[Pamster]

My counselor referred me to this mental health clinic in town and I am going for a 'intake appt' that will be three hours long. It's not in patient or anything, just going to see if I can get some counselling and psychotherapy to help me through this next few months and beyond. I hope they accept me as a new patient and that I can continue to see my regular T. If not then I will have to see her one last time and thank her for all her help and get my life in order.

It's been another rough day today and I am looking forward to getting the dishes done and being able to sleep soundly for a full 8 hours. I hope that things work out better soon, I am going to call the worker about the kiddo's trike and see about hiring an aide. I hope that we can get a strong man, and that we can set it up in time so I can get out before October. I have done some figuring and it sounds like a two year period before I can fully get on my feet.

Laptop and cell phone first, then school and finally the car. It makes me really happy to think that I can look forward to something, I am not dead yet by any means and though it might sound selfish to Jack, in the long run it's for the best for Jackie, for me and for him. It's not a good situation sadly, and autism DOES break up families all the time, I couldn't handle him on my own and don't see how Jack will either. But maybe, MAYBE with the aide he can last two weeks before he's ready to throw in the towel and sees that I am NOT going to come back.

This time it's not a drill, Jackie scared me badly Monday last week and I just can't trust him. Today Jack left me in here alone with him again, he was in his room playing his game when the AC guy was here fixing our air and he told me to keep the kid off the guy, which thankfully HE ACTUALLY LISTENED to me and STAYED OFF the man...But at first he was getting ideas of being naughty. Tonight in the shower, (we're supposed to take turns bathing Jackie but that too is apparently out the window again...as I have done it for a week now...) he actually SPIT in my hair. I wanted to cry, but I just acted like I didn't notice. I didn't want to have a confrontation with him on wet porcelin.

*sigh* I really hope they are willing to take me on as a new patient, I need this help badly. This same place passed on taking Jackie as a new patient. But BP II is another thing, vastly different from autism which many places aren't equipped to deal with. I think Jack is suspecting that I am done with this, today I told him I wanted to watch how he reformatted the dell and he got a little disappointment on his face and said he heard me, meaning that I would make good on the comment I made a week or two ago about taking the computer with me if I left. That I HAVE a computer...the dell, but truth be told, I don't really want it. I want a laptop now.

Please don't be upset with me for being so needy, I really DO need to hear that I am not being selfish here and that going on with my life IS the right thing to do at this point in time because of the situation I've been stuck in. I wish I could think of other things but it's so definitely over that getting out is about all I can think about. Your support is all I have besides Mother and her husband's support, I have to put up with such garbage from Jack, like today he asked me if I could fail any harder today over not having the screw driver we rely on to open the doors to the house here when Jackie locks the interior doors.

He'd taken it from me earlier and put it away and I kinda went off about it, saying YOU took it and did something with it, I don't have it you jerk! ANd then I found it and brought it over. This was because Jackie hit me with a plastic bowl, this is after being told to pick it up, so he picked it up and hit my arm with it with a snotty attitude. The poor kid is in for a helluva awakening when Mommy won't be around to abuse anymore, I can only hope it shakes him up enough to END this acting out behavior because I honestly don't know what else to do.

I wish I could last until next June when because we signed a new lease last month, but there's not helping that, leases can be broken and this one will have to be broken, we just can't handle it anymore. It really makes me sad, but on the other hand I am eager to get on with making a new life for myself where I am alone and self-sufficient, able to pay my bills on my own and OFF disability making good money. Writing in my spare time and maybe getting a cat, MAYBE not too because Mr. T is plenty of company, a small dog might be nice though. ALthough it would get plenty lonely so it might not be fair to get one. Like I said. T is plenty of company. Him and his fish buddies are a lot of fun to watch.

Thank you all for caring, I know I am demanding a lot of attention right now, in the coming months I won't be active until I get the laptop, but I will be back, promise. It might take four months to save up for the laptop or else Mom can buy it on credit and I can pay it all off. Either way I will be back.

