I am sorry kay.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Tuesday there was no water in the morning.
Yesterday one of the washers was broken AND WE LOST HEAT. Someone from maintenance finally came by around 5pm to fix it. By that time it was under 60 degrees in the apartment (it was about 25 degrees out). I guess I should feel lucky that someone came AT ALL :mad:

So that ordeal was enough to get me to pull out the lease to take another look at it. It ends August 1st, and we have to renew or give notice we are moving by June 1st. So, it won't be too long before I have to start seriously looking for a new apartment. Now I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I know I should not be doing things like this, especially right now, but yesterday I opened the slider and threw all 4 LARGE couch pillows and all 3 cushions from the love seat on the lawn in front of the patio, took a couple of trips to put them in the car, and then I drove them over to the dumpster. My husband was upset that I did it because I really shouldn't be doing anything like that, but at the same time he was happy to have them gone because it's less work for him. He seems to view the rest of the furniture pieces as easier to deal with now that he won't have to make a bunch of trips to take care of the little stuff. Whether or not he will get to it and get it over with anytime soon… IDK.

That room desperately needs a really good cleaning, which I can do once that furniture is gone and I'm feeling up to it (whenever the hell that is). And I want a new couch, and that's not going to happen until he gets rid of the furniture in that room now… because that's where he'll move the old couch when the new one gets here!!!

I thought I was done buying linens, but my husband told me last night he wanted me to buy another set of the sheets I bought off Amazon that just arrived. I'm just waiting for him to tell me he wants new pillows, too. lol.

I feel lousy this morning, but I set myself up for another busy day today. I'm going to get a manicure and a haircut, but at two different places. I don't know how pampered I'll feel after I run the other errands on my list tho.

I need to make a to-do list for today so I don't miss anything and end up having to go out tomorrow. I may do some laundry, but that's it. I really, really need to rest.

enjoy your hair cut!
Your work makes me tired reading about it, please be careful.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi
glad that your lease is almost up. good luck finding a new safer, newer home.

I love throwing stuff out. It is freeing.

Enjoy the hair cut and manicure.



M

I love throwing things out too, Mari. I think "freeing" is an excellent way to describe the feeling. I wish I was physically capable of doing it more of it. We have so many things around that we just don't need that are taking up space, but they remain because my husband is, sorry, but lazy. And he just has SO MUCH ****!!! I told him that he's going to have to go through it before we move because it's not all coming with us this time. He agreed to that, but we'll see…

I say, "we'll see" in regards to my husband's behavior an awful lot lol.
It's supposed to rain today, so there's no way he'll take that furniture to the dumpster, but we're supposed to have good weather tomorrow. I'll bring the subject up at breakfast and hope he won't find any good excuses not to do it.

Most of my running around has been in search of linens: bath mats (2 sets), towels, and sheets and I think I've figured out why…
Last week (?) the toilet overflowed and I went into OCD overdrive. I threw out the bath mats and the towels I used to sop up the dirty water because they could never be clean to me again. I bleached every surface in the bathroom 3 times… but obviously that wasn't enough. I've cleaned the BR at least 4 times since.

I'm usually driven like this when I'm hypo/manic (I'm definitely not right now tho), but in this case I think my OCD is compelling me to go out and search for and buy all these things to make the bathroom clean/new again or something. I'm not shopping for or spending money on anything else. I'm just fixated on **** that goes in the linen closet. I wish making sense of things fixed problems things this, but it doesn't.

Anyway, I've decided we need new pillows, and my husband has decided we need another set of towels. He's not exactly helping, but I'm sure I'll be satisfied at some point. There isn't much left to replace.

Isn't it hard to discern what is bipolar symptoms? I guess a manic episode lasts longer...not sure what the DSM what ever number they are up to now???? states the length of duration to qualify.
anyway. good luck with the pillows! hubby has a thing about pillows he has to try many/multiple pillows before he picks out the perfect pillow. It takes a long time picking out a new pillow!!!!!
bizi

Kay,

I would have thrown away the bath mats and towels and such too because
I would never be able to look at them or use them the same way again ---
-- no matter logically how clean I knew they were.

