ps I am an adult child of an alcoholic too and I know a lot of us carry the shame of our parent(s) and have trouble with self esteem...also carrying the burden of bipolar creates self esteem issues too as we are all aware of...
Please finally take care of yourself sweetie pie...we all love you and you are definitely worth our love
Bobby

Nikko,
It sure doesn't seem fair when we have to become the parent to our parent does it? You are handling so much and I wish I had something to offer.
All I can say is that this is a wonderful site, for venting, support and advice from those who are in a similar situation.
Make sure you take time to take care of you. You are important and you need to stay healthy. Don't look at it as being selfish if you take some time for you, it is vital!!!!!!!!!!!!
Take good care,
Judy

My mother began drinking to access in her early 30's or earlier and really screwed with her children's heads.Especially my brother and 1. Spent 40 odd years telling us she drank because of what we her children and ex huband put her through. This February went into hospital and it was explained it was due to the drinking.Got out after 6 months because they said she was as physically ok as they could get her.2 weeks later she'd taken to her bed again and has no intention of getting out of it. My brother is staying there because even carers 4x a day are not enough for her. She nag the **** out of him.
Last couple of days she's latched onto the fact that it doesn't say 'cirrhosis' in her care notes but something begining with A and that several of the carers have said the occasiobal drink or two wouldn't do any harm.
Even now there's no guilt for the fact she's got two emotionally well and f***eed in the head sons thanks to all the psychological/verbal and very occasionally physical abuse.
Both of us have sod self esteem and coping mechanisms that are shot to pieces.
Of course the psychiatric profession being dumb****s combined with the fact she was good at disguising it from people outside the family never knew how much it had all screwed things up till i pointed it out to them in big black letters after years of hoping the penny woyuld drop in their low IQ heads.
You go through years of nobody noticing just how much it has screwed you up and being told you are awkward and demanding and troublesome and how if you want to you can 'change the error of your ways' like you are a criminal or people jumping down your throat on forums because you are crap at dealing with situations but nobody stops to think how much pain you are in how worthless you feel,how so much of the anger etc is self bravado to hide the confusion and fear or how very hard you have tried to sort yourself out because quite frankly the care and the compassion and help has been virtually non existent.
YES i'm the son of an alcoholic.All hope of much better things
ended years ago. They now understand better and care a little better but it's all too late.It's all about containment rather than progression.
I

Thanks for all the warm responses. Yesterday, she stayed in bed, she said she didn't remember a lot.
So, I got ready went and got my hair trimmed, then off to my domestic violence appt.

I came home, threw another load of her blankets/comforter in the washer and dryer, fed my dogs, gave my mom her night meds, and retreated to my bedroom, I thought awhile, then said I will sleep for a bit. I ended up sleeping till morning, with many little wake-up's of my own.

I will have a good talk with her, because I cannot go through this again. I know from experience it's like talking to the wall, even when they are sober. Oh, and yes she would know right off the bat if I watered down her drinks or the bottle. If I don't buy it, she makes a huge ordeal and I cannot take the mean things she says.

Yes, I have more shoes, LOL and I can afford to live on my own.

I can get Social Services involved, anything I do, my mom will freak. What she is doing is killing herself slowly, I believe a lot is depression, but I could be wrong. I do have Medical Power of Attorney, I am an only child, so there isn't anyone else.

She doesn't understand what I have gone through or going through now. I am sick of hearing over and over things about my husband, he never loved you, he is this and that. I really don't need to hear these things. I was stupid for marrying him, etc....................I am just getting my self esteem back on track.

After all the problems she had, the stroke, seizures, heart attack, almost a year of being in and out of the hospital on her death bed, then the surgery, she should be thankful to be alive, and want to do things. She is 73, yes she is in pain due to arthritis and I understand that, but PT worked wonders for her during and after her hospital ordeal.

I am going to try and talk to her today. I have to see if she did drink yesterday, I will be able to tell by the bottle and what glass's are in her room.
Sad but true.

I have to say - yesterday I felt a lot of bad feelings - they passed, about myself, like the big S.

I am totally overwhelmed, and depression is setting in. I feel so alone in this, but somehow I have to have faith that it will work out. If she doesn't kill herself slowly, I will be the one having a massive heart attack at this rate.

Yes, I am a child of both parents being alcoholics, it's not fun. The strange thing is when she drinks she gets mean, and then just wants to sleep, so why bother drinking??? Then she says afterwards, she feels guilty for drinking. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Well it's another day, what it will bring I don't know. It's only 8:30 am here, and she isn't up yet.

Have a great day, and thanks again everyone. I love you all.

Hugs, Nikko

((((((Nikko)))))),

Honey, I know how overwhelmed you feel. It's beyond hard to be the sole caretaker of an elderly, ill parent. I had two half-brothers left when my mom was sick and dying. One was watching his Father die at the same -- he was incapable of doing any more. The other is just plain useless (I've given up on him; he's old enough to know better).

Please don't think the big S is an option. There are other options that will bring you much more peace.

I know the guilt trips that parents put you on From the time I was 12, my Mom always said "no nursing home" and "no colostomy" and "no leg amputation". I don't know what kind of experiences she was basing this on.

Sure enough -- when she got old: nursing home and colostomy. I was able to stave off the nursing home 'cause she didn't live long enough. She did have the colostomy (what a horror show -- medical malpractice).

All that you can do is the best that you can do. I always figure that someone that's probably not going to be around that much longer deserves the good treatment NOW rather than the regrets LATER. But, you can't drive yourself to absolute exhaustion. Make sure that you take care of yourself too, *N*. To quote a often-used Dr. Phil remark: "Don't drive yourself into a ditch"

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb