still nothing from the cardiac pathologist - and he was at the therapeutic level of clozapine - .89 (1.0 is toxic)

I still struggle with guilt - if I had taken him to the er then he might have lived. He didn't want to go to the er, but I could have called 911 while he was sleepwalking and coughing/wheezing - but that felt wrong too because I wanted to have him be choosing his life. I did not think he would die that night. But it seemed serious and I was caught between what to do and what not to do. I had also taken my meds which included trazadone and that made me fuzzy. And I was so tired and confused.

But he was with me and I take the blame. Although something had been happening for several days and he had kept refusing to go to the hospital.

But if I had been sharper........... (then never mind calling his doctor and describing the symptoms and her making light of them). But that was a few days before he got sicker. I was going to take him the next day. Only I didn't get to.

Looking back he looked sick and I should have talked him into it. He was not hard to talk to

But he had run off to Boston for a few days and I had been so scared so I though he will be nice to me and then do something.

I think this is such torture. the guilt and then the loss the loneliness the missing the unfairness to him to his life he could be leading.

so hard

Dear Karolina


Grief is the hardest emotion to overcome... because there is no time-frame.

God/humanity give you the strength to get through this traumatic time.

David

{{{{{{:hug}}}}}}}}}}

i'm so sorry for your loss


David

Dear karolina,

I only just noticed your post today. You have my commiserations. More than that, I identify with everything that you are feeling.

My girlfriend died on October 27 following surgery that I urged her to get that was not supposed to be life-threatening.

I won't go into it, but there are so may of my decisions that I question. Would the outcome have been different if I had chosen/not chosen to do this or that? I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that I realize cognitively is not justified but that knowledge doesn't help emotionally.

Nothing will help but the passage of time. Lean on everyone around you who can give you help.

It will get better. I know that, and that is what everyone tells me. I believe it, but that doesn't make anything better now.

I am so sorry that you all have these sorrows to your hearts.
it is obvious that You loved them very much.
Know that we care...
write, vent, post whatever, whenever....
I am so sorry.
bizi

so this will be another weekend of not knowing, and then maybe yet another week of not knowing and maybe the finding will be inconclusive

so I did think that next time I talk to the coroner, maybe I can ask him if it looks like I could have done something -

though even if the guilt is relieved to an extent, the missing will not be and will never be

I can understand all too well HighHat - I made a series of decisions too which I regret terribly

each day a battle to live with them mixed into the loss

Karolina

I'm glad you are here, and able to share with us. I hope there is some small relief in doing so for you.

I know some wounds scar and those scars remain tho perhaps less painful.

I think of you daily and send you warm vibes

I think that is great about discussing with the Coroner... my guess is you will find some relief in that, from what i know of the circumstances so far.

((( Karolina )))

~ waves ~

Getting answers is very important to grief.

This situation for you really needs some answers. Often in medical disasters, there are several, or many circumstances that come together, to lead to
a death or injury. When this happens, the "blame" is really complex, and hard to pin point. (sometimes there is no "blame" that can be appointed).

I think you will find with time, that you recall all the positive and constructive things you provided for Juan. Those should not be forgotten, during the acute phase of this grief.

When I was young, my family situation was a mess. I won't go into it now, but to say, that I could not help my mother. But I make up for it now, by extending myself to others, that I have learned how to help. So sometimes the timing is not quite right, but that is not to say, you cannot become a support for someone else when they need it in the future.

I see you using your strengths well, so far.

Love you dear. I am sorry the coroner hasn't been able to come to a conclusion yet. I am glad he is being thurough and searching for the answer.

But yes, sometimes, the answer is not going to come. I hope for one, though.

Guilt and fear a major players in grief. The trick is going to be finding their place on your road to healing. One thing at a time. Let yourself feel these powerful emotions and give them a home in your heart and in your head, then move to the next emotion/hurdle. This process is going to be consuming, long and painful.

But there will also be days where your love for Juan is more powerful. So much so, you will be able to feel him. And there is much joy and comfort in that feeling.

Stay with us. Let us hear you.

I am right here.