i spoke to my therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner and got a lot more depressed. i am really impressed with the psychiatric nurse practitioner. She is so f@cking knowable. I wanted to die again. i wrote a message to my internist about a muscle relaxer for ibs. he said no and also mentioned side effects.
linda finally called me back last night when i was feeling so hopeless and wanted to die. she said she had been throwing up all week and couldn't call. she said she had cancelled one appointment to have her hair cut. . she didn't want to cancel the next one. she went, then excused herself, threw up and then continued to have her hair cut. She listed all the things in her life like her three beloved sons, her writing, her reading, her doggy etc so she said how could she be depressed when she had so much. i have known her all my life so she is family. she lives in mass.
I am just too afraid of God TO KILL MYSELF.

dear bobby,
I am glad that you got to talk to linda am sorry she has been ill.
Am glad that you have your faith. could you read more on the bible or the koran, not sure how you spell that and if you have one.
very sad that you have been thinking about killing your self, have you called the crisis line any more they are there to help you not feel so alone.
Isn't it staffed 24/7?
love to you

bizi

i would never kill myself because i am terrified of God. I can't stand it when i wish i were dead. i read quotes from s the bible every day that are sent to me. i really should start reading the psalms again because they deal with suffering.
last night it was so bad.
I am also very worried about money. guess what i just bought three pairs of shoes from ebay. the shoes i have only been wearing i think have stretched out so maybe one of what i bought will work.
aby has been very affectionate this morning. aby and pudge are another deterrent.
i have been tormenting myself that i can't afford to buy Danny food that he loves more than hamburger. i discussed a lot with my therapist and kept on calling myself crazy. finally she convinced me to to write him that i would love to buy the food but i can only afford the hamburger.

i am feeling much better. i called the hotline and said everything that had upset me this past week. robert was supposed to help with my computer tonite but i wrote him early in the morning to cancel because i was very depressed and hadn't slept last night and but didn't write that i was very angry.was angry.
he had really gotten me furious. he had said the dog food i gave for Danny which i got for free he even liked better than the hamburger. i felt tormented and finally said that i could only afford the 2 pounds of hamburger i give danny every other week.. Of course i didn't tell him that i feel guilty about my impulse buying which i can't seem to stop.
he wrote back
I understand perfectly, and sorry you are having such difficulty paying your bills. Danny thanks you profusely for all the years you generously supplied him
with his favorite gourmet food hamburger.
That so infuriated me. i am not having trouble paying my bills but don't want to pay almost double what it costs me every other week for Danny's food.. i thought that was f@cking passive aggressive. and can't confront him. i did write back i am not having trouble paying my bills.
I took that other laxative for the third night and it made me go again although i still hope i can go more. last night i only took 4 pills. 4 cents-so much cheaper than magnesium citrate liquid. i was so relieved.
i hope i can sleep later. thank goodness for the hotline.

the bipolar depression returned a little while ago. i hate it.
yesterday for a while i was listening to Psalms on the internet. I just took flaxseed oil.

Flax seeds provide omega-3 fatty acids, which have been known to be mood lifting and possibly help combat depression. Several studies have found that increasing the omega-3 fatty acids in your diet can aid in preventing major depression disorders.
i also just took NAC.

How much NAC should I take for depression?
Oral N-acetylcysteine is safe and well tolerated without any considerable adverse effects. Current evidence supports its use as an adjunctive therapy clinically for psychiatric conditions, administered concomitantly with existing medications, with a recommended dosage between 2000 and 2400 mg/day.Oct 22, 2018

i just read this on facebook.

My psychiatrist told me that the reason the typical antidepressants weren’t working for me is because I am actually bipolar

80 % of them demonstrated improvement in depression, anxiety, and irritability, meaning that folic acid can be used as an adjunct to antidepressant treatment, and may be a safe and effective strategy for managing treatment-resistant depression in pediatric patients (Dartois et al., 2019).

I don't understand what your pdoc said? did he mean bipolar 1?
I am confused????
love bizi

i don't know. somebody wrote that on facebook

i hardly went this morning. i wonder if it stopped working. rats i only got three hours of sleep last night. double rats.
i asked robert if he could go with me to my eye appointment. i had told him about the fantastic equipment that cost over 300,000 dollars and that he would also like the doctor. if not for the first time in over a year i will try to go myself. it is on park ave with plenty of cabs so i am sure the cab driver would me.
my mood is flipping all over the place-it is awful. i took more peppermint and ginger capsules to help my stomach ache.
i did take a bath, called to find out my next dental appointment and called dorot's escort service for two more appointments. i called last week but they haven't called back. triple rats.
wy way way too much stress and exhaustion.