[Mari]

Waves,
How are you?
It was good to see you on a thread or two -- even if you did just pop in for a minute.
Mari

[waves]

hi there Mari,

have missed you. i am.. .ok, sorta. besides some concrete things i cannot share, i still feel like a fraud and a failure. at age 30, i said to myself, go to med school now? and become a doctor at age 40? well now, at age 40, i'm thinking, go to med school now? and become a doctor at age 50?

hmmmm... there's something wrong with this picture. i'm not even sure if that's what i want or who i am. i think when you're 40 and you have thoughts like this where your old job doesn't fit and you don't know who you are let alone what to do or how.... i think in the "old days" they used to call this an "identity crisis".

that would make me, identity crying? ok. that works.

how are you keeping? and how are you sleeping?

i read that you and the students are all bored. i don't know if saying... well it's almost Christmas is any consolation lol, the holidays being so icky for many of us.

how is your therapy going? still doing accupuncture?

there is a pdoc/accupuncturist in my area i keep meaning to call to see if she sees ppl other than her assigned state patients. been meaning to for a year. maybe next year i'll get around to it and let you know if anything interesting comes of it, bipolar wise, as that's what i would ask for.

~ waves ~

[bizi]

HI there waves!
thanks for the compliment about my art work....
you should post one of yours here!!!
Did you guys know that waves is an artist?
a very good one too!
I hope your weekend went alright...
(((HUGS))))
bizi

[Nikko]

Hi Waves,

Good to see you here!!!!


Nikko

[befuddled2]

Hi Waves,

I am 52 and getting ready to go back to college in January for a totally new thing. I think with age we have more wisdom which can give us more insight into things. I'm having doubts about going to a real college and not just Goodwill training program also. Hang in there.

befuddled2

[Mari]

Dear Waves,

Are you mostly ok mood-wise and such?
I hope so.

I wish I had the energy and the means to persue something I love beyond my work. I've seen this a advice for people who don't like their work or don't get much gratification for it -- keep the job, but invest time on weekends and holidays on contributing to what you love. On my weekends I am sleeping and catching up. . . so not ideal for me anyway.

Well, you remember what Ann Launders (Dear Abby?) used to say about going to school later/late-ish in life: you are going to be 50 anyway. Or something like that.

I think I saw that some in the US are predicting a shortage of MDs in the future. There is talk of opening up admissions in medical schools so that we will have the people we need to care for us.

http://www.asahp.org/news.htm

Critical Prognosis For The Health Care Workforce

An article by Daniel Rahn and Steven Wartman in the November 2 printed edition of The Chronicle of Higher Education indicates that the United States faces a looming shortage of many types of health-care professionals, including nurses, physicians, dentists, pharmacists, allied-health workers, and public-health workers.

The results will be felt acutely within the next 10 years. Colleges and health-science programs will all be affected by the demographic, technological, and bureaucratic trends driving the pending crisis, but they can also be part of the solution. The growth of the American population and the aging of the baby-boomer generation will continue to increase the demand for health-care services and providers.

The federal Bureau of Labor Statistics also projects that over the next decade, the U.S. will need 3.5 million more workers to meet the increasing demand, in addition to replacements for the two million health-care workers who will leave their positions.

also
http://www.healthleadersmedia.com/pr...315&parent=103

Anyway, I feel your distress in your struggle about who are and how you earn your living.

You are right about my students / school. Christmas is a approaching -- my second favorite time of the year after summer.

My accupunturist has been the most helpful in reducing anxiety. But it takes more than one visit usually to get benefits.

Be well.
M

[waves]

HI EVERYONE

gosh, i really did get the warm fuzzies seeing your replies

Hi Bizi and Nikko

Befuddled... wowww. i really admire you for that. i am not even working right now... don't know how i'd do anything right now... but that is great... it is a great inspiration to know i have company in this re-schooling thing!

Mari! Now that is some NEWS. thank you for posting that. Ok, so now I'm like... ok, in about how long it would take me to train, there will be a high demand for health professionals... in the US ok, i best not get excited yet.

see, it's easy for me to get excited sitting here, in bed, with the laptop. but when i decide to do anything... if i get as far as deciding... as opposed to wondering... and not investigating...

moodwise i have been stable but on the downside, except for the past few days where i went off my benzo and decided to cut the beer and crap and all at the same time ooooops. couldn't sleep one night. went haywire the morning. i had even missed/skipped my zoloft the day before (thank goodness!!!) got that in check now. back to something completely different?

i have moments of terrror where i dread my parents' passing, i just don't know howi could endure it i don't know why the fear hits me so hard, they are healthy even! I am afraid of myself too. Of never getting back up on my feet again. I am working on anger in therapy and it brings up abandonment in me, and probably a lot of crap i don't even realize is tied to it.

but... actionwise... i'm in a "stuck" place. i ask myself questions but have no answers. maybe i'm not asking the right questions.

~ waves ~

[Mari]

Originally Posted by waves

i have moments of terrror where i dread my parents' passing, i just don't know howi could endure it i don't know why the fear hits me so hard, they are healthy even! I am afraid of myself too. Of never getting back up on my feet again. I am working on anger in therapy and it brings up abandonment in me, and probably a lot of crap i don't even realize is tied to it.

Dear Waves,
This is some powerful stuff and probably important. You are improving your future by doing this work.
Maybe you are in a better place if you are able to deal with some of these things.

But keep in mind that they issues are common and not unusual with all kinds of people. We people with bp are just closer to our emotions and used to talking about them in therapy. This is my way of saying that you will be ok.



What bugs me about therapy is that I had 8 tough years with a brilliant tdoc in my twenties/thirties. Then in my early forties I returned to therapy and found the same issues. I thought that we had gotten through them once and for all years ago!
I think that the new tdoc said that we climb up and around a mountain as we get older and learn about our selves. Then we can look down and see the same darn issues but from a different perspective. Something like that. It made sense when she said it.

Originally Posted by waves

but... actionwise... i'm in a "stuck" place. i ask myself questions but have no answers. maybe i'm not asking the right questions.

Be stuck for now. You'll find your way.
When I haven't been able to get answers to my questions, I stop asking and simply affirm what I do know: This is me. This is what I do well. This is what I want in my future. This is how I see myself.
OK. Not really. But I think I do something akin to that.

Have you done the exercise when you move ahead to 85+ years old and look around the room you are in. What do you hope to see?
Some people see off spring. Some see something else that is beautiful and fundamental to their view of self and their life well lived.

I admit that this exercise doesn't work for me totally. But it can help in someways. I hope for peace and clear stone cold stabilty.
Not sure if my rambling are any help at all.
Know that I think about you.

Mari

[bizi]

Dear WAves,
Just wanted to tell you how glad I am that you are feeling like posting again.
I have missed you being here.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[waves]

Bizi. Thank you. I am touched, and I have missed you too.

It is nice to be here, even if right now i can only post haphazardly. Maybe haphazard is what i need right now.

I might be in the US in the spring. will let you know as i know more.

~ waves ~ from a weird place