I hope that at some point the two of you can be satisfied / be able to take it easy.


m

Sometimes it's hard for me to discern dysphoric/mixed hypomania from a severe flare up of a combination of OCD and PTSD which may precede or trigger it until it gets pretty bad. And sometimes I have a hard time picking up on hypomania early if it's mild because it feels like heightened anxiety. I do catch on tho.

In this case I'm absolutely certain I'm not hypo. If I was, it would be a euphoric episode, but:
I always have more energy during those episodes, but I'm worn out and am taking 4-5 hour naps and am getting my 7-8 hours in every night now,
My thinking would usually get clearer and more rapid, but instead I'm having a lot of difficulty with my cognitive function,
My spending in general increases, but right now it's restricted to one specific area, and
I almost always embark on some ridiculous cleaning project in the beginning. While I did a lot of cleaning in the bathroom, it was only because it was "contaminated" and had to be cleaned up to my OCD standards. Otherwise, I haven't had the energy to keep up with my housework.

I've managed to stay in and rest the last two days. We ordered out last night because I didn't feel like cooking… I always feel guilty doing that, but sometimes I need a break, especially on weekends when the expectation is I'll be cooking 3 meals a day.

I have to do an inventory in the kitchen to see if I have to do grocery shopping today or if I can get away with putting it off for another day. I'm going to try to resist going out to buy pillows and towels. That revolves around how early I shower and how I feel afterwards I guess.

You sound like you are very self aware sweetie.
good luck with your day/sunday.
I wish you had more of a partner to help you with your day.
(((((HUGS and LOVE)))))
bizi

I got away with not food shopping, but will have to deal with that today :(

I did buy pillows, but not at Kohl's where I have coupons for today. My husband's Laura Ashley pillows that I bought at Bed, Bath, and Beyond are hard and got warped pretty quickly, but the Ralph Lauren Pillows I bought for myself at Macy's stayed fairly soft and kept their shape. Macy's was having a sale, so I went there yesterday and bought 4 Ralph Lauren pillows for 50% off and the cashier also applied another discount, so I spent $33 for all 4, which I think is a very good deal. I would rather spend my money on a product I know is good quality vs. taking a chance on something else even if it may be cheaper. I slept well last night :)

I'm going to Kohl's today to buy the towels my husband likes, and hopefully that should end my linen quest. I need a new pair of jeans, and may buy a pair only if they are on sale. I do have $10 off and 20% off coupons, but jeans are expensive.


I got pretty upset yesterday, and and when he asked me what was wrong, I unburdened myself and told him I was frustrated because I'm constantly tired and feel like ****, I'm afraid to take naps (but have to) because I'm worried I won't wake up, I can barely pee, my OCD is dragging my *** all over the place, I feel like a ****ing moron because of my cognitive problems, my ****ty computer was making things even harder because it's constantly crashing and I can't update things or use certain features because it's so old, I've been very worried about a good friend for a long time, and I'm frustrated because we have a bunch of **** laying around because he always has excuses for not taking it out.

He listened, and tried to be comforting and understanding about everything except the furniture he won't take out. He said we "just" rearranged the living room… but that was the week of my surgery, which was on the 3rd.

Then I took about a 4 hour nap, and as usual, I still felt like crap.

I had my pity party yesterday and it's time to move on. I feel better this morning.

The towels cost me the same amount with the $10 off coupon yesterday as they did last week when they were on sale. I'm happy with my decision to buy the pillows at Macy's because I didn't like what Kohl's had to offer, and they weren't exactly giving anything (good) away.

That should be the end of the linen procurement, but (of course) I'm a little focused on the shower curtain now. I'm going to try my best not to look at it or think about it.

