without a doubt you should post here and maybe the other. don't worry.
fondly
bobby

Hi Kay,

You have been through so much.
I am so very impressed by your continued dedication to do your best.

Doing our best does not mean we won't get tired of it, won't feel down, won't get frustrated, won't ever think about all of our options. It's normal to want a way out of pain, any/all types of pain.

I understand not knowing, one day to the next, if/how I will be able to participate in life. I often have to sit out, or change plans, because the pain is too much and the level of pain meds needed during those times also sometimes cause additional sedation. I understand when you talk about living for long periods of time, accepting the need for medication and feeling like you are passing time, until things get better and you can manage something different. I am often doing the same.

This can feel so isolating when it goes on for long periods of time.

I do feel the stigma is lessening. More and more people seem to talk more openly about issues of mental health. I feel this is very different than it was in the '80's and '90's for instance. It's improving.

Many people feel severely depressed and/or suicidal at some point in their lives. I honestly feel more and more people are willing to admit this to others, are more willing to talk about it. It's not a "rare" thing -- thinking about suicide, attempting suicide.

I have struggled with feeling suicidal, off an on, through the past 30 years of painful conditions.

It's also the case that many people having attempted suicide also feel a deep sense of regret, shame and/or stigma. In my experience, this is much more about how a person feels about him/herself, and not so much about how others (family/friends) feel about them. I feel there is a lot of self-judgment and/or self condemnation about suicide attempts.

I, for one, am glad you have survived.
I know so many others are also glad you have survived.

I hope and pray you can release yourself from paying any price in shame or otherwise. You don't deserve to suffer from any sense of shame or self-judgment for anything.

Kay, please know you are highly respected, greatly admired and truly loved and accepted for you, as you are.

I see a beautiful soul trying her best to deal with very challenging conditions.
You've been doing an outstanding job at taking care of your needs.

It's a pleasure to support you through whatever comes your way.

We are all here to love and to support one another.

With Admiration, Love and Prayers,
DejaVu

Patience is one of the things that I try to practice. It's so important. I'm trying to be patient with the meds, therapists, me, and all of the aspects of life in my struggles with mental health issues.

I try to be patient with time.

It's so important to be patient with people when It comes to our mental health challenges. They usually don't have a clue what's going on with us. We don't know what's going on either. BF

Thank you for sharing your experience with me, and for your compassion, empathy, and reassurance
I'm sorry for all of the pain that you have suffered as well

I do harbor a lot of guilt, and feel a great deal of shame. Thoughts, feelings and memories about it have run scattered through my mind (along with other random thoughts) at a million miles an hour during the episodes of agitated mania I have had. It's just a piece of this kind of episode, but it's unintentional self-torture.

I'm extremely lucky to be here. I'm happy I'm here. I'm doing everything I can to stay safe, and I hope one day I can forgive myself.

Thank you

Kay

I think this time around was different for me because:
1. I experienced agitated mania again
2. I had to take the max dose of Seroquel for the first time
3. I was convinced I was finally getting better and
4. I'm worn out

You're right, Steve. Patience is important. I have to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. And this is all trial and error.

I think paying close attention and keeping a personal chart of how much med I need daily is really the only thing I can do to help pdoc and I figure this out.

If I make any sustained progress or have anything significant to share with you, I will. I don't think I need to document everything here.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement,
Kay

Kay,

Getting them down (handwritten/typed/posted) helps lots.

Certainly post whatever you want here.


M

For the first time I think I was on too much med.

The 600mg dose of Gabapentin shut the mania down fast and the amount of Seroquel I needed during the day dropped off quickly after that. I haven't needed any prn Seroquel for 2 days. I started waking up sedated again despite pushing the dose back 3hrs before bedtime. I think once I came down, it became too much med for me.

Last night I took 450mg (3/4 of a 600mg tablet) at bedtime. I didn't wake up sedated and haven't had to take a prn yet. I'm feeling pretty good today.

I see my pdoc Friday. She lets me play with Seroquel, why not Gabapentin? I figured it was worth a shot. I won't make anymore changes without discussing it with her though.

kay I think you are amazing!
bizi

I'm looking forward to reporting good news to my pdoc for the first time in a long time on Friday. I saw her a week ago today. Usually by this time I've escalated again, but I've had no signs of hypomania again this morning and that is significant progress.

The Seroquel was obviously helping control my anxiety a lot. The Xanax is doing nothing again this morning now that the prns are gone. But I have to put it in perspective: it's an easier issue to address when compared to finding the right maintenance dosing. And I'm not going to let this take anything away from the progress I've made there.

Kay,

I hope that the Fri appt goes well.
You have made great progress.

Mari