[Nikko]

I got real depressed on Xmas Day, had a few drinks, took my Klonapin for my anxiety and my pain pills for my physcial pain. I didn't eat.

I called the hotline they have that they told me too. I was talking to the girl and the next thing I know the police, rescue are here, and off I am to the ER.

I wasn't trying to kill myself, I just wanted to sleep, but nobody would listen.

They gave me something to rid the pain med from my system, then gave me Adivan!!!!!! I called my friend and they came and checked on my mom.

As I was going out in the rescue I saw this girl friend that I see when I go to this place we all hang out, she has a big mouth. Great I thought. I asked her to check on my mom, and my mom told her I was depressed and BIPOLAR, UGH

I was hooked up to a heart moniter, thing on my finger for whatever, some IV's. My blood pressure was up when they came here, which is unusal for me, then it got real low which is normal for me.
Oh, I feel like such a jerk. Then they moved me into another room and a shrink came to see me. He suggested I go to this real shrink, because he feels Cope isn't good enough, and my p-doc there is a FNP, but has all degree's in the field. I have been going to her since I moved here, and I am not going to change now. She is great. They don't seem to understand I don't have the money to do that.

They wouldn't let me get dressed, so I was in my bathrobe and slippers and a nighty underneath, when they took me out of the house.

I got let go that night, with all this info. I didn't have anyone to pick me up so they called a cab (ER) and paid for it, I looked quite a sight in my PJ's in the waiting room.

Yesterday, I called my friend here to Thank them for checking on my mom. They found her on the floor sitting, that's another story, yet she said she only had one drink. I called the other girlfriend and said please can we keep this between us. She said yes, but I doubt she will.

Then COPE called me yesterday, where I go for my p-doc and case mgr, who called me, I said I was fine, she wanted to come talk to me, I was in no shape, so I said no, I am fine. So, the hospital called Cope, great I wished they hadn't.

I am not sure if they called my PCP, but I am sure she will let me know when I see her next week. They have it on the form to contact her in 2-3 days, but I have an appt. next week anyway.

I was also upset because my other girlfriend NEVER called me to come over for Xmas as I was supposed to, come to find out her mom ended up in the ER on Xmas Eve, she felt terrible, I said no problem and not to worry about it.

I think EVERYTHING just finally hit me, and I lost it. I slept most of yesterday.

My girlfriend and her husband who came to my house, when I was thanking her yesterday, she said I have to stop, that he isn't even in my life anymore and is still hurting me. She said I need an attitute adjustment, I know she meant well, but being BP isn't something you can just do - I mean an attitude adjustment when the whole thing of BP is mood problems, and that I need to take care of my Mom, so I can't do this to her. Well, I wasn't doing it to anyone, but stupid me.

Anyway, I screwed up again, and nobody seems to understand the stress I have been under since August of 2005. That's fine. I am kind of in a pissy mood. I feel like never leaving the house again. As this all was transpiring my mom said you can't take her, she takes care of me.

That's the story, now to face the music of my pdoc, not till Jan 22nd I think, and my PCP next week, they are both real undertanding.

As far as my friends, well I am not as perfect as them.

Hugs, Nikko, thanks for letting me vent.