I am having yet another bad bipolar day. (I will probably finish this post later (i.e. edit it) because its near time to get the kids.)

Well, good and bad.

I hadn't read the bipolar handbook recently at all. I am really trying to heal myself metaphysically and through prayer. On the surface that seems like "hoping and forgetting" but it is far from it. It is a calming. Reading a book that contradicts this- that is giving claim to the idea that I am flawed- even STATING that I must believe I am sick to be healed- is in direct contradiction to C.S. Yet, when I read this book, I feel something like "Yes this is me. Yes there is a reason all these things are connected. Yes oh my god I am NOT insane or alone in doing things like wondering if my sig. other is seeing someone else, having issues with keeping or wanting to keep jobs...." There are lots of details, I could put it.

I read .... weeks inbetween, when I feel "fine" I do not. But then days like yesterday happen. When in the morning I felt on top of the world, thinking of how I would get a job, and that having my own house- yae even BUYING one!- is completely possible and within grasp and SOON!- and that all is right with my person, to later in the day thinking I would surprise Christopher by going into the movie he was at with his daughter- something *I* would enjoy, not realizing not everybody would. This only served to make for an uncomfortable evening, a VERY stressful sleep for me, and a conversation with my ex. about "What if it had been his ex-wife or another woman, instead of his daughter?" Things that I tend to put out of my mind as "needless worry outside of trying to keep lucid based on what I know as fact", only to have Christopher write an email response last night saying all was well with the event and no worries, but "What if it had been...?" That was the first real reality that told me "Hey- its not in my mind. HE thinks it could've been someone else too?" All the while, I go between meditating through C.S., trying to find a job (I put in an application last night cuz I didn't get the one last week), and when I DO that I feel like "Yes I am normal and can do this..."- and then today I feel "Maybe I need to get this bipolar under control before I go arranging jobs... but my life will not change if I do not change it..." Wondering if these things are not just manifestations of bipolar.

All my life I have done things like this- things which I thought were perfectly okay socially and then turned out to be huge misjudgements- like surprising someone at the movies. I have had people just stop talking to me because they cannot deal with me this way. I am not ALWAYS this way- but it IS there, and it is often times a helpless feeling. A detached feeling. I will take on my life/the world.... and then, reality sets in. I have not run away lately or spent lots of money, but when life's rules seem to change on me it throws me for a loop. I am spending time doing "dialectical behavioral therapy" -or my version thereof. I will see myself getting into a non-sensical way of thinking and then step around it. Then times like last night happen and BAM! I am back to being completely confused and emotionally ... well whatever it is, it is not what I would guess is 34 1/2. This is when I find comfort in reading "The bipolar handbook" because it tells me "Yes you are NOT crazy. You are ill with bipolar." This in itself is helpful. The next step is to somehow cure myself of this metaphysically but that will take a while. Short stop-gap measures are singing in the car alone- something that lets go of a lot of emotion "positively". Some days, I cannot deal with myself like this and wonder how I expect others to. The silent hugs or hand-holding I get from Christopher do more than warm my hands- they calm my heart.

I don't hold out a lot of hope for my counselling sessions coming up, but at the same time I DO because maybe they will point me in the right direction. Very little has ever come out of psychotherapy for me- save for ONE social worker about a year and a half ago.

YOu are being awfully hard on your self.
Please try to not judge yourself.
YOu sound like a wonderful woman and it sounds like you are gaining some insight to the areas that aer of concern.
This is a huge accomplishment!!!!
recognising the areas then consciously making efforts to break the cycles.
This takes a long time to figure this out.
Keep at it...keep talking, the people in your life who love you understand....
keep on keeping on....
fall down 7 times get up 8.
bizi

I am mainly concerned with how this catches me off-guard- how my percpetions of the world get completely "wonky" and I don't catch it. I really do feel as my mind is not my own at these times. And yes I tend to be too hard on myself, but what I feel when I write these things is "I feel crazy how can I learn to stop it before it happens?" I think this is futile maybe- fixing things before they happen. Ugh.

When i say "I cannot deal with myself this way", I mean that it is literally difficult to be ME- or even IN my body- when I am feeling this way. It is physically exhausting and mentally wonky. I don't mean I don't LIKE myself. I like myself just fine. I just don't have a grasp on reality when these happen.

I talked with a friend of mine. One thing I discovered is that I fear losing those whom I love- maybe even worse, those who love me. Even when they show that they will not leave.

