[tritone]

A couple reassuring things happened this week and I am really happy about them. I also kind of feel like the PDoc and I are finally having more of a rapport, although it has taken five years to get to!

So I was there this evening and I was telling him about some certain things. He said that hospitalization was obviously very traumatic for me. I was talking to him about this constant need I have for reassurance from people... and that I knew that was a symptom of borderline personality disorder... So then he said, "Oh, have you downgraded yourself from Sociopathic to Borderline...?" it was very funny the way he said it... Then he said "I don't think you are either..." I said something about a label and he said it didn't stick.

So I was talking about all this stuff, the reassurance and insomnia and some other stuff I do that gets me into trouble in relationships... He said it was all about anxiety... And then he started putting it into an obsessive compulsive reference. It might sound weird to say that was "reassuring", but it was.

Then yesterday I talked about my hospital experience for the very first time in my men's group... I had avoided it for months. Too personal, too painful... and I also didn't want anyone hearing about it and then getting any ideas of using that label against me.

The woman who is in charge of the group is really fantastic. She was there and two other clinicians were sitting in. I told my story and you could have heard a pin drop. They were really horrified...

After the group, the woman asked me how I was coping with that - and that there must be some kind of action I could take... I guess in terms of reporting his conduct. I said no, I hadn't thought of doing anything like that. She told me that I was not what he said, and that the people close to me know that and I should just keep telling myself that...

So I felt pretty encouraged over the past few days...

[Mari]

Wow,
You got some validation from the group and the clinicians present. That was wonderful. Also it is affirming to know that good people and professional people exist in the world.

I think it wonderful that you trusted your support group and that they came through for you.


Maybe it is better that we don't diagnosis ourselves. It is a good thing that you brought up your thoughts about borderline -- so that your pdoc could disabuse you of that idea.


I can understand about anxiety. I'm not sure it if manifests the way as yours in terms of reassurance -- but it is certainly close to debilitating sometimes. I'm been home all day worrying about stuff I have no control over -- even if those things are directly effecting me.

Is he saying you might have some ocd-like traits? That is a much lighter dx than anything else so far. And someone can re-train them selves for that -- or at least do "work arounds."

This is good news.
I am glad I read this before signing off for tonight.

You have come a long way and you kept trusting in the pdoc and the trust seems to be paying off. He sounds like one of the good guys, but you get credit for working with him and staying close to him and keeping open communication.

Thank you, Tritone.
You made my night.

Your post lifted a layer of two of my anxiety.

Mari

[tritone]

Thanks Mari,

Glad you feel better, that's probably the nicest thing someone could say to me right now.

I only see him for 30min every other week - so it can be tough to cover everything. I just can't swing any more than that right now.

He started to talk about OCD - or at least ODC-like symptoms. I'll let you know if he goes anywhere with that. I find myself being much more candid and much more in touch with myself. I don't know exactly how/when/why that began happening - but I find myself investigating things and talking about things that I hadn't previously.

One of the things I told him about was that I seem to have this constant need for distraction. Could be the computer, TV, work - anything other than sitting quietly with myself. I just can't seem to do it. It is tremendously difficult for me. I used to be able to do it - meditate... years ago... Now my head "roars with background noise" and I have a very hard time being still... This is the anxiety I believe... and just doubting nearly everything - most of all myself.

I also think maybe some of these things are coming out now because I'm off the benzos... I'd take the day's worth before bed just to settle down... I still have the Seroquel but I'm trying to wean off it... Things are definitely sharper since cutting the benzos through...

I see all of this as immensely positive though - things aren't so bad and maybe getting better

Originally Posted by Mari

Wow,
You got some validation from the group and the clinicians present. That was wonderful. Also it is affirming to know that good people and professional people exist in the world.

I think it wonderful that you trusted your support group and that they came through for you.


Maybe it is better that we don't diagnosis ourselves. It is a good thing that you brought up your thoughts about borderline -- so that your pdoc could disabuse you of that idea.


I can understand about anxiety. I'm not sure it if manifests the way as yours in terms of reassurance -- but it is certainly close to debilitating sometimes. I'm been home all day worrying about stuff I have no control over -- even if those things are directly effecting me.

Is he saying you might have some ocd-like traits? That is a much lighter dx than anything else so far. And someone can re-train them selves for that -- or at least do "work arounds."

This is good news.
I am glad I read this before signing off for tonight.

You have come a long way and you kept trusting in the pdoc and the trust seems to be paying off. He sounds like one of the good guys, but you get credit for working with him and staying close to him and keeping open communication.

Thank you, Tritone.
You made my night.

Your post lifted a layer of two of my anxiety.

Mari

[Mari]

Tritone,

Yes, perhaps the ocd thing is more likely anxiety.
And perhaps the med changes you mention are related to it showing up.

Tonight the anxiety is running all over me.
I don't know how to settle myself enough to even take my night meds -- does not make logical-sense I know but it makes anxiety-sense.

Your post makes me think that I need to find a tdoc. Did you have other tdocs before you found this one?
I'm happy that yours is helping.

Mari

[waves]

I don't have a whole lot of minutes right now... gotta run and catch a bus with haphazard schedules... so... emmm.

i just wanted to say how happy i am for you. i only read your first post not the other (yet) but i am so glad you are getting proper encouragement and reinforcement ...

well done on the work you've done to establish finally this comfortable a rapport with your pdoc... something similar happened to me, it was like an epiphany of sorts where i was able to "really get into it" after many ups and downs and confrontations direct and indirect.

i am so glad for the reinforcing experience in group... and i add my voice to what they said about your hospitalization... i had read about it in another thread but i don't think i replied to that one.

anyway... way to go! keep up the spirits and the good work!

~ waves ~