I found the perfect pair of jeans, and they were on sale. But my 20% off coupon isn't good until Wednesday. I haven't decided if I will go back to buy them there, charge them to my Amazon account, or buy them at all. I feel guilty spending anymore money... on anything that isn't linen-related.

It was absolutely pouring out yesterday, so there was no way I was doing the grocery shopping. I had to pick up a prescription at CVS, so I bought the toilet paper and milk we needed there. It's going to rain today too, but it will be light/drizzle, so not a big deal...

But I really hate food shopping.

I am glad that he listened to you. and glad that you could vent.
Very glad that you felt better, venting can be very cathartic. Crying would have even been better. If that doesn't sound too weird...sorry.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I had to lay down around 9am yesterday, and I slept until around 1pm. I was barely awake until 2 until I had to lay down again until about 5pm, and went to bed at 10. I can't really say anything was wrong, aside from generally feeling unwell.

I may have a sinus infection. I was dizzy this morning and my temp was 99.7, which I don't consider to be a fever. I really don't feel like dealing with the doctor. I feel like putting it off.

So I didn't go to the grocery store again yesterday, but I had pasta, chicken broth, and garlic and I was able to throw dinner together. I won't be that lucky tonight, so if I start feeling really shitty again, I'm just going to have to push through it.

I think it's a good idea if I get ready and get going early.

I am sorry that you are not feeling well. Listen to your body and rest when you need it.
maybe ask corey to get some things from the store?
bizi

I didn't spend all day in bed, but I can tell I definitely have a sinus infection. So, I'll call today and try to get an appointment with my PCP or the NP.

For some reason the urologist's office called yesterday to confirm my appointment for April 14th. I think that's odd. Obviously I have to call them back.

I finally made it to the grocery store and spent $130 :eek: because I put the shopping off for so long that the cupboards were bare. Usually the bill is in the $80-90 range because we don't order out often.

I went to Kohl's to try on the "perfect jeans" to make sure 10 was the right size. It was, and it was the only size 10, but they were too short (maybe they were a 10S). The 8M I tried on were long enough though. I hope the 10M I ordered off Amazon will be long enough. Otherwise, I will spend a good deal of time waiting for the exchange process before I get the right size.

I'll play the lottery as usual today and I have to drive to NH to buy cigarettes again. I thought about doing laundry this morning, but decided against it because I can do it tomorrow and I'm already doing enough today.

We spend alot on food. It really adds up doesn't it?
((((HUGS)))
bizi
I was looking at myself naked in the mirror last night...my body has changed in shape so much with this weight gain, very depressing.
good luck with your pants shopping.

I didn't call the doctor's office yesterday for an appointment. I hate going, and I'm resisting. If I felt sick enough I would go though, so I guess I'm not.

When I decided not to laundry yesterday I forgot I have an appointment with my pdoc this morning, so I screwed myself over and have to do it before I go. I have enough time, but I'm not happy about it.
I still have a set of sheets that needs to be washed and will be getting a new set from Amazon soon that will need to be washed too, and my husband's work jacket didn't fit (again) this time. So I really couldn't delay putting the 2 full loads I had in, or I would be really behind.

This is my last appointment with my pdoc before she goes on maternity leave. She will have other pdocs covering on a rotating basis, but I'm such a mess not having her accessible is a scary proposition. There is one pdoc that we talked about using who is "not afraid to use meds," so would probably be best, whether she's on the rotation or not.

sounds very busy(stressful) kay, good luck with your day.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Kay,

'Sending hopes that the replacement pdoc works well for you.

I know it was stressful for me when the pdoc/doc/tdoc routine is modified.


How long is the maternity leave?



M

My pdoc won't be back until July! :(
She wasn't thrilled about the OCD linen quest, but it seems to be over since I bought the pillows. She's very concerned about the fatigue, cognitive issues, and urinary retention, and wants me to make an appointment with my neurologist to discuss recent changes.