[Mari]

Pam,
Financial aid for college will give you enough money to buy a computer and pay for classes. The FRAG in florida gives a student about 2,500 per year. This is enough to pay for tuition, books, and a computer.

(I'm going by old numbers. The stupid folks at the state capital might have cut the budget a little but I don't think so.)

Keep your eye on Free cycle. Here's a sample of computers being rebuilt in New Mexico. http://greenlincoln.org/?q=ReComputer
Yeah. I know that random links are not helpful.
I'm saying that you can search, make phone calls, and ask.
So here is my list to think about
1. computer and other companies, 2. non-profits, 3. us, state, and local govs.

Mari

[Mari]

Dear Pam,
A three hour appointment sounds exhausting in way but I imagine that it would also be fun for a change to be able to spend the time focusing on yourself and your own needs.
I wonder if part of that three hours will be used for tests like computer or written personality / aptitude/ or whatever other tests they do now a days.

What are you considering moving here from your old tdoc?
I can't remember. Sorry.

Yes, leaving will be sad. But you are not going far and you are not leaving with your heart. You will still be Jackie's mother and be able to see him and check on him.
You have done a good job as a mother. Feel good about that.
And you are doing a good job as a mother by helping him move on to the next stage of his life too. He needs something different from what you can do for him now.

For now, you need to insist that Jack not leave you alone with him. That worries me. He'll listen to you. He is not a child. Not really.

Keep posting.
Mari

[Pamster]

Thanks for the link Mari! I am not sure why it has to be a three hour long appt, but it is, when we did an intake on Jackie it was not three hours, it was more like an hour and a half since he HAD to be with me...Ugh what a nightmare that was and for nothing...What a shame. I hope today's appt yields better results. This morning I will be alone with the kiddo for about half an hour, I am praying he doesn't get up during the time Jack will be gone for his dr appt. That is why I am up so early. I had to set the alarm and get Jack up...so I get to go on about five hour's of sleep today because the only alarm is in my room. *sigh*

IF he does wake up before Jack leaves it WILL be a disaster, I just know it. If he wakes up after Jack leaves it won't be so bad hopefully, we shut Jack's door and Jackie will think he's there sleeping still and I will reinforce that misleading idea until Jack gets home. Don't have much choice because he's too unpredictable to just be outright honest with him and say Dad had a Dr appt.

I had no choice about this as Jack made his appt for 7ish AM and the bus isn't here until about 8:30. Jackie doesn't usually wake up until after 7 and Jack will leave here in about 45 minutes...I really hate it, but am glad he's seeing a dr. He needed to to get back on track and I am proud of him for doing it for himself. Disappointed he made the appt for 7ish AGAIN...but glad he's going.

Thank you for everything you said in your second post, that really made me feel so much better, I have been a good mother, despite whatever Jack wants to think and say, I devoted the past twelve years of my life to my son and if he didn't have such a horribly unpredicatable disability making his behavior so hard to manage I would continue on. But he does and I have accepted that this is what has to happen.

I hope that getting therapy on a more consistant basis will help me to get more work on myself accomplished, that is why I am thinking of getting more help from these people then staying with my current T who can only see me basically for Med management for about 35 minutes an appt every two months....We used to have more time years ago when I saw her and SHE is the T who got me to finally accept a DX of BP II by showing me through medication how it's supposed to be mentally. I will never forget how slowly the racing thoughts began to lift and I began to feel more able to think clearly.

I owe her much. But I feel I need more therapy then she's able to really provide right now, it was fine for a year, being in her care again for med mang. but with all this stuff happening I feel I just need to get going on working on myself and my attitude, I tend to let people walk all over me and NOT be assertive enough to stand up for myself, this is evident I am sure in what I've posted about Jack and things he's done and said to me and about me and how I don't really stand up to him about it. He shoots me down if ever I try so I kinda gave up and just try not to listen.

