follow through is more like it.

Dad one day "talked to me" about my being really loud and boisterous lately. I'd kinda noticed it too but hoped it was just tension from one thing or another but it's kept going. He said I've been getting angry at the drop of a hat. But I notice I am realy bouncy a lot. I think what happns is just if I do get angry it is magnified. I feel always on... almost like I am onstage or something... everything is extra, over, super... ehhh Dyno-sized LOL. I say stuff and then re-emphasize everything eighteen times it seems.

And the the side-tracks. I've been seen ADD-like stuff which isn't usually there though. For isntance, I saw a friend recently and kept talking at her she had to keep putting me back on track and then I would just derail a different way.

Anyway I am ok. But probably need to be careful. This happened last year maybe around now and it just kinda petered out by itself. It has also happened before while unmedicated and just petered out.

waves

What's maybe strange is I feel fatigue at times, too. It might be physical though, becuase sometimes I feel simultaneously "up" and fatigued. I've been gettng these wicked upper back/neck aches. I was sleeping not much -- and can function on less sleep, but past 2 nights I've gotten 8 horus solid, dead to the world. Wake up feeling tired but too energetic even to want to stay in bed.. which is very out of character for me... I'm a big lounger normally. I pulled out an exercise mat... am going to try to do exercises for my back. The mat stinks though, liteerally. It smells like nail polish remover, so it is on the porch destinkifying itself, for the moment. I might get a stepper that my mom also likes to use... that would help with my knee. And am thinking of retrying the pool on a pay-per-visit basis so no commitment.

Oh and I ordered a DBT workbook that my friend's therapist recommended. I have a lot of borderline-like features that this book is good for helping. If I can get a handle on some, even partially, it will help me in allaspects of my life. And I hope it helps deal with obsessive stuff too because that's been bad lately... it gets bad at times where it stops me from doing things.

Last time I felt like this I wwrote. Fiction. This time I will try to learn stuff ... computer stuff... like writing a web service for starters... And maybe write again. I do love to write, when it flows....

A few times lately I've been tempted to smoke. I've resisted, except for once when I was super-trashed, an extremely rare circumstance.

I was at the bus stop the other day... a girl was smoking and I nearly, very nearly bummed one from her. Went through tonnnnnnns of mental machinations with reasons not to smoke and reasons not to care.... was teetering for several minutes. Finally was saved by the bus.

And just now, David Duchovny was smoking or maybe even acting-smoking a cig on tv, and sheez. Was like, gimme.

waves who is normally irritated when the neighbors smoke and it gets in the house.

Oh my.
I did not pay attention to him when he was younger.
At the age he is right now, he looks great.

I gotta run. I'll be back.

Those mindfulness exercises will help you with the No Smoking.

Yahh, he is smokin'... even when not holding a cigarette.

But my gimme was referred to the cig... which, given he was holding it, says a lot about my cig craving.

(Thinkign about it though, I'd forgo the cig if you handed me a David Duchovny instead. )

waves

Exactly,

He is hot either way.

You can manage without the cig.

What brings you down a little bit?

M

O.K.
I understand about impulse control now that you pointed it out.

You have have ways of distracting yourself and talking yourself out of this course of action.

I do not get these moods (as in completely do not understand them) because my highs are horrid and mixed (I hate you DSM 5 for not recognizing what a lot of us go through.) So I never feed or accommodate an up mood -- without being stopped it can lead to possibilities that put me in places from which I would not recover.

Enjoy this time while you are also watchful.

M

Yeh I understand I have had horrible moods energy+depression/anger... not functional. Those times probably contributed to destroying my life as I knew it.

Also when the energy is too much, even if "pure", it is impossible to "harness".

But the little waves can be nice. I am thankful for these. I don't think everyone has them. It probably won't last long and I doubt it will escalate--the energy seems sort of stable.

waves

Waves,


Back exercises -- yes.
Step exercises for knees -- No. I cannot imagine how that could possible a good idea. But I am o.k. with being talked into a different perspective.

Pool -- yes. Especially with your being a bit "up" you might be less dismayed than the last time you spoke about this with us.

THe DBT book -- very exciting. Do even the exercises that seem stupid. Commit to walking yourself through the whole thing.

That is great. Use the energy.

M

Reminds me I need to go smell that mat and see if it has lost its nasty chemical aroma.
Well, I was told to get a bike -- which I can't fit in here. My understanding is that impact level determines how good/bad something is for knees. The "stepper" (it is called that officially) I am getting is what I consider a portable stair-stepping machine: it has two pedals you stand on, and alternately push down on one then the other, as though climbing, except the feet never lose contact. It is like pedaling on a bike, but standing up. Like a bike, it really works the quads, which is what I was told to strengthen for my knee situation.

I thought this would be ok, becausee zero-impact? No?

If you have reason to believe this is bad, please tell me/explain. I haven't bought it yet, and will not, if there are knee reasons not to.

I was up when I signed up for it last time. The gross-out reaction was as big as the enthusiasm that preceded it, may or may not have had to do with the up. Since my expectations are more realistic, I figure it can only get better.
I don't really relish the idea though, so for now, just trying to re-open the mind to it.

I will see. Just taking it one step at time. Ordering was a step. I commit to the next step which is retrieving.

I expect there will be meditation-like exercises. I do not know how to solve my spatial/privacy problems to accomodate that. I will try to, on a per-time basis.