I asked the dr if i needed to take anything for the anemia besides the shots and she said no. right now everything still seems too much for me. i am feeling so lonely but not reaching out to anyone except one person. I am irritatible a lot. I haven't been watching that much economic news in the past week. It is so painful. I have been watching dumb tv movies and feel guilty for not being productive. I feel so guilty for not being productive.

Boy do i ever know how that feels. I'm so sorry. I wonder if you can somehow convince yourself that you're allowed not to be productive because you are feeling so poorly right now. You know when we are kids and sick, mom keeps us home and sends a note the next day or calls the school or whatever. And same with work, there is sick time. Just because you don't have those formalities, and because it's been a long and winding road, doesn't mean you don't deserve the break. You do. You just need to get through each day the best you can. And if that means watching stupid movies, or what have you, then so be it. Whatever floats your boat, literally whatever keeps from sinking!!!!

(but boy, i sure know how it feels, coz when i get like i can't do anything, i feel guilty too. i have a pin somewhere that says, "Reason will overcome instinct." hmph. i wish it would overcome feelings at times like this, too!)

now you hold on there, ok? things will get better.



~ waves ~ whose suspension expired this evening. and you are the lucky recipient of my first returning post. i still may not post much... i'm still kinda messy-mooded. but i thought i would pop in here just the same to let you know i understand. fwiw.

actually i used to like it when i had the energy to impulsively post...i am glad you had a short sentence....lol
thanks for the empathy....right now i am reading another junky book and not feeling guilty. I think i should be reading history books...maybe about famous people...using the library is too stressful.
the eye doctor was wonderful. i just have a developing cataract which is years away from needing treatment. He was sympathetic to my being bipolar and fears and said they will probably come out with better medication soon.
He had a baby grand in his waiting room. First time I saw that in a doctor's waiting room. He also had modern music playing. It might have been Scriabin.
Again I was too nervous to ask him about both.
I called my friend who I hadn't talked to in about four months to thank her for the referral. She got tired of my depression and told me my doctor wasn't helping me. Anyways, i finally called her and the operator's message said the phone was disconnected. she is in her late eighties and is sharp as a tack. I hope it meant that she moved. She had told me I would be notified whenshe died.
Bobby

That is great that you found such a cool eye doctor. Good to know the exam went well and he was so patient. Means the world, when we are unwell, doesn't it. Interesting office too. Maybe next time you will be less nervous and can ask him about the piano and music.

i sure hope your friend is ok and just moved. it was good of you to try and call her. if you have her address perhaps you can send a thank you note. if it can't be delivered, it will come back with a reason stamped on it by the post office. but that requires gathering stuff, composing, and mailing stuff. i dunno if you're up to that.

I can see how it can be good to post on impulse - if we are ok with what we would be posting. part of me wasn't a lot of the time. then i'd obsess on my own ambivalence like a dog chasing its tail! so knowing i couldn't post was useful - i could have asked to come back sooner but that would have defeated the purpose. i actually considered asking for another week's "hiatus" lol, but i'm too weak to be impuslive, and a lot of the negativity has somehow resolved. this class 3 hurricane is now down to tropical storm, lol.

as for the energy... sigh... i'm tired all the time now from the higher dose of Depakote even though i did quit the Zyprexa for now, since the pounds were coming on fast. and i'm still eating compulsively. doc says i'm ok to do that, but if i have even a single day that is exceptionally bad, to take it just for that night... to help prevent me from worsening again. using it not every day does not cause the metabolic changes. but i'm gonna keep off it for a week now, coz i'm still way hungry as well as compulsive with food. (The only atypicals available here are Seroquel and Zyprexa. In a pinch, i can take either one, but Zyprexa works much much much much better and verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry fasssst.)

Your post sounds a little more upbeat... i hope that means you have been feeling better... at times at least. i know it can come and go at first but hey, even a little is better than nothing coming! even if it is not constant yet. it'll get there. meanwhile keep right one dong what you need to do to stay afloat, and being ok about it.

~ waves ~