May I ask what mood stabilizer you are on?
and other meds...PM me if you don't want to answer here.
Do your meds seem to help? You sound like those are kind of hypo manic episodes or perhaps you are haivng a hard time with social cues?
Which may have nothing to do with being bipolar...
just a thought...I don't know...
bizi
I do know that I have a very hard time making friends...I joined a gym here about 2 months ago.
Am trying to make friends with some of the ladies in cardio class. I am so eager to make friends that I am afraid that I am scaring them off.
so I am trying to show restaint....
anyway...I think this is more of a personality issue with me...not really a bipolar thingy for me.....
bizi
Edited to add that I have had to say I am sorry many times in my life....for unacceptable behavior......my real friends and family forgive me.

hi. I am on Depakote and Celexa. They have seemed to help, yes. Social cues are not usually an issue for me- I just get confused sometimes. I make friends very easily- lots of people like me. I blend in at judo and I am a very likeable person.

Christopher just stopped by. We talked in the car for an hour. He had dropped off his daughter at practice and had to go get milk. So that was nice of him. I didn't ask him to. We had a chat. I got off my chest- even if a round-about way- what I needed to. So I hope he understands now. Lately it boils down to "Will you love me even when I feel crazy? Even when I do bad things? Will you stick around? I feel so wonderful around you- I fear you don't feel the same." We talked about stuff in general. I told him again "I am through having sex with other people. That is over." As in "I am exclusive". Well, anyway, it made ME feel better. Tired of talking about it now.

I am glad that you guys talked and that you feel better!
Keep talking!
bizi

I have been working with fear lately. I fear failure at jobs. I fear the reactions. Sometimes they are horrid! I fear that if I said what is REALLY on my mind to him, I'd get back "I know..." a sad look and then "I just don't see that between us". Or of being seen as pushy. Am I obsessive, or do I have a right to say "this is upsetting to me that you are not rightly called my boyfriend - that you are the only one who does not call yourself this- as we have been seeing each other for a year now and at least 6 months as dating several times a week, taking our children out together to do stuff, etc.?" See- I only hinted around the fact that I see us as exclusive and he has made comments about me having sex with others. I can't tell if he's joking or not. he said I seemed to overreact to him saying I should trade sex for rent with a friend of my sister... all I could manage out was "I don't like to talk about having sex with other people". *sigh*

If I do not say what is on my mind, it will keep coming back to get me as it has. This "taking it slowly" is all fine with me, but I don't know what is joking about "others' and what is not. I don't feel like emotionally I want to see others- and definitely not sexually.

Thanks for letting me vent. Kinda OT. But I'm so balled up with what is what lately since discovering being bioplar and what it means.

Saw my primary dr. today. She wanted to try upping the Depakote, changing the times I take the Depakote and Celexa (i.e. swapping them so Depakote is at night), and adding Trazadone at night for my recent sleeplessness. I said I know that is from anxiety and my mind racing. Other idea is to get a job so my mind isn't always thinking thinking thinking! Just like Wanda Sykes said in a stand-up routine, "Women. We AL-waaaays THINKin'!" lol The med changes are a bit unnerving to me, honestly. up, down, add, subtract.... I would welcome something to help me sleep, of course, when my mind gets to racing, but I would rather have it not race in the first place.

Oh yeah- and I did exchange a few emails with Christopher last night and this morning. Communication is happening. No magic "fixing"- but communication.

These 2 things stuck out to me.
YOu have the right to have expectations in this relationship. YOu may ask for the truth and for him to be honest with you.

You have the right to be respected.....
Sex is not something to joke with you about...it sounds hurtful and ask for him to drop it....you do get to ask for the perameters of the relationship.
YOu are a person first and happen to have bipolar....remember this...don't let it define you.

We did exchange some emails after I posted that. And I realize I am a person first, but this whole bipolar is kind of GOOD because it answers so many why's and hows of seemingly unrelated parts of me that I felt were very upsetting and couldn't even describe them (the horror movie thing for one). Not only that but I am an adult child of an alcoholic and THAT I know I do not define myself from but still I have not done any "work" toward it because to read what its about its like" yeah that's all me" but support groups for it absolutely SUCK and all I keep thinking is "man you're messed up- but I'm not". I refuse to be. But with bipolar, I don't feel "messed up" as I do just relieved that all these symptoms are ONE thing! That its my brain that is doing funny things, not ME! That the parts of me that are in it are still parts of me NOT this disease.

Gosh I'm getting tired now. I took the trazadone about an hour ago and its finally kicking in I think. They said to take it a couple hours before bedtime.

But before I go, the reason I wrote him that email after I posted here is because I could not deal with the emotions anymore in me where he'd hinted at me having other partners when I thought we were exclusive. So I set him straight on that.

Ok.... getting really zonked. Thanks for your responses!! I went to church choir practice tonight, btw. and hadn't been there at all since beginning of September and after rehearsal told the director about being bipolar and she was so understanding!! I didn't think she would be. We had a nice little chat and come to find out one of the other choir members from a few years ago was too- I had wondered about it, but just remember that he ran off and no one knew where to find him - we are in Michigan and he was last heard of in Seattle!!