Friday was a ****ty day. I woke up to cat puke all over the floor and got stuck taking another cold shower. Then it turned out that only one dryer was working, but I didn't realize it until I went to transfer the clothes from the washers to the dryers. That added an extra hour to the process and I was 5 minutes late to my appointment. Later, I woke up from my nap because I felt something wet on my legs. When I got out of bed to check it out, I saw that Buddy puked all over me while I was sleeping and it soaked all the way through the quilt onto the bottom sheet (thank God not to the mattress pad). I ended up having to wash the sheets because I didn't have a clean set (my 3rd load of laundry of the day). I cleaned the puke up off the quilt the best I could, but I'll have to haul it to the laundromat. In the meantime, I put an old comforter on the bed. Later, one of the cats puked again, this time on the bed room floor. I felt like I was shoveling **** against the tide all day and I'm sure I'm leaving some little annoyances out.

It's not normal for cats to throw up this often. I know Rocky throws up sometimes because he eats too fast tho. I'm changing their food to something higher quality and for sensitive systems, but will do it slowly. I'm not spending a fortune tho.

I'm still having the same issues with fatigue and problems with my neck and shoulder, so that bad day didn't help. According to my husband I'm still in a lousy mood, but I can't help it, I just feel like ****.

I'm like halfway through reading the threads I missed, and I'm just not going to be able to respond to the rest now. I apologize to anyone who's thread I haven't gotten to yet… it's not personal. I'm sorry.

have you ever shopped at chewy.com they have great prices at no taxes if you buy over 49 dollars

I hate it when i find cat puke on my bed. UGH!!!!!
It is such a pain in the ****.
It is exhausting having to deal with it and then the linens etc. well you know you just experienced it. sorry.
yes maybe new food will help.
Have you been more anxious lately? cats can pick up our emotions I believe.
love
bizi

Hi, Kay,

I hope that your day improved.


M

I woke up with an awful anxiety attack this morning. I have to go out later, so I was only able to take 1mg of Klonopin, so my anxiety is still pretty high and I feel terrible. I haven't had a full-blown anxiety attack in a while. I know what triggered it… it was husband-related.

I hope I'll feel less anxious after a shower. I have to go to the pet store to pick out new cat food, hit the pharmacy, and go to the grocery store to pick up a few things.

Like Bizi, I cleaned my bathroom yesterday. My husband had been trimming his beard so there were little hairs everywhere. It was disgusting and really bothering me, but I was waiting a few days until he shaved it off because I'm tired of cleaning the bathroom every other day.

I have to take that quilt to the laundromat at some point, but I can't haul it there with my neck the way it is. In the meantime, the black comforter on the bed is collecting a lot of cat hair, so that will need to go to the laundromat sometime in the (distant) future as well.

Kay,

Sorry to hear about the anxiety attack.

I hope your day improves.


M

we take a cat brush to the comforter it helps to get rid of the fur.
good luck sorry you are hurting.
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Good Idea Bizi. Thanks

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I woke up with another anxiety attack this morning… so I guess we're going to start doing THAT again… and I'm just ****ing thrilled about it.
My anxiety remained high yesterday, but I'm kinda caught between a rock and a hard place because taking more Klonopin means I would be risking some degree of sedation, which is something I REALLY don't need right now.

My pdoc should be in the office for the rest of April unless her baby comes early. If these anxiety attacks continue, I'll have to call her. I won't be able to get an appointment unless she makes an exception. I had to take the early appointment last Friday because it was all she had available before her planned maternity leave.


The last time I washed the black comforter at the laundromat, not enough cat hair came off because it was loaded with it, so I had to lay it out over the bed and use the lint roller on it before I put it away. It's invisible on the quilt, so I really don't bother to do it with that although I probably should.

