last night, I rewatched the first episode of downton abbey tonight season 5. It was vaguely familiar, I had too much to drink the first time that I saw it a few weeks ago. nice to be able to pick up on all of the subtleties, I guess I have a clearer head and went to the gym tonight finally to walk on the tred mill.walked a 5K in an hour. feel good about that.my feet are sore, I forgot to wear my new socks, new shoes should be in a week or so.
bizi

HI, Bizi,

Downtown Abbey is edited such that one has to pay attention.
The scenes are short and the plot points weave in and out.
(It is not just you).

Enjoy the gym.

Mari

I am always amazed how many plots the writer can put together in an hour. I just love Maggie Smith and her quick remarks come so natural.


Gerry

From the smart recovery web site I did a work sheet from their tool box.
It is called the CBA: cost benefit analysis.

So I thought I would write it down here for you all to see.

Advantages of drinking alcohol:

avoidance of work, I am lazy
Something to do-bored
makes me more fun to be around
like the taste
makes me more easy going/relaxed
increase self confidence
decreases my social anxiety
Fit in with my friends and family whom drink.

Disadvantages of drinking:

Don't get work done(avoidance ignore responsibilities)
expensive loss of money
harmful to my body, loss of brain cells
Gain weight
black outs, don't remember conversations
embarrassment by throwing up/ shame
fear/potential DUI when I drink and drive
potential to lose my job.
poor sleep, wake up then can't get back to sleep
shame over loss of control
guilty from lying to psychiatrist and therapist about usage.

advantages of not drinking:

Clearer mind/memory of events.
no chance of DUI
able to go to the gym
pay attention to downton abbey
get things done/paperwork
able to focus and concentrate on paperwork
better sleep
pride in self control/ boost self esteem
save money
lose weight
easier to diet
able to start a new hobby if I want to.

Disadvantages of not drinking:

Social anxiety issues
feeling self conscious /awkward
Don't fit in with family and friends whom drink
no excuse to not go to the gym.


This was very insightful of a task.
Think I will print it out for my therapist. I meet with her in a week.
Thank you for your support.
bizi

Bizi,

Those lists are great and will give you and the therapist lots to talk about.

Mari

For a long time now I have been in and out of therapy dealing with my issues.
I have made an appointment to see a doctor of osteopathy.
I found a female and she takes my insurance. I am hoping she can be my primary physician and even mange my psych meds for bipolar. I need some one who is willing to look at me in the whole and manage my care. She would replace 3 doctors, hopefully.
She also does manipulations which is a bonus because I could use a good tune up in that area.
She is only 34 years old. So far from her website the only thing that is a negative is she is very over weight. How can she be a good role model being that much over weight? I know that sounds judgmental but seriously, if prevention of disease is a main goal.....

I don't have any dreams....I believe my meds took that away. I am not motivated to start any new hobbies. My main motivation for not drinking is to lose weight. I am trying to get back to the gym and walk on the tred mill 3 days a week, that is a time commitment any where from 1.5 hours to 2.5 hours because of driving time and length of walk. Eventually I would like to run but am afraid my knees won't let me....plus I don't like to sweat.

4 years ago I was obsessed with dieting and losing weight I was down to 122 pounds too thin for this 5'7 inches body. I fell and broke my collar bone and that put an end to my dieting, healing became my priority. 3 weeks ago I was at my highest weight 160 in years. A shocker. I should have expected this as I had been eating and drinking freely over the holidays.
A goal of mine ( now) is to be healthy. I eat everyday at a health food store for lunch. I have made friends with the "lunch bunch". They are very nice and invited me to eat with them a few years ago. Before that I was eating alone. So I have increased socialization which is good. These are superficial friends for the most part. I am trying to nurture a couple of females in the group, they are keeping an arms distance for some reason. I don't have that many real friends.
Not drinking seems easier than not being on the computer.
I had a cancellation this morning so had some free time to do some paper work but chose to get on the computer instead. I am very behind in my paperwork. I just don't have the discipline to just DO IT!
Taxes are coming due and I need to start getting ready for that.
My house needs a cleaning and hubby is not concerned about that so he doesn't take the initiative to clean unless I ask him to. The yard needs work, have a yard man that I will ask to trim bushes back and cut down a dead flower bed that died from the frost. In the evenings I would spend a lot of time in the chat rooms. It was something to do and avoid work. I should use computer time as a reward for doing paper work. The chat rooms are instant gratification...I call it mental ************.
I need more motivation to be grown up and do my paper work and get off the computer.
I need balance in my life.
thanks again for your support.
bizi

Dear bizi, just remember that there are sometimes medical reasons for a person being overweight. They may have PCOS and/or be insulin resistant just for example. It's typical for a person with PCOS to be overweight. It's not always the case, but more often than not and it can be extremely difficult weight to lose.

I think it's really great that you're reevaluating like this. I mean, don't discard all your current treatment setups until you find out if this option is helpful to you. :hug: You're doing great just thinking about all these aspects of your life. Change can be a powerful thing. Just be careful.

Bizi,

You have a lot of insight and spell out important things.

I have some questions (?????).

What do you mean about being a grown up? What does a grown up mean to you? Do you think that you are rebelling against something?


Can you make a list of 10 things that you are good at?
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

OR

A list of things that you like and would like to do more of/ spend time on?
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

M

thank you mari.
I am not good at self esteem stuff....
I think I am good at some of my job.
I used to be good at taking care of my house, cleaning, yard work, growing plants. I used to be good at water colors, that was a long time ago. I was good at the gym now make myself go. Lame lame lame.....

I procrastinate. avoid unpleasant tasks, this is childish, adults do what needs to be done.

my girl friend is not doing well. I feel so badly for her.
WE are going to spend some anti-superbowl time together on sunday.
dinner and a movie. i think....
bizi
I feel like I am a 2 year old kicking and screaming I don't want to do that so I am not going to. sticks out tongue to myself.
sigh

Bizi,

Print it out for therapist and psychiatrist might be a good idea. Or; at least be upfront about the usage of drinking. It may help them help you even more. After all, as long as you take the time to see them; it would be important for them to know more details about you and your issues.

For what it's worth;I do think you seem to be pretty hard on yourself. Just putting together some of your meals and all that you do accomplish makes me really feel lazy.



Gerry