Oh my, he just walked in and i had to switch windows, and he asked, "what are you hiding, I noticed you've been hiding stuff..." LOL! I have to laugh because it's true and I have been jumpier then usual, I figure that this will keep happening for awhile, and I pray things just go well today...Thanks for caring Mari! You're awesome.

ETA: Jackie didn't get up until Jack had left so all's well so far.

[houghchrst]

Morning Pam, sorry about leaving you so abruptly last night. I hated to but my son was having one of his Bipolar breakdowns on the phone and then triggered a depressive episode for me so it was all a big mess.

I hope your appt. goes well this morning. You don't have to take Jackie with you do you?

I will have to give you my phone number so we can stay in touch before you can get a computer. Mari is right, Freecycle is awesome, I go to the site a couple times a day, in fact I have some stuff that is supposed to be picked up today and tomorrow. I don't throw anything away anymore, if it can still be used it goes in a box and when I get enough in the box I give it away. We have gotten a lot of stuff from there too, got our Pomeranian and our ferret! There are other similar sites that sell for real cheap too. The colleges are usually paying for laptops these days, my SIL got one, course she finished one semester then dropped out but she still has the laptop. They even paid for her internet access. If I were you I would see about sticking with the disability and getting grants for school. That way you won't have to take out student loans. Those are a pain in the butt and take forever to pay off. Though you will have to see which ever way works best for you financially.

I am so proud of you for taking this step. I know how hard this has been and how long it has taken for you to come to this point. You have been fighting with this inside for a long time. I hope everything works out for you.


Here are two links in case you need anything once you move

http://www.freecycle.org/

http://www.reuseitnetwork.org/us.htm

Write them down, you can access them from you local library unless you manage to get a puter quickly.

[Pamster]

My appt went well, I scored HIGH on the anxiety test and the depression test, big surprise eh? But it was nice to talk to someone and feel face to face with someone who definitely understands. I will have to see about the college if they will cover a laptop or not. That's a great idea! I didn't even think that they might include one in the cost of the computer class. Thanks so much for taking time last night to chat with me, I really appreciated it, definitely get your phone number to me and I will call, once I get moved out and have a cell phone I will be able to call and not get charged long distance. Just use up minutes...

Definitely did not have to take Jackie with me, he is at summer school. Talking with the lady today made me feel better too, stronger, just looking at my life and seeing how I have let msyelf down by not making this change sooner really encourages me to stick to my guns...

Thanks so much Christina for everything, you're a great friend.

[Mari]

Dear Pam,
I pay att (old bellsouth) a monthly rate for unlimited long distance minutes on my land line.
I thought I paid about 27 dollars but when I look at my bill I get a little confused -- so I am not exactly sure of the amount.
My computer dsl is on the phone bill and so is other crap so I can't make sense of the bill now.
My sister and I call each other long distance nearly every day on our land lines so it works out.
Now I have a cell phone too -- hubby and I mostly use it to call each other if one of us is out.

Mari

[Mari]

Dear Pam,
I am so glad that you had a good experience.
I'll write more later.

M.

[Pamster]

Right now I have brighthouse digital phone so I do have unlimited long distance, but my mother's landline is another story, now I am looking into getting this:

http://www.magicjack.com/4/index.asp

It lets you make unlimited calls through your computer's broadband internet connection for like $20 a year. I am looking into tracfone too, thinking that they will be the best deal on a phone and service.

Thanks Mari! You're awesome, I really appreciate you writing a bit today, I know daytime is hard fighting fatigue for you, I remember what that was like when I didn't sleep well and wasn't using my CPAP....Thanks again for your wonderful support!

[DiMarie]

Hi Pam,
Glad you got throught he appointment. I think we forget that when taking care of a high needs/demads child we need to be cared for too and care for ourself. I was able to get a lot of support for a lap top, dragon software, a rollling case and financial aid being on SSDDI with the local office of vocational rehab.

We are family here, never could get through a lot of days without reading and knowing there are so many here that truely care.

di