Waves told me she wrote about my son here and I read her post. I haven't read others because I wanted to be a little more accurate, though Waves got most of it right and certainly her heart was in the right place.

My son died on October 29th. I still can't really say or write that. It is very painful for me and I still can't believe it really - denial is a balm.

His medications were not done right by his psychiatrist. My son and I were trying to titrate on the clozaril because he had missed about a week to ten days. The website says to titrate - go back on slowly - she (the psychiatrist) said that was not necessary. He had actually been off ten days and she - who was in another state and did not look at his chart - said he had been off two days. And get off the phone and do what I say because I am going on vacation tonight.

He and I started him on the clozaril slowler than she said - but not as slowly as the pharm site said. He couldn't go into a new program because she wouldn't change her mind or look at his chart to see he and I were right.

He died in my small apartment. Just me and him. He was having problems with wheezing and he was sleepwalking. I was going to take him to the hospital the next day. I got him in bed and he died. He was 29. I am crazy with guilt and anger and pain and love. It wasn't my fault but it is hard to not feel it was my fault.

His brother and sister came a few days later - they live far away.

I am having a small memorial service on Sunday and have no family in the area. His ashes will be scattered in the spring.

He was my life - I devoted myself to him for the past 25 years. The coroner has not determined a cause of death and it may remain so - probably his heart and the Clozaril does cause deaths by myocarditis. Slides have been sent to a cardiac pathologist. May know in a few weeks, may not.

I have missed people here but work now full time and this is more than full time. I just want him back.

Sometimes I feel some peace. In therapy and may go to a bereavement group in January.

Take care all of you,

I love you and I miss you. Hold on. I am here.

Karolina:

I know how bad guilt can make us feel. I divorced my husband this past July and he passed about 3 weeks ago. Somehow the guilt has to be let go or else it can ruin us. Know in your heart that your son does not want you to be going through this. I know it is easier said than done and I do offer you my condolences. It is something no parent should have to go through. I truely feel for you.

befuddled2

(((((((((((Karolina)))))))))))))))))))


Nikko

I am so sorry and can so relate to every emotion you feel.
The same thing happened to my daughter with poor medical/medication care, wrong dose, and given SSRI she had documented seisures from.
She died in our home during her sleep, I had given her the meds, did not know the new ones were SSRI many of them, and the full dose of Duregesic patch when she had not had any for a week.She also was 29.
I am consumed with gried and guilt.

There are no answeres, no way to lessen the heart aching, and missing of someone that was a huge piece of your life. Takeing care of my daughter and advocating her care was a full time job. Tough with her being bipolar, disabled with nerve damage also, and in crisis at the time she passes....Lack of health system caring, and treat them and street them attitude.
I have three complaints from her stay there, and now I blame them for her death,

One day after she came home with the ten meds I felt so confused about but they reassured me!
I cry with with, I send you hugs, and my love.
I am so deeply sorry someone else is lost from the lousy system and makes me all the more determined to go after those involved in her treatment.
Dianne

Sending hugs.

Donna

I am so sorry for your loss...your son.
and for you di about your daughter.
Hugs to you both...
I have no words to offer just a shoulder to cry on.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Hi Karolina,

glad you made it here. Welcome.

sorry for the inaccuracies ... it was based on our IM conversation so i'm not surprised i got some things wrong in my post/thread

but

please DO read the responses - they are heartfelt messages for YOU.

i hope you are ok today. sorry i konked out before checking back in mail and re-sending links but i guess you saved the one from IM... in any case you made it i was really out of it last night between migraine and meds.

I'm glad you are here.

love

~ waves ~

Dear Karolina,

This is very sad.
Juan had a great mother.

M.

pain beyond words...

this sounds good. i am glad you are taking care of yourself and staying connected in these ways.

Of this, I am soooo happy, and very relieved. I hope you feel it more and more often.



~ waves ~