I went to buy cat food yesterday. I can't believe how expensive it is!!! I was in the pet store for 45 minutes!
I wanted to buy a sensitive systems formula, but many of the ones they have (and not every brand has one) had the same ingredients as the brand I have been feeding them… even some of the expensive ones! I can't believe I ended up buying Blue Buffalo because I've always said I would never buy it because it's so expensive, but it's more reasonably priced compared to other brands. It will cost $4 more for a bag that will last us for 3-4 weeks. It's worth it if it will mean that the poor kitties will throw up less and I don't have to clean it up as often…

I mixed a little into their regular food last night and the bowls were totally empty this morning, which is unusual, so I guess they really like it. I added a little more this morning. Rocky threw up undigested food right after he ate because he was eating like a pig again tho. I really won'y be able to judge the results until they are totally switched over I guess.

have you tried chewy.com -sorry about your anxiety

hope your kitties adjust to the new food. And that their tummies subside.
sorry about your added anxiety, NOT GOOD!
How is your neck?
do you think it isanything happening today that is triggering your anxiety?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I didn't wake up with an anxiety attack this morning!!! :):):)
But my anxiety is still WAY too high...
I have a lot of problems because I have several anxiety disorders. The severity of my GAD (the culprit right now) really waxes and wanes and sometimes I don't know what triggers it, but it can stay really high for a while. I just went through a really rough patch with my OCD so I don't know if that's somehow related.
I was supposed to go out yesterday, but I stayed in in favor of taking more Klonopin (not that it worked). I really have to go out today tho. Once I get home I'm going to try taking a clonidine, which I've only been taking at night, and see if that helps at all...
I'm not going to worry about the potential sedation. If it adds to my hypersomnia, it does. Right now anxiety is my most pressing problem because I'm so ****ing distressed and uncomfortable.

I'm still having the same neck and right shoulder problems and my right arm is weaker than normal. I'm alternating Advil and Tylenol now, but it's still not helping. It's been going on for about a month now. I have a history of neck problems, so I know I should go to the doctor, but I don't want to yet.

Bobby, I did check out Chewy.com and they have a larger bag of the cat food I bought that will save me a significant amount of money. I will buy from them once I'm sure that the food is going to work out, and I think it will. They seem to love the it tho because they keep cleaning out the dishes. Aside from Rocky getting sick that one time from overeating, no one else has thrown up, and everything in the litter box looks normal... a good sign :)

The chicken I was supposed to roast last night was rancid even though the sell buy wasn't until the 6th... it's the second time in a row this has happened to me at my regular store. I had plans to make chicken pie with the left overs. So even though I was just at the grocery store Monday, I will have to go to a different one to pick up a chicken today. Not happy about it.

Tell the store about your rancid chicken, they will replace it for you.
sorry that that happened. glad that you did not wake up with a panic attack. wish you did not have GAD.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I remember the clonidine was effective when tried it a couple of times for intrusive thoughts, but I didn't notice any effect on my general anxiety yesterday.

My anxiety isn't quite as high this morning :)
I took 1mg of Klonopin, and am much more comfortable. I can handle THIS level of anxiety :)

I finally called to make an appointment with my neuro. The medical secretary said they were booking in July (I already have an appointment in June), but when she asked what was going on, she gave me an appointment for today at 4:30. I have to start making a list of things I want to discuss and hopefully by the time the appointment comes around, I will have remembered everything. My anxiety may be down because I finally took step to address some of the issues that have been plaguing me even though I might not like the answers. IDK.

The timing of the appointment is awful for me though because I'm usually sleeping. I'm worried about taking a nap because I sleep so long and it's so ****ing hard to wake me up. And I'm worried about not taking a nap because I don't know what kind of condition I'll be in if I don't, and I have to drive.

I haven't had to clean any cat puke since Monday night (knock on wood)… I think that is a recent record. The cats will be 100% on the new food today and I hope things continue to go well…

Also, I stopped spraying the Felaway a while ago, but have a diffuser still plugged into an outlet in the bedroom. I'm keeping up with clipping their nails too, and they're still not scratching the furniture! :)

i also buy the big bags of litter and save a lot of money. it all adds up. this time i will buy two lasers. abby loves her lasers

how did you appointment go with the neurologist?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

He ordered a MRI. I think my copay is $250 though and I'm pretty sure I owe the company money. I will begrudgingly pay the copay, but if they want me to pay the whole balance before the MRI, I don't know if I'll be having one even though I need it.

I haven't had one in 2 years, so IF I have one, he'll be looking for changes since the last one. But he'll really be looking for signs that I may be having a relapse too- not that anything will be done about it. Treatment for relapses is IV steroids, which I can't take because they induce mania. But if I am having an episode at least there would be hope that there could be some improvement…

He can't do anything about the fatigue and cognitive issues. The meds that could helps are off limits for the same reason I can't take the steroids. I've tried all of those too with the same results.

Friday and Saturday night I had really bad night sweats and was sweating all day Sunday (I'm usually cold). I had them before and after the surgery.. a day or two at a time, not associated with a daytime fever, and the only other symptom I had is I felt like ****. I didn't mention them to the neuro because honestly I forgot about them because I can't remember **** anymore. They could be caused by the MS, so I will drop him a note, but I should see my PCP to rule other things out. As far as that goes, I feel fine this morning.

My husband is being a totally unsympathetic ***hole. He thinks I have a bad attitude and am being miserable. It's probably because I am miserable. I've been having a really hard time for about a month, and really didn't need the developments over the weekend to make matters worse…

I'm worried. I don't know what the hell's going on :(

The order for my MRI was faxed Thursday, so someone should have called me Friday. I got impatient this morning and called them. They had no order. When I called my neuro's office to get the order faxed again, I got a moron on the phone, but I hope she got the job done.

maybe the night sweats are from hormone imbalances. You just had surgery, did they end up taking one ovary out?
sorry I can't remember.
But maybe that has something to do with it.
Or you could be starting to go thru menopause,
you are in your 40's right?
I started having nights sweats years before I started having other symptoms.
They say we can take up to 10 years of symptoms before we are actually finished with menopause.
sigh
bizi

I'm 36.
I didn't have to have an ovary out, thank God.
I had the night sweats before surgery too, when I still had the cysts, my fallopian tubes, and was on birth control… the symptoms are the same now that I'm off the birth control and don't have the cysts or my tubes.
I've had 2 regular periods without breakthrough bleeding now that the cysts are gone and I'm not taking birth control… so I don't think hormones are the problem.

An hour and a half after I had called my neuro's office to ask them to re-fax the order for the MRI, I called to make sure registration had received it, but of course they had not. I called my neuro's office back to ask them to re-fax it again and spoke to a secretary who sounded competent, so I didn't call registration back to check on it. So, I'm waiting for them to call and schedule me…

I found out that my neuro only ordered an MRI of my brain, and I'm not happy about it because 1) I would have liked to see what MS has done to my spinal cord in the last 2 years 2) I would have liked to see what the discs in my neck look like now and 3) if he decides later he wants to look and my spinal cord, or I have to go to an ortho for my neck and he wants and MRI, I'll have to pay another $250 copay. I should have asked him about it at the appointment, but I didn't, and it's a little late in the game to ask him to rewrite the order.

I made an appointment with my PCP about the night sweats, will let him know about my other symptoms, and let him figure it out. I had asked my neuro to run my thyroid level because I'm due anyway, and my PCP will have access to the results of that test. The appointment is at 3:15… bad time of day for me.

I went grocery shopping yesterday, but probably should not have. At least it's done and I don't have to worry about it for another week or so.
I'm doing laundry now. 2 loads. It will take care of all the clothing, but I still need to wash a set of towels, a set of new sheets, and that quilt Buddy puked on. I have plans to wash all of that at the laundromat sometime when I